^ more to add ^ I pushed my pointer finger and middle finger as hard as I possibly could on those veins on either side of his neck. He could barely say anything but I could hear faintly get your fuckin hands off me. I said you're lucky I'm a nice enough guy I'm going to let you go. Some years later not even a decade later dad had surgery right there in that same spot on either side of his neck. I think they called it a stent in each of his carotid artery. Then dad had a major stroke, which happened one year on xmas when we went to visit dad and I told him this might be our last xmas together because I was going to join the military. He flipped out like he couldn't handle the thought of me going in the military, this was post 9/11. Which I never did join, the military said I was too big and they only wanted shorter stocky guys. Sucks they wouldn't take me I would of killed the fuck out of everyone on the other side, I was full of rage. It wasn't even a week later after telling the old man that I was trying to join the military when dad had that first major stroke. This is when I was 18. He lingered on for years. My sister and I had to basically become the parents and take care of him, even my mother helped do his laundry and bath him, feed him, give him a place to live so he wouldn't be homeless. Instead he got to live in a shitty run down RV. It was in my early 20's when he finally died at the age of 59. I was kind of left wondering if it wasn't me who ultimately caused his death from when I choked him out. Remembering back to the time I kicked dad in the nuts, this was obviously a good defense maneuver. But I had to learn the hard way that this is the wrong maneuver to use. A friend of mine was being a punk one day and I was playing with matchbox cars or maybe it was hot wheels. I was dinging in the dirt and making tunnels to play with the cars. My friend and his mother came over and he came out to the backyard to play. He saw I was making tunnels but he jumped on the tunnels I made in the ground and smashed everything I was working on and playing with. I got up and tried to kick him in the nuts from the side, but I went too high and got him in the stomach flat with the top of my foot from the side, made a good whapp sound when I got him. He grabbed himself low and fell to the ground crying like a little bitch. Again it was me who was being a brat. I walked away and went to go back inside but his mother came out yelling what did you do. I said I kicked him in the nuts. She rushed over to me put her hands in my pants and grabbed as much of my sac and dick as she could. She only got a hold of my left nut, but then began twisting and pulling yanking upward till I was being lifted up off the ground, this was a large woman and I was just a kid. Again I told no one, I thought I was punished accordingly and wasn't expecting any sympathy considering I just tried to do nearly the same type of damage to someone else so I didn't even ask for ice, or to go to a hospital. I didn't want to see her arrested. I saw this as a you hurt my baby I hurt you type of mothers reaction. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. It never did stop hurting. Over two decades later and it still hurts. The pain got better over time, but never fully went away. I've also had my testosterone level tested multiple times and its on the lower range, just a few points into the normal range so I can't get a prescription for steroids. I'm also diabetic because with lower testosterone there's a whole mess of health issues. What dad did was small potatoes compared to what this woman did. I still have these testicle pains and yet when I tell my doctors I want it removed after years of them not being able to figure out why it hurts. I figured if they remove the one that hurts. Then my testosterone range should drop those few points so that I fall below the normal range and I would then qualify for a legal prescription of testosterone, which would help with my diabetes and some other issues. Defiantly gives me a boost in confidence and I'm even able to start looking people in the eye again while I am on steroids. But my doctors refuse to remove the testicle that hurts. I don't recall what the excuse was. Something about they can't legally prescribe steroids because I was still in the normal range by a few points, and they could lose their doctor license or whatever if they just write out a script. Won't remove it because they can't figure out why it hurts and they don't believe me or whatever their trip is, again worried about losing their license to practice medicine. But years later I read a article about a man who sold one of his testicles to science in trade for a Nissan Z. Nothing was even wrong with his testicles. So wtf. As far as I know I could get up to ten years for possession of steroids. And Obama had to go and sign something into law where anyone who buys Asia Pharma steroids can face even more time.
https://thinksteroids.com/news/president-obama-asia-pharma-mihael-karner-kingpin-act/ So now that I can't order from where I used to. I go looking someplace else and I'm about to do the billing for my order but the billing is about to go to someone in Ukraine. I'm not about to order anything from that region, because it is Ukraine where that drug Krokodil is popular, and I'm not fixing to inject myself with anything ordered from Ukraine. One of the reasons I don't much care that Putin wants to invade Ukraine. If Putin's actions can contain Krokodil anyway. I feel like Obama caused more problems making steroids less available. This makes it to where there are fewer places to order them. I feel like if I lived in Mexico I could be healthier because I could simply walk into a pharmacy and buy whatever I want.
Halloween is fucked, xmas is fucked, I was fucked, Obama is fucked, Russia is fucked, that guy who traded a testicle for a Nissan Z is fucked, society is fucked, and then there is people saying garbage such as, you will know when Jesus touches you. I don't expect to ever see Jesus to suddenly start caring and I can just live out the rest of this great life because Jesus has saved me. Maybe one day I will get libido enough to want to mate with some woman as we have rabbit sex but this is doubtful too. If it ever happens for me then I might have something to look forward to and something to lose, but for years now I have felt that I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to lose. Part of me thinks I don't want to make the same mistakes that I feel my parents did, obviously I wouldn't fuck up as epic as dad, but there was plenty of other things wrong and fucked up that were mistakes anyone could do wrong. I'm not ready for the responsibility of a little one. I don't know that I like this world so much to where I would even want to bring a life into this world. I don't even know that I can. Maybe all the bad stuff that happened to me when I was a kid are all reasons that I say fuck the Easter bunny, fuck Santa, Halloween is fucked, pretty much everything else is fucked. I feel like if I had a kid. I would never want to lie to the kid ever. Always tell the truth no matter what. Teach the kid many things but never be sarcastic. If the kid asks a question no matter how silly the question is I would do my best to answer it as truthfully and best that I could. I've noticed that when a kid is learning if you teach them something or answer a question about something they want to know with a lie or false information. The child can grow up believing it. I don't see the point in hurting the child with the truth once they learn what is real, or causing the child to be hurt by another child or adult when they are corrected about what someone being sarcastic has taught the child. I would raise a child to partake, but skip the lies. I even thought that I could just join a church and get baptized and start a new life, maybe meat a nice woman who goes to church. Just go along with everything and things would be good. I don't see this happening. I've been hurt too many times by too many people.