All your shitty jokes

BudmanTX

BudmanTX

Well-Known Member
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
BudmanTX

BudmanTX

Well-Known Member
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
 
BudmanTX

BudmanTX

Well-Known Member
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
 
shnkrmn

shnkrmn

Well-Known Member
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appeared and gave him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbled from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggled, asking again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers, then raised his gown and held his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, looking very closely, she said, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly,

“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
“Are my test results back?"
 
W

whatscooking

Well-Known Member
A guy wanted to take his girlfriend rabbit hunting. She didn't want to go. He said I'm going outside to get the dogs ready and when I come back in you will have three choices. Your going hunting with me, your goIng to give me a BJ, or were going to have anal sex. He goes outside and gets the dogs ready and comes back inside. Well what are you going to do honey. She says I dont want to go rabbit hunting with you and i dont want one up my ass so i guess I will just give you a BJ. She was blowing away and all of a sudden she says, your dick taste like shit, he says I know those dogs didnt want to go either.
 
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