All your shitty jokes

Must be from the UK

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/bum-splitting-turd-uncovered-uk-29568138

A guy went to the Dr. because his penis was orange.
"Dr. my penis is orange."

"Well lets have a look at it, (undoes his pants) That's different I've never seen this before. Does your girlfriend have the same problem?"

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Did you possibly catch this when you went out on the weekend?"

"I don't go out on the weekend."

"Well what do you do for entertainment?"

"I just sit at home, eat Cheetos, and watch porn."

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has seen his brother .
The bartender says , what does he look like ?

Laughing Grass said:

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Kids.

I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother today.

Brocco Lee

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Tommy? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really need to talk to your Dad, about your brother Tommy getting my daughter Mary pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Tommy.

Bear walks into a bar.
Bear "give me a beer."
Bartender "we don't serve bears her"
"serve me or I'll eat that woman "
"We don't serve baligerant bears here"
Bear eats women "now give me a beer"
"Your on drugs you have to leave
"wtf you talking about"
" that was a bar-bitch-u-ate"

Man sits at orders rum and coke.
Bartender "we do things a lil different here but if your not satisfied I'll waive the charge"
Place an apple on the bar.
Man is very confused; takes a bite "omg this taste just like spiced rum
Bartender"turn it around"
"Omg that coke a cola"
Another man walks in orders gin and tonic
Bartender places another apple on the bar.
Man is very confused 1st man assures him it is a legit experience
Man 2 takes a bit. "Omg the apple taste like gin"
Bartender "turn it around"
"Omg that's tonic water."
3rd man walks in. The first two are raving to to him "this man has an apple that taste like anything you want"
3rd man "got pussy"
Bartender hands him an apple
3rd man bites his apple and spits it all over the bar "WTF dude this taste like shit"
Bartender "dude you gotta turn it around"