Anyone always have suicidal thoughts?

[Killaki]

I would never presume to judge a person who feels like this as the dark place is very dark.

For me I don't see how suicide would help me grow, now is all there is now.

I don't ever see myself committing suicide but I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for 20+ years now and for me it's because I've experienced a lot of traumas in my life. I know my mind wanders to suicide because it does not want to endure more but I know the experiences my mind is relating to be what's actually happening is different and what I deal with now is never as bad as it was. I don't care to go into too much detail but long story short, things will get better but that doesn't mean you won't have suicidal thoughts anymore. However what it does mean is that things get better, and that's worth living for in my opinion.

 

[insomnia65]

I don't ever see myself committing suicide but I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for 20+ years now and for me it's because I've experienced a lot of traumas in my life. I know my mind wanders to suicide because it does not want to endure more but I know the experiences my mind is relating to be what's actually happening is different and what I deal with now is never as bad as it was. I don't care to go into too much detail but long story short, things will get better but that doesn't mean you won't have suicidal thoughts anymore. However what it does mean is that things get better, and that's worth living for in my opinion.

Your brain is just a tool, I feel for you mate.

 

[Killaki]

Your brain is just a tool, I feel for you mate.

For me the brain is me. The body is just a meat sack controlled by my nervous system which is controlled by my brain, aka me.

 

[insomnia65]

For me the brain is me. The body is just a meat sack controlled by my nervous system which is controlled by my brain, aka me.

Yes I know, I used to think that the brain was me, I felt it was my ego, I've found it's just a tool, it will over think and contemplate things I don't want to think about, so I distract myself when that happens, I have negative thoughts all the time, sometimes it's not so easy to distract myself.

 

[Killaki]

Yes I know, I used to think that the brain was me, I felt it was my ego, I've found it's just a tool, it will over think and contemplate things I don't want to think about, so I distract myself when that happens, I have negative thoughts all the time, sometimes it's not so easy to distract myself.

Best of luck to you my friend. Invasive thoughts are called that for a reason and it can be a real bitch.

 

[yummy fur]

Here's a thought from Frank Zappa... 'just make sure you do it right the first time, because nothings worse than a suicide chump'.

 

[yummy fur]

Yes I know, I used to think that the brain was me...

The one who thinks the brain is you, is you. But not the one who understands that, that's just more mind.

 

[insomnia65]

The one who thinks the brain is you, is you. But not the one who understands that, that's just more mind.

When you overthink and you do not want to? The brain is a marvelous tool.

 

[yummy fur]

When you overthink and you do not want to? The brain is a marvelous tool.

Yes the brain and the mind are both instruments.

 

[Just Be]

Meditation has been a very effective coping tool for me. It's allowed me to become more of a watcher of the thoughts rather than being controlled by them. Sure, the thoughts are not always pleasant but they're also not always present. I'm of the opinion that we're all a little 'schizophrenic' (for lack of a better term) ..and I'm also a firm believer that we're all here to better ourselves even if that means making healing somewhat of a hobby. Some folks choose to constantly distract themselves with family, jobs, pets, hobbies etc and they may never have the opportunity to truly know themselves. I believe that we're all responsible for the path that we're on and I feel that a path of introspection, rather than a path of distraction from our true selves, is the more rewarding path. Of course, these are only my opinions based on my own experience of having battled depression for well over 45 years. Best of luck and many blessings to you @shroomhaze. You have my support and my love. Feel free to DM me anytime. I mean it.

 

[insomnia65]

We all have negative thoughts, distract yourself, think of your friends and/or loved ones, you are worth more than you realise my friend, as my father said " who said life would be fair" it is what it is and you are worth it brother.

 

[StonedGardener]

Every single one of us go through dark times so dont think that happens to just you and your alone. Also there is always others in much worse off situations. Think of what it must feel like to not be able to move from your bed. I know of people who have been stuck in their bed for years due to disabilities or health problems with there body covered in bed sores but they dont have the ability to turn over. There are children who live in war zones knowing out of every 10 children at least half of them may die or not make it past 20. There are people who face being beaten and abused evry day and have done for years. Some of us are lucky at least we have our health. And think of it this way yes they can keep you physically locked up taking away your freedom but your mind is always free. Things may seem bad today but there is always a better day.

So true about health, you loose that then ya got a real problem. Issues that use to seem important fade away...gives a whole new perspective to life, that's what unfortunately has happened to me and so many more. I rather live in a cardboard box and feel good !

 

[insomnia65]

Thanks for your concern bro but my problem is not depression or anxiety I have specific problems in my life and I know know what they are. Solutions to them however is not so easy and not always in my control. I maybe depressed because of my situation for sure but really no therapy is gonna do any help, I know the problems and the fixes the fixes tho require money and some other things which I dont have.

Little steps brother, As I get older I find this is true in most things, fight one battle at a time.

 

[Runa]

Sometimes things seem way to hard and you feel hopeless not knowing what to do. I know how it feels when you're not in control and shit just piles up... One thing after another... However, things also tend to change all the time and when you least expect them. If someone told me a year and a half ago that world would be in this standstill due to some stupid virus I would call bullshit. But there, things change. As clichéd as it sounds nothing really lasts forever. By committing a suicide you basically deprive yourself of the inevitable change that is bound to come. It is a stupid move. Life is not that short at all. A lot of things can happen in just a few years. Stay strong and stay safe.... Maybe cut on weed if it makes you depressive and anxious since that happens too.

 

[badspark]

Suicide is never the answer. If you need need someone to talk to DM me. Mental health is serious and should be treated so. I can’t stress enough how suicide is selfish and hurts more people than you can imagine.

I can't stand that response. Suicide is never the answer for YOU. I see it as the ultimate freedom of choice. No one can tell you what you should be willing to endure. Nobody else has walked in your shoes. They may have similarities in their life experiences but they aren't you. You are uniquely qualified to understand what you've been through, how much you can take, how much internal strength you have, your thoughts on the afterlife, the quality of life that you have, the cumulative effects of your life experiences as well as the toll they take, the amount of mental/physical pain you live with, and several other factors that go into this choice.

I see it as being selfish to ask a terminal cancer patient that lives in constant pain to cling to life from a hospital bed as they wither away with no quality of life just because you have problems with acceptance and closure. Does it effect others? Of course it does. So would their natural death. Are you going to take all of that mental or physical anguish for them? Again you can blame others for all kinds of feelings you have about how or why they died but you're being selfish. It's THEIR life. You are just a part of it. Do far too many become misguided and think it's the only choice due to ignorance of just how resilient our bodies, minds, and spirits really are? Yes, of course. That doesn't mean that's always the case though. You can't just say it's never the answer. The words "never" and "always" don't work in the real world. There is way too much grey area in life to have such black and white absolutes. If you have a horrible quality of life, then what's the point of just surviving?

 

[insomnia65]

When you are in that dark place selfish does not come into it.

Just believe that things change, that's the only constant in the universe, change.

 

[Offmymeds]

To Shroomhaze & all our friends in Greece, Turkey, Syria, & to the many refugees around the world, I feel your despair. My wife has severe MS, terrible bedsores, dislocated & herniated spinal discs, and mental illness/paranoid schizophrenia caused by MS brain lesions. Right now I am listening to her in her hospital bed in our living room repeating "ow" every few seconds, some ows are louder than others. Sometimes she repeats "hurry up, ...oh come on...please hurry up...come on...". She is almost trance like in this state. I gave her a pain pill at 5:45 AM. That takes 45-60 minutes to kick in & sometimes doesn't & another dose is needed after another 90-120 minutes of "ow"s. Still waiting and hoping it kicks in soon. We have no savings left & it is all up to me to care for her 24/7 right now. That means hand feeding and literally hours to clean a BM at times due to the intense pain she suffers. A few days ago my wife literally passed out from the pain of me flipping her over to dress her wound. Hurting someone you love in order to care for them is not easy.

Now I'm discovering that my swollen calf indicates that all of my knee surgery scar damage may be causing blood clots. I had planned to outlive my wife by staying fit & healthy but I can't even get to a doctor. I could possibly die from a pulmonary embolism at any moment.

I have a challenge. I still have hope but DAMN, enough already!

We passed well over an hour since she took the pain pill but the ows are still coming along with an occasional "OMG". Looks like another bad day ahead. Sometimes you have to take it one hour at a time A nurse will be here to check on her in about 6 hours. That really isn't a break for me since I have to hold my wife in a painful position as the nurse changes the wound dressing but at least I have competent help for a short period. It's also social interaction that my wife needs badly.

On the bright side my wife is getting professional care that many in the world don't & I fortunately had enough in the bank for the $1k upgrade for an air mattress made for bedsores thanks to the stimulus $.

Also it looks probable that I will be have a bountiful harvest of White Runtz in just a few more weeks and I've found caring people in these forums.

Life will go on with or without me but I want to stick it out for a little while longer. I still have things to accomplish & things to do and see.

Shroom, obviously you feel doomed but please keep posting. My simple plan is to make each moment the best possible. Today's disgusting tasks aren't as disgusting for me as before. Like you, I'm coping. I will make something in life better today.

 

[insomnia65]

To Shroomhaze & all our friends in Greece, Turkey, Syria, & to the many refugees around the world, I feel your despair. My wife has severe MS, terrible bedsores, dislocated & herniated spinal discs, and mental illness/paranoid schizophrenia caused by MS brain lesions. Right now I am listening to her in her hospital bed in our living room repeating "ow" every few seconds, some ows are louder than others. Sometimes she repeats "hurry up, ...oh come on...please hurry up...come on...". She is almost trance like in this state. I gave her a pain pill at 5:45 AM. That takes 45-60 minutes to kick in & sometimes doesn't & another dose is needed after another 90-120 minutes of "ow"s. Still waiting and hoping it kicks in soon. We have no savings left & it is all up to me to care for her 24/7 right now. That means hand feeding and literally hours to clean a BM at times due to the intense pain she suffers. A few days ago my wife literally passed out from the pain of me flipping her over to dress her wound. Hurting someone you love in order to care for them is not easy.

Now I'm discovering that my swollen calf indicates that all of my knee surgery scar damage may be causing blood clots. I had planned to outlive my wife by staying fit & healthy but I can't even get to a doctor. I could possibly die from a pulmonary embolism at any moment.

I have a challenge. I still have hope but DAMN, enough already!

We passed well over an hour since she took the pain pill but the ows are still coming along with an occasional "OMG". Looks like another bad day ahead. Sometimes you have to take it one hour at a time A nurse will be here to check on her in about 6 hours. That really isn't a break for me since I have to hold my wife in a painful position as the nurse changes the wound dressing but at least I have competent help for a short period. It's also social interaction that my wife needs badly.

On the bright side my wife is getting professional care that many in the world don't & I fortunately had enough in the bank for the $1k upgrade for an air mattress made for bedsores thanks to the stimulus $.

Also it looks probable that I will be have a bountiful harvest of White Runtz in just a few more weeks and I've found caring people in these forums.

Life will go on with or without me but I want to stick it out for a little while longer. I still have things to accomplish & things to do and see.

Shroom, obviously you feel doomed but please keep posting. My simple plan is to make each moment the best possible. Today's disgusting tasks aren't as disgusting for me as before. Like you, I'm coping. I will make something in life better today.

Take care my friend.

 

[Runa]

I see it as being selfish to ask a terminal cancer patient that lives in constant pain to cling to life from a hospital bed as they wither away with no quality of life just because you have problems with acceptance and closure. Does it effect others? Of course it does. So would their natural death. Are you going to take all of that mental or physical anguish for them? Again you can blame others for all kinds of feelings you have about how or why they died but you're being selfish. It's THEIR life. You are just a part of it. Do far too many become misguided and think it's the only choice due to ignorance of just how resilient our bodies, minds, and spirits really are? Yes, of course. That doesn't mean that's always the case though. You can't just say it's never the answer. The words "never" and "always" don't work in the real world. There is way too much grey area in life to have such black and white absolutes. If you have a horrible quality of life, then what's the point of just surviving?

If people didn't play God(s) we wouldn't have these cases. People would just die as nature intended. However, a terminal ill person wanting to die is quite different from a "healthy" person wanting the same thing just because at some point in their lives things didn't turn out as they thought they would. The society is putting too much pressure on people to be happy and achieve some bullshit standards when it is perfect fine and human to lose and be miserable.

 

[shroomhaze]

Wow thanks everyone for your comments it been very hard for me to reply for them I apologize for that. I really dont know why its so hard sometimes to reply to this type of comment. I appreciate every single one of you for taking your time for me. @Offmymeds I thank you so much my friend I really hope better days come for the both of us. Sending so much love to your way hope the best for you and your wife