tired of being a scumbag but dont know how to change....

NevaSmokedOut · Jan 17, 2014

theexpress said:
first and for most... some of you guys who may know me will know that im all kinds of fucked up..... and unfortunently it is not an act... im the same jaggov behind the screen that I am in real life... I wasn't always like this.... looking back to my childhood at about 7-8 year old shit start going bad for me... I started acting up and making poor decisions that would follow me threw life... I could sit here and blame my father for not being there for me and beating my mother more times then I care to recall and twice trying to kill my mom {once shot her in the ear thank god it didn't hit her head} some of it has to do with him.. other parts I made my own bed and had to lie in it... I practiced so hard since I was young to be just a cold cruel person... so much so that I got lost in that shit and programmed myself to be that dude.... I thought it would be necessary for my survival but man I fucking hate what I have become... I cant control my anger for shit... I loose my cool over the most minimal and stupidest shit. I can now from practice sometimes catch myself before I hurt someone {took a lot of practice} but its hard to control my words I find myself saying the craziest most hurtfull shit that comes into my mind and out my lips first..... I don't know wtf it is to be happy.. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy... I mainly have 2 emotions.... anger and depression.. and I end up masking the depression and manifesting it into anger so others wont mistake it for a weakness... my face wears 2 main expressions.... anger and hurt..... anything else seems not to look right on me... I don't look right being happy... prolly cuzz most the time its fake. ive tried so hard to fucking change but its hard to break old habbits and mindsets.... I know I have a big heart but wtf good is that if hardly no one ever sees or notices it in you... there is soooo much more shit I dont have the patience to sit here and type it all..... ive reached that moment in life where I hate wat ive become... just been feeling down and like fucking shit lately... any advice or imput would be appreciated... whether negative or positive imput I prolly deserve it either way.... AM I FUCKED FOR LIFE OR WHAT? lol fml!!!

man you are a parallel reality verison of me. sounds like you need a gf doc. im totally serious, no one can cope or make you feel better than the total opposite of yourself.

theexpress · Jan 30, 2014

life is kicking my ass at the moment......... :[

TripleMindedGee5150 · Jan 30, 2014

Sound like me bro. When I was younger. I was on wellbutrin , like the yayo, in and out of juvi , county . Shit what helped me was having a kid. Don't go out and have a kid but that's what saved me.

I was in and out of Looney bins too. But now all the younger crowd and lots of friends look up to me. I learned that positivity is a big key. Keep busy.

Read, run lift weights. Don't dwell on shit. Make it a goal to be better . Make it a challenge so you don't give up. There is hope Mayne. Don't give up hope

DutchKillsRambo · Jan 30, 2014

Ever thought about working with animals?

I never dealt with anger much but I volunteer at an animal shelter and it's helped me normalize my mood swings. I think it has something to do with worrying about others and not just myself. That and dogs always make me happy.

Singlemalt · Jan 30, 2014

DutchKillsRambo said:
Ever thought about working with animals?

I never dealt with anger much but I volunteer at an animal shelter and it's helped me normalize my mood swings. I think it has something to do with worrying about others and not just myself. That and dogs always make me happy.

reps ...................

BarnBuster · Jan 30, 2014

theexpress said:
life is kicking my ass at the moment......... :[

so what's happening?

dannyboy602 · Jan 30, 2014

DutchKillsRambo said:
Ever thought about working with animals?

I never dealt with anger much but I volunteer at an animal shelter and it's helped me normalize my mood swings. I think it has something to do with worrying about others and not just myself. That and dogs always make me happy.

plus rep and a few extra characters

MrEDuck · Jan 31, 2014

DutchKillsRambo said:
Ever thought about working with animals?

I never dealt with anger much but I volunteer at an animal shelter and it's helped me normalize my mood swings. I think it has something to do with worrying about others and not just myself. That and dogs always make me happy.

Horses are good too.

white1340 · Jan 31, 2014

Sounds like you need a hobby. Seriously tho, being in a rut is depressing as fuck, been there. Find something to look forward to while getting up in the morning whether it be a woman, or a project like rebuilding an old motorcycle or a muscle car or whatever floats your boat. Hey how about a really cool boat?

WeedKillsBrainCells · Jan 31, 2014

Already halfway into your first post and feel empathy. Especially the part about practicing to be a cold, cruel person - then it sorta becoming a reality. Was the same for me. Always was sorta jokingly a pessimist but eventually started to believe those things. It doesn't probably help but at least you know there's someone out there who feels like you.

eye exaggerate · Jan 31, 2014

white1340 said:
Sounds like you need a hobby. Seriously tho, being in a rut is depressing as fuck, been there. Find something to look forward to while getting up in the morning whether it be a woman, or a project like rebuilding an old motorcycle or a muscle car or whatever floats your boat. Hey how about a really cool boat?

Like. Very ADD

theexpress · Jul 15, 2014

quit smokin and sellin bud today. gave da whole gorilla grow away to my partner. threw away 3 fourths a p of schwagg i had left to flip cost me bout 400 bux fuck it. i dont wanna live like this anymore.. im almost 30 shit got old. this no longer wat i want in life. gotta pull my shit togather fast

GreatwhiteNorth · Jul 15, 2014

theexpress said:
quit smokin and sellin bud today. gave da whole gorilla grow away to my partner. threw away 3 fourths a p of schwagg i had left to flip cost me bout 400 bux fuck it. i dont wanna live like this anymore.. im almost 30 shit got old. this no longer wat i want in life. gotta pull my shit togather fast

Then go somewhere with it bro.

theexpress · Jul 15, 2014

GreatwhiteNorth said:
Then go somewhere with it bro.

yea i knlow gotta get back in rat race. need to find a job n shit. ill prolly smoke n grow again but im done dealin im for sure done with coke to. i need to earn right to smoke cant just turn into a lazy stoner again

GreatwhiteNorth · Jul 15, 2014

theexpress said:
yea i knlow gotta get back in rat race. need to find a job n shit. ill prolly smoke n grow again but im done dealin im for sure done with coke to. i need to earn right to smoke cant just turn into a lazy stoner again

The white lady is a girl that can keep me in a headlock - and I know it so I don't allow myself to play with her.
Growing up in S Fla in the 70's I have met that gal in her most pure form.
Just gotta say no & mean it or she'll take you.

theexpress · Jul 15, 2014

dude i just feel diffrent about everything now. i tried so hard to change to no avail. but now my eyes been open to alot of shit. and today was day 1. i hope i can keep this going untill i get back on right p ath.

theexpress · Jul 15, 2014

ive let friends go that were phoney.... seems liike the older u get the more valuable usee3 ur time being worth ive waswted alotof years... man i gotta start from scratch again. butsomehow im kinda lookinforward to it. these yearsarre flying byy

GreatwhiteNorth · Jul 15, 2014

theexpress said:
ive let friends go that were phoney.... seems liike the older u get the more valuable usee3 ur time being worth ive waswted alotof years... man i gotta start from scratch again. butsomehow im kinda lookinforward to it. these yearsarre flying byy

Believe me - that fuckin clock won't slow down.
Quite the opposite.
Time to plan for your long term future my friend.
PM if you want, I'm an old fuck & know a million ways to fuck your life up so just do the opposite of whatever I say. :wink:

:

Singlemalt · Jul 15, 2014

GreatwhiteNorth said:
The white lady is a girl that can keep me in a headlock - and I know it so I don't allow myself to play with her.
Growing up in S Fla in the 70's I have met that gal in her most pure form.
Just gotta say no & mean it or she'll take you.

What he said.....thats the one drug that scared and tried to consume me

theexpress · Jul 15, 2014

GreatwhiteNorth said:
Believe me - that fuckin clock won't slow down.
Quite the opposite.
Time to plan for your long term future my friend.
PM if you want, I'm an old fuck & know a million ways to fuck your life up so just do the opposite of whatever I say. :

lol u aint never lieing about planning my future... im 10 years behind. i donno if i can do the school thing plus i stiill need to get a ged. i gotta get out this state i moved from city to burbs but burbs still suck. this place aint for me doe illinois is my home. just dont wanna leave my family. my mom my bro my lil nephew an my uncle thats all i got in this entire world bro. i had a life changing view while i been sick as fuck

tired of being a scumbag but dont know how to change....

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