Thing's aren't going to well

Hey guys, I really don't want to sound like a douche bag or a pussy, and I've known recently that there have been some fake threads about Ecstasy addiction but I'm really having a hard time with quitting. MDMA just makes feel like everything will be alright and gives me so much confidence, TOO MUCH. I've pulled so much girls on E it's unrealistic. I love the feeling it gives me. The empathgenic feelings to the body high. I can't stop thinking about it nor taking it.

I really don't want you guys to think I'm bullshitting here because I'm not. I honestly felt connected to Trippy before I found it out that his MDMA addiction thread was fake. Honestly it's not even funny because to me atleast it's so physicolagicly addicting. I have so much fun on E, and feel so confident that I just can't cope myself to feel normal without it.

I'm constantly thinking about Molly, and always have to make sure I can cop some. I don't know why, it's just that Ecstasy makes me feel so alive that I can't seem to feel true happiness without it. I'm really scared guys, I'm obsessing about it and it's so fucked up because I have so much potential in life but I'm wasting on it on nonsense. I feel so sorry for myself because of what drugs have done to my family and esp. me. It ruined my relationship with my father. I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years since I was 13, but while rolling the other day (yesterday) I kept having the sudden urge to forgive him and want to make things better even though he sexually abused me.

It's eating me up inside guys really.
I never thought that MDMA would take such a toll in my life honestly but it's just such a big deal to me and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY! I Fucking hate it but at the same time I love it. Without Ecstasy I feel like I would never feel happiness again and I know that's so fucked up but that's truley how I feel. I'm scared guys, really. I chose E over at 25hr job. That's when you know things are fucked up.

Again I really don't want to sound like a pussy or a hyporcrite. Honestley but I cannot stop thinking about MDMA. I have suffered from PTSD since I was a really young child, and ever since I rolled it's been all I can think about. The first time I popped E was about 6 years ago and slowly it has become more and more important to me, to wherever I go to any social gatherings I feel as if I need it to be myself.
It's a disaster guys, I feel ashamed of myself because I know alot of guys are going to think I'm full of shit and seeking attention but in reality I'm not, I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't stop obsessing about it.

please guys is anyone else strugging or have struggled with this? I'm just so confident on E that I feel like I can do anything (Literally anything) I can pull so much girls it's ridiculous! But when I'm not on E my self esteem goes down the shit whole.
What should I do?

Please please don't mock me, this is not some bullshit thread seeking for attention but this is deeply serious. I honestly think that MDMA is taking over my life. That's all I look forward too its Molly, and raves.
That's seems to be the only time I exp. happiness and I'm taking it too frequenly and at such high doses I'm scared that it's not going to do much for me after a while.
Thank you for being there for me dudes, but suggestions and help would really mean A FUCKING SHIT TON to me. My self esteem is just lowering and I don't feel like myself.

Thanks.
Your friend
Heisenberg

My wife is even thinking about divorcing me and I'm just so depressed, it's like everything I lived for means nothing to me now and I'm so young I should have so much better things to look forward but nothing means anything to me anymore, that's why it offended me when people said I was idiot in my last thread for choosing MDMA over my job. Because I know it's true. It's pathetic that I chose a drug over a great paying job.
Gosh I hope I don't come off as a cry baby but this is just really how I feel.

You need to find the Lord or join the army or something.
Youre living a fairytale life and pissing real life away.
Join a program or take up a hobby and stay away from Molly.

I know it's not that simple but then again it is.

Nutes and Nugs said:

You need to find the Lord or join the army or something.
Youre living a fairytale life and pissing real life away.
Join a program or take up a hobby and stay away from Molly.

I know it's not that simple but then again it is.

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I know man trust me I know, I just can't find real happiness else where, that's all I fucking want to be happy. You'd think that getting married would be the most cheerful moment of your life... I was wrong. An exp. on E was more cheerful as much as it sounds fucked up.
Another reason why I feel too ashamed.

What's up, man

I've used MDMA probably a few dozen times, I'm guessing nowhere near your experience, but I feel like replying to this, since it's something I'm somewhat familiar with and after having used a lot more substances, MDMA has remained my personal favorite since I first used it.

I Am Heisenberg said:

MDMA just makes feel like everything will be alright and gives me so much confidence, TOO MUCH.

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This is the first thing I too realized about it, you feel like a fucking KING on mdma, it can turn the most socially awkward person (me) into the life of the party, and it's amazing. You lose total inhibition and gain complete confidence, it's almost unreal..

I Am Heisenberg said:

I really don't want you guys to think I'm bullshitting here because I'm not.

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Don't bother with those sorts of people, they will just bring your experience at RIU down. There are a ton of cool, good, honest people here, it just takes a little time and work to weed through everybody. After a while you'll get a handle on em, you'll want to reply to the negativity, too, but trust me, it's not worth it, just ignore them.

I Am Heisenberg said:

I'm constantly thinking about Molly, and always have to make sure I can cop some. I don't know why, it's just that Ecstasy makes me feel so alive that I can't seem to feel true happiness without it.

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I feel ya, I was at a point a year or two ago I was using it twice a month with more and more limiting effects, the 'magic' kept getting weaker and weaker with each use. It got to the point I started lying to my girlfriend about buying/using it, and it eventually became a huge strain on our relationship.

I Am Heisenberg said:

I'm really scared guys, I'm obsessing about it and it's so fucked up because I have so much potential in life but I'm wasting on it on nonsense.

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Read what you just wrote. That's your wake up call, my friend. I know it, you know it, you just admitted it to yourself and that's the most important part. You're scared, it's taken over your life, and you constantly think about using it. It's time to take a break. What is the worst that could happen? Just admit to yourself it's time for a break, be confident, be consistent, and PM me, or keep running these thoughts through your mind for constant motivation. You know you can do better, you can BE better, for your family and friends, but ultimately, for yourself, so you can sleep at night! Remember that? A good nights sleep? I didn't feel that until this same realization hit me and I decided to tone it down (not quit!), just ease back a bit.. As sad as it is.. what broke it for me was I simply wasn't getting the same effect as I used to pay for, and I thought it was just a waste of money... a lot of money.. Whatever it is though for you, man, use it! Use whatever you have available, whatever you can grasp your hands onto to quell that voice inside telling you "just one more time.. what'll one more time do, I'm already here..?".

I Am Heisenberg said:

I feel so sorry for myself because of what drugs have done to my family and esp. me. It ruined my relationship with my father. I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years since I was 13, but while rolling the other day (yesterday) I kept having the sudden urge to forgive him and want to make things better even though he sexually abused me.

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Use that as motivation to get clean. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guarantee your father will see it that way. Don't be ashamed to admit to him your faults and shortcomings, if he's a good person, he will accept you and help you through it. It's not permanent, which is something so hard to believe at this stage in your addiction, you CAN overcome it GODDAMNIT, believe you can! The hardest part is telling yourself that and actually believing it!

I Am Heisenberg said:

It's eating me up inside guys really.

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Think of the thousands of people who don't come to this realization before it's too late. Consider yourself lucky and take this as a chance to frame the rest of your life how you fucking want it to be. Make it yours. Replace the time you spent on MDMA with someone special, something you love doing, remember before you used to use, what did you love to do? Video games, woodworking, auto shop? Whatever, go back to that, fucking own it! Become the best at that, do something you love doing, NOTHING will be as high of a feeling as that highest roll on MDMA, but trust that you will eventually get to a point where you don't NEED that high anymore. All it takes is time, I promise. If you can do it for enough time, it will eventually become a routine.

I Am Heisenberg said:

I never thought that MDMA would take such a toll in my life honestly but it's just such a big deal to me and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY! I Fucking hate it but at the same time I love it. Without Ecstasy I feel like I would never feel happiness again and I know that's so fucked up but that's truley how I feel. I'm scared guys, really. I chose E over at 25hr job. That's when you know things are fucked up.

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That's exactly how I felt when I decided to quit. I couldn't believe something could be that powerful! It knocked me ON MY ASS the first dozen times! I LOVED IT! I guess luckily for me, the source became pretty scarce and it became difficult to get, so I was kind of forced out of the scene, but while I was there, I was stuck, just like you, in the sea of pleasure. Nothing even compares. But, the thing I've realized since being off it so long is that nothing has to compare, life itself, even though mine has been absolute shit since I quit, does the job. Don't get me wrong, and I wouldn't lie to you like some bullshit DARE ad, being high on MDMA is like nothing else of this world, but you forget the magic, you forget what it feels like, and forgetting it makes it easier to run your own life and not have the substance run it.

The love hate relationship is the key to acknowledging abuse. You love the feeling, but you hate how it makes you feel afterwards. The guilt, the anger in yourself for doing it again.. it's awful..

I Am Heisenberg said:

Again I really don't want to sound like a pussy or a hyporcrite. Honestley but I cannot stop thinking about MDMA. I have suffered from PTSD since I was a really young child, and ever since I rolled it's been all I can think about. The first time I popped E was about 6 years ago and slowly it has become more and more important to me, to wherever I go to any social gatherings I feel as if I need it to be myself.
It's a disaster guys, I feel ashamed of myself because I know alot of guys are going to think I'm full of shit and seeking attention but in reality I'm not, I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't stop obsessing about it.

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Bro, the strongest thing you can do is admit this to yourself. Don't feel ashamed at all, you're the fucking man! Like I said about those same people earlier, forget about them, don't even acknowledge them, their opinion is meaningless, it literally has no bearing on your life whatsoever, simply forget about it, don't even pay attention to it. Focus on the positive. Stay positive. Stay confident.

I Am Heisenberg said:

please guys is anyone else strugging or have struggled with this? I'm just so confident on E that I feel like I can do anything (Literally anything) I can pull so much girls it's ridiculous! But when I'm not on E my self esteem goes down the shit whole.
What should I do?

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I would suggest you go from using (so often) to 3/4 as much, then to 1/2 as much, then 1/4 as much.. eventually, slowly ween yourself off, keep telling yourself it'll always be there if you need it, as this was one of the biggest obstacles in my own recovery. In my mind, I HAD to use it TODAY or else it was gone! Dumb, illogical, irrational, but your mind doesn't work that way when it's fucked up.. Before you do this, take a week off completely, I know, trust me, it'll be tough, really tough. But that one week will give you a little bit of depth into your own mind, where you're at physically, as in if your body is aching or you feel groggy or just not all there, a week will allow your body to get it out of your system. Give it a little time to clear your mind.

I Am Heisenberg said:

Please please don't mock me, this is not some bullshit thread seeking for attention but this is deeply serious. I honestly think that MDMA is taking over my life. That's all I look forward too its Molly, and raves.
That's seems to be the only time I exp. happiness and I'm taking it too frequenly and at such high doses I'm scared that it's not going to do much for me after a while.
Thank you for being there for me dudes, but suggestions and help would really mean A FUCKING SHIT TON to me. My self esteem is just lowering and I don't feel like myself.
EDuck, Rory, Skuxx I'm really looking for your guysess imput, Not just you all of you RIU.
Thanks.
Your friend
Heisenberg

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What it comes down to is how much will power you have. If you really want it, it's there to take. Right there, you know it, you can see it, you can feel it. All you have to do is make a decision, one decision to alter the course of your life from here on out. Never feel ashamed for what you've done, you're one of the bravest motherfuckers to ever exist, own it. You've admitted to yourself, and goddamnit, to the rest of the fucking world you are ready to take control of it. DO IT! Don't let it control you anymore. I know part of my own story was the bullshit excuse I always told myself "Eh, I'm young, I'll fuck around for now and get serious later..", fuck that! I'm mid 20's and have slowly realized that is a shitty excuse to use drugs. That's not what they're for, especially strong substances like MDMA. You use them to achieve a goal, or to experience enlightenment. As far as I've come, I'm not against using substances recreationally, all I recommend is use your brain when it comes to anything, and use in moderation. So long as you stick to those rules, you'll have a good, happy time. It's when such substances encroach on your regular everyday life and make you live it in a certain kind of way where it becomes a problem.


Stay strong, man. I know MDMA is THE SHIT, but so are YOU! Beat that shit, own it, then look back on it and laugh because you were stronger, you knew no substance could have that much control over you once you fully understood what it was capable of. It's empowering, it's more intense than the drug itself.

I used too thiz everyday and it took me removing myself from the situation to stop. I had to not be near people who sold or used it to break free and forget about it. Life is awesome when your on MDMA but you can learn to love life without it. If you can't then maybe treatment will help but I doubt it. Goodluck it takes a strong mind to forget about strong influences like X.

I've tried it multiple times. Never to a degree of addiction though. But feeling the effects and givin your situation, it's not surprising your so attached to it. No offense of course.
Obviously you realize you have an issue so that's a good start. You just have to look at the big picture. Your options are either continue to live the way you do or not. That's it. Mdma is a drug that shows no mercy. It makes you the happiest man on earth and the weakest. You my friend just need to stop using. You know you want to, so just quit cold turkey. Life will be better without it: maybe not right away, or 6 months or maybe even a year. But in the big scheme of things, you will live a much better life without it.


Its the little things in life that bring true joy and happiness. Focus on something else important in your life and forget about Molly. It won't be a fun ride. But I would bet my life that you'll find happiness without the drug.

Your brain only has so many nuerotransmitters. You mentioned you feel like it's less and less effective as well as that feeling of "I won't ever be happy again", and you're kind of right. If you keep doing it your brain may not be able to produce the same amount of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. And when you stop using it you're going to feel like shit until your brain can start building up it's stores again.

Man I don't know if I want to hope this is true or not. I can't stand being lied to but I don't want to think about someone else going through this.
It sounds like there's some pretty serious underlying issues and that combined the fact that you're brain is depleted of serotonin has you feeling extra shitty right now. If you keep trying to make yourself feel better with drugs the lows will get worse. And the highs slip away. Try to get help for them.
What worked for me was a long break and learning to be happy without it. Somewhere in there I learned to respect drugs and not abuse them. Or to stay the fuck away if I couldn't.

Heisenberg... What's the longest amount of time you usually go without dosing again in since you've noticed that it might be a problem???

My input:
First and foremost..if this is a joke then I seriously will hunt you down,and rob your dealer of all his molly.
I dealt E pills for years..hundreds of thousands of pills..50k in a week sometimes..bought ounces of molly for my head..I too had an 'addiction'..it really wasn't,but more of a lifestyle I had become accustomed to..money,hoes,clothes,partys,festivals,pimp presidential suites at hotels..the whole 'drug baller' lifestyle..the thing is you gain a tolerance to ALL this and the drug..its never enough..I knew I had to slow down when I ate 30 red supermans in a night..plus 10 or so others I traded for at the same festival from other dealers..I soulda got the message when I got locked in a room after 16 tasmanian devils..but,I'm stoopid!..
My point is..all this is gonna come to a head soon,and you have more on the line than I did at age 22..good job,wife..maybe a house ect..its not worth it..and not enjoyable at this point I imagine..searching for molly,not having enough,eating too much,feeling like shit..its not crack..instead of focusing on fun,in the back of your mind your saying 'i only have a tenth left,better make it last' instead of being focused soley on the fun..eventually I had to quit after my friends got deprted back to korea,I lost the hookup,and a hater was talking about killing me...what's it gonna take for you?
You need to settle down,deal with the tues blues for a month and keep on trucking..eat a lot of good food and 5htp..will keep you from being depressed so bad(believe me.it helps.I tried mdma recently for the first time in awhile..it did jack shit..my receptors are burnt!but my depression left years ago)..start living a better life..you'll thank yourself for listening to the 'real you'..mdma will allways be around..but your wife and life won't if you continue this behavior..I hope I have hit a nerve..it needs to be. If you have thoughts of suicide,please contact a professional man..this is all the advice I can give youm.the action you take is up to you..next time those capsules come to your lips,let the real you say 'no..this is not what I REALLY want.'

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=20dic8S3cWI
Smoke a joint,listen to this,comtemplate.
'I know that the life I'm livings no good'...

I Am Heisenberg said:

I can pull so much girls it's ridiculous!

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I Am Heisenberg said:

My wife is even thinking about divorcing me and I'm just so depressed

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are you serious dude? you're married and you take molly because you can "pull so much girls" - wtf. honestly i was going to type a well thought out, and empathetic post, but now i don't have that urge anymore. if you love your wife and your cheating on her while using molly as an excuse then you really don't deserve to have her. someone else will treat her the way she deserves to be treated and you will be left alone with your new girlfriend molly.

good luck sorting yourself out.

I Am Heisenberg said:

My wife is even thinking about divorcing me and I'm just so depressed, it's like everything I lived for means nothing to me now and I'm so young I should have so much better things to look forward but nothing means anything to me anymore, that's why it offended me when people said I was idiot in my last thread for choosing MDMA over my job. Because I know it's true. It's pathetic that I chose a drug over a great paying job.
Gosh I hope I don't come off as a cry baby but this is just really how I feel.

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Take some time with your wife brother.....sit down cross legged and stare into each others eyes for hours....and I mean hours, no talking, hold hands and just passionately looking into each others eyes....

This will rival MDMA I guarantee it (as long as you really love your wife and she you) whatever you do.....molly is not worth a marriage.....

Take some time outside I know its getting cold but get out there feel the wind touch the grass....and do it sober brother

I think these two things should help tremendously....

I feel for you especially when your molly use is effecting other people, ones you care about.....in time with a lil responsibility, integrity and genuinely attempting to connect with yourself and others in a sober state you should find a good balance.....

GOOD ON YOU THOUGH FOR REACHING OUT....I know I would be to scared to say anything, your a bigger man then me I would just try and hide it....take it easy man

After reading CCCmints post WTF man....not cool at all....RESPECT man RESPECT goddamn you have much more then a molly issue to work out

hmmmm... RIU should just keep this HS only. not all other drugs. Posting to get help is no way to get help... and half the responses here are dangerous. You need to find a free program for drug addiction like right now. thats it. get help. this is not getting help. Open a new Forum called Drug Addiction Help. Or start a Forum HS only and then a All Other Drug Forum. that would be cool.

I didn't wanna touch on the marriage issue since it seemed he asked for help with the molly issue..I don't know if you were using the 'pulling down girls' as an example of how molly helped you in the past,or if you're cheating..either way..not cool in my opinion..let girls be girls..they'll fall on your dick without help from drugs..and let your wife be that..your wife..think about it...a piece of ass that don't know you in bed or a wife that knows you in bed,and will get up in the morning and cook you eggs,without herpes..or asking for another line of molly.

Exercise a little self control, get it down to once a week and mix it up with a number of other drugs like 2C-E, 2C-B, LSD, 2C-I, Mushrooms, DMT, DPT, and whatever else you can find. Doing the same drug time after time is a recipie for physical addiction. Vary what you're taking and try to slowly ramp it down towards sanity.

I agree with taking more lsd...

http://theyummymummy.blogspot.com/2008/07/anthony-bourdain-thats-disgusting.html?m=1
The pic wouldn't post..but you'll get the idea.