Tell Me The Most Funniest Sex Incident You Ever Had And I'll Tell You Mine?

...... said:

lmfao kick stand is to good.I know someone who proudly says he gets head from a lady with no legs who lives in a fucking homeless shelter lol.

Click to expand...

you guys r fucken cool.... sorry i was smoken fucken poison ogee i broke it on my way down i dried it two weeks early so wen im ripped my spelling realy goes out the window.

Hahahah like the lady version of the dude on the movie kids!!! I have no legs!! Hahahaha

Very funny thread Thanks to all participants!

My friend was reading a book about sex/porn and he kept saying that sex was the "dirtiest" and "grimest" stuff ever. Piss, poo, sperm and sweat! Most people try to think about it as being all clean, crystal and romantic but we all know once your getting into it its pretty dirty

I gave my girlfriend a dicking and she had a shower, came back to bed and started rubbing onto me, I knew what she wanted instantly. Starts with the finger and proceeds with the tongue... Realised the pieces of dried up sperm stuck around (and few on my tonge actually) LOL

Funny part is it didn`t really bother me, whos squeamish about their own sperm eh? As long as its not in my fucking eye!!

tenner hahaha ^^^^ well i was about late teens early twenties n my friend ryan step sister not the big one but a sister who we nevor hardly seen rest in piece lurane.... she was realy hot i mean FUCKEN REALY HOT..... so she would come over she nevor ever acknoledge any of us we were just fuckups..... parting having fun those years her dad was dating ryans mom for year she lived with her mom... anyways one day i went to a party n i could fucken walk for the life of me all i remember was stagering in n opening the door we rented an addition on the side of the house witch was our room mine n ryans it was fucken huge six couches one big screen tv n one bed YA a fucken bed man that place was party city... well ryan stayed home he is the only one out of the family who didnt do drugs at all or even beer his thing was soda pop munchies pussy, and movies, n comedy thies family i swear r like the bundies.... anyway i go to the room ryan like look thumper im gona get my fuck on tonight sleep in the living room i was like okay man i ran outside on the side of the house n threw up.... i went in the living room n seen cookie HEY COOKIE YOU GOT ANY SHIT I NEED TO WAKE UP she like nope... uuuhhhh those years anyways i lay down the room start to move OWWW SHIT i get back up open the door run out to the side of the house its still early like elevan MY nabor was black LERENZO yells yo thump whats wrong i was like man im fucked up... he laughs older black dude man the most respectfull mother fucker that dudes good people i havent ran into many but that fool was buy far the only mother fucker i can say was cool to the foolest.... but back to the story so i go back in man i got chunks in my nose... i setle down n all i remember is sun start to rise beeming into my face i hear foot steps to the door , my head is to the door n it opens all i feel is some tiny soft silky legs move quick the comforter moves from my body n I EMEDIATLY open my eys shit what the fuck its lurane!!!!!! I LOOK UP ITS THE UNCLE ow shit n he is on a mission herion addict he gets drop off every morning to ryans place cuz his old ladie works n he goes to work neer buy... shit HE YELLS WHAT THE FUCK THUMPER im like owshit im hung over berly open my eyes n its luran in panties lil white socks ow man i dont even talk to her WHAT HAPPEND willie like thumper lets go outside i think he wanted to fuck me up i jump out of the couch put on my pants my shit that smelled like vomit i go out side half ass their i knew i was in big shit the dad didnt know that was his lil angle OW MY GOD every one gona fuck me up so i tell willie i dont know? i dont know .... he sead DONT FUCKEN LIE TO ME DOES GOYAL KNOW? i dont think so WHAT DO U MEAN U DONT THINK SO i was like man i telling u the truth he was geting more in rage so i sead look will i got 40 dollars thats all i have please i serious i dont remember i was throwing up please man my head hurts n i just want to shut my eyes.... he is an addict so he grabs it out of my hand n seas dont disrespect the house go somewere else..... so i go in she is their puting on her close im like WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEND THEIR IS NO WAY THIS COULD HAVE HAPPEND so i reach down grab my dick rub it around the nob n pull it to my nose it doesnt smell like pusssie WHAT THE FUCK I COULDNT KISS NO ONE n i know i couldnt fuck what did this girl do to me know that i think i didnt check my ass hole now of days i run into a few turkie loven women ... hahaha not for me thow.... anyway i ask her what happend? she sead if u dont remember im not gona tell you so she calls me two weeks later and i ask her again she didnt tell me she told me meet me at a hotel n i will tell u so i go... n of course on the hush....... i end up fucking her in the shower with soap all over her butifull body lather her with soad fucked her real good man she was everything i had imagined i dont want to go into detail my girl seen the forum yesterday n has been tripn on me of beeing on hear so im shure i dont want to fight with her so ima have to leave the details out..... my friend found out he didnt talk to me for two years.. i nevor talk to her again n years later about 8 months before she passed away ryan was on the phone she was in the back ground n she yells THUMPER THUMPER let me talk to him n my friend hangs up sad i realy wanted to know what happend i think personaly she seen me drunk passed out she uncloth me to see my size witch is prity imberasing wen im soft hahaha n god knows what happend but i know myself i cant perform wen im throwing up so i wounder how she came in how her dad just let her stay in the living room or did he know she was their.... ??????? buy the way i love my women today i hope she dont read this im gona stop hear i got a few more but realy i cant be doing this..... i wouldnt like to hear or read her experiances sorry guys i stop hear..... i hope u enjoyed my stories... i had fun writing them ....

Man up thumper tell your chick this is how you got to be the man you are today!! Grab her up slam her down and give her the deep dicking!! Hahaha

hahahaha^^^^^ if it were only that easy

Bitches trip but then makeup sex is when you take the anger out on her pussy and she walks funny for awhile and loves you for it.

i was on top and i always pull out and i somehow nutted in my own fucking eye! it happened so fast. i tried to somewhat play it cool and pretend i came on my forhead, but it was obvious i had a fucking load in my eye...lol!

Anybody ever get rousted by a cop while makin out in the front seat? Man she was pissed, never saw her again, friggin hottie too.

thump easy said:

okay i met this girl in arizona i was new bord didnt know anyone for months i was out thier so i pull up to a gas station n i pull up i was in line n i look down MAN something about pritty feet man lil pritty toes ow man got me so i follow her legs up to her face ow my god she was butifull i walk out of the store n she is behind me so i c her get into a newmexico plated car i wave her down and ask her if she knew her way around this place she sead NO i tell her im from california n i didnt either.... so tell her give me your number n we could go out sometime n explore the city together she sead NOPE... hahah i laughed so i gave her mine i wrote it down i told her look if you decide to go out let me know it would be a pleasure to get to know u... about a month went by n i get a call i was like HELLO..... she sead hey its me i was like who i had forgoten i thought she was out of my league but nope she answerd me from the other day at the gas station i was like COOL hell ya i thought so we go out to dinner at the square in prescott we eat we walk n talk n have a great tym she tells me she is just hear visiting her dad ow man that sucks i realy dug her.... so we go back to my place n we got it on man it was fucken awsome anyway so i just thinking of her she call me i ended up flying out thier for a weekend in albaquree new mexico.. hahaha.... ill b right back...okay so i get off the plane she was butifull i remember it like yesterday she picks me up n she drives me to her moms house man they r realy cool people the mom n two sister leave we r alone man we end up kissing n i end up grabing a hand full of ass i take off my shirt she takes of hers i take of my pants she takes hers off i peel off my socks she does too i drop my boxers n throw the to the side as we are walking to her room kissing n all of this close just lead to the bedroom man i was hiting it dont stop it was good nice n wet i was like man this is the chik i want n i just looking at her facial expresions n im maken the bed squeek we both are loud about it n then.... KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK i was like how is that she tells me i dont know! its the mom mad as hell u fucken rabbits get the hell out hear n get those fucken underwear of my fucken table ow man my travel bag is in the fucken living room..... so i tell her go she like FUCK NO U GO!!! so i grab a towl n piced up all of it man i felt fucken wierd... hahahaha she was a great gal

Click to expand...

Mate seriously, i'm not trying to be a dick here but i seriously can't understand a lot of what your typing. I'm actually interested to read your stories, but your grammer, spelling, punctuation and formatting are terrible.. It's not difficult to type properly and it makes people look retarded when they type like that. Sorry if i'm being offensive, but please try and type better so i can read ya stories

69ing w/ petite hotass girlfriend on floor of my apt. (bout 30 yr.s ago) on my birthday. hear qik knock on door,it opens its my mother dropping off my birthday present!

My g'friend who lived with her parents at the time and I were doin' the nasty at my place. It was late, I took her home. On the way back my stomach was a little off. I went into the bathroom to pee. When I looked in the mirror my face was covered in dried blood. Yep, got my wings

Well .... I am not sure about it being Funny in ANY way .... But it is definitely is the fucking craziest incident with sex I ever experienced.

My lady and I spent a couple of years in the swinging thing. When we had only had a handfull of experiences with swinging, we met a couple through a referall. We did not know them, and they did not know us. We were vacationing in a different state when we made this connection. This couple had NEVER done the swinging thing, so this was their first experience. No matter how relaxed we were, or how much we tried to get this couple to relax, they were a mess of nerves. Looking back we probably should have called it off after the drinks and just visited LOL.
They decided they would be most comfortable if he and my girl went in one bedroom, and his wife and I went to another on the other side of their home. His wife and I did our thing, and she just went ballistic with some of the loudest sex sounds I have EVER heard ! We finsihed up and rinsed off in the shower, and were just coming out of the bedroom with our clothes under our arms, when my girl and he walks out of the other bedroom naked as well. I had to do a double take when I saw this man was hung like a damned Flea ! I mean waaaay micro penis. My girl had a strained look on her face, and I automatically knew I would hear how unhappy she was later.
But things got really strange when this guy saw me .... Without getting off on THIS subject, let's just say I make most horses look bad LOL. This guy stops in his tracks, and his face turns beet fucking red ! He tries to say something as we are making small talk, but he can not seem to speak .... He turns and leaves the room real fast, and my girl and I were wondering what the hell ? When he suddenly returns with a damned shotgun pointed right at me !!!!!!! He starts screaming he is going to blow me away, and calling me a big dicked monster and shit like that .... Saying I should have never screwed is wife without first saying I was an abnormal fucking ape ( his words ) .... He keeps screaming he is going to kill us ALL as I start shoving my girl towards the front door .... His wife is screaming for him to please put the gun down, and telling him that he needs to relax and shit, and she is crying and everyone is sreaming ..... FUCKING REAL, REAL bad situation !!!!!!! I just knew I was about to die right there in his living room ... My girl finally backs against the door and I turn and jerk the door open and both of us run outside as fast as we can BUTT NAKED without even any shoes !!!! We race to our car and and I jump in and realize my keys are inside in my pants I had dropped !!!!! His wife is trying to wrestle the gun away from him in their doorway, and I remember the key under the back bumper and race outside the car to get it .... I have HELL trying to find the hidden key box, and just as I find it and am getting back in the driver's door the gun goes off !!!!! No-one fell so I guess it went off up in the air while they were wrestling with it. I got the car started and left literally across his front yard, not even taking the time to back out of his driveway ... I swerved onto the street and back to our Hotel .....

We were shaking and she was crying and delerious .... and we were naked ! I had to drive up to the concierge with both of us naked ... I just told him we were robbed, and needed sheets to wrap around us. He raced in to the hotel, and back out with sheets ... then took us to a service entrance where we would not have to walk through the lobby. We got to our rooms and just went to pieces.

My wallet, keys, clothes, jewelery, ets was ALL at these people's house !!!!! My girl's purse, jewelery, etc was also all there ! We woke to a phone call the next morning in our room, and the front desk said there was a lady at the front desk to see us. We told them to send her up, and it was the man's wife with all of our belongings. She had tracked us by our room key in my pants pocket. She apologized profusely over and over and said how shocked and horrified she was about everything. We accepted her apology, and then she dropped the unexpected bombshell .... She then said " Well, while I am here I wanted to say how much I loved your big cock, and do you two want to have a threesome right now " ??????????????? I am like " Lady !!!!! Get the fuck out of here and NEVER contact us again " !!!!!! LOL

It took us years to fully get over that, and my girl even went to counseling for the trauma ! We still have an open relationship .... but will NEVER fucking swing again !!!!!!

Full Circle said:

Well .... I am not sure about it being Funny in ANY way .... But it is definitely is the fucking craziest incident with sex I ever experienced.

My lady and I spent a couple of years in the swinging thing. When we had only had a handfull of experiences with swinging, we met a couple through a referall. We did not know them, and they did not know us. We were vacationing in a different state when we made this connection. This couple had NEVER done the swinging thing, so this was their first experience. No matter how relaxed we were, or how much we tried to get this couple to relax, they were a mess of nerves. Looking back we probably should have called it off after the drinks and just visited LOL.
They decided they would be most comfortable if he and my girl went in one bedroom, and his wife and I went to another on the other side of their home. His wife and I did our thing, and she just went ballistic with some of the loudest sex sounds I have EVER heard ! We finsihed up and rinsed off in the shower, and were just coming out of the bedroom with our clothes under our arms, when my girl and he walks out of the other bedroom naked as well. I had to do a double take when I saw this man was hung like a damned Flea ! I mean waaaay micro penis. My girl had a strained look on her face, and I automatically knew I would hear how unhappy she was later.
But things got really strange when this guy saw me .... Without getting off on THIS subject, let's just say I make most horses look bad LOL. This guy stops in his tracks, and his face turns beet fucking red ! He tries to say something as we are making small talk, but he can not seem to speak .... He turns and leaves the room real fast, and my girl and I were wondering what the hell ? When he suddenly returns with a damned shotgun pointed right at me !!!!!!! He starts screaming he is going to blow me away, and calling me a big dicked monster and shit like that .... Saying I should have never screwed is wife without first saying I was an abnormal fucking ape ( his words ) .... He keeps screaming he is going to kill us ALL as I start shoving my girl towards the front door .... His wife is screaming for him to please put the gun down, and telling him that he needs to relax and shit, and she is crying and everyone is sreaming ..... FUCKING REAL, REAL bad situation !!!!!!! I just knew I was about to die right there in his living room ... My girl finally backs against the door and I turn and jerk the door open and both of us run outside as fast as we can BUTT NAKED without even any shoes !!!! We race to our car and and I jump in and realize my keys are inside in my pants I had dropped !!!!! His wife is trying to wrestle the gun away from him in their doorway, and I remember the key under the back bumper and race outside the car to get it .... I have HELL trying to find the hidden key box, and just as I find it and am getting back in the driver's door the gun goes off !!!!! No-one fell so I guess it went off up in the air while they were wrestling with it. I got the car started and left literally across his front yard, not even taking the time to back out of his driveway ... I swerved onto the street and back to our Hotel .....

We were shaking and she was crying and delerious .... and we were naked ! I had to drive up to the concierge with both of us naked ... I just told him we were robbed, and needed sheets to wrap around us. He raced in to the hotel, and back out with sheets ... then took us to a service entrance where we would not have to walk through the lobby. We got to our rooms and just went to pieces.

My wallet, keys, clothes, jewelery, ets was ALL at these people's house !!!!! My girl's purse, jewelery, etc was also all there ! We woke to a phone call the next morning in our room, and the front desk said there was a lady at the front desk to see us. We told them to send her up, and it was the man's wife with all of our belongings. She had tracked us by our room key in my pants pocket. She apologized profusely over and over and said how shocked and horrified she was about everything. We accepted her apology, and then she dropped the unexpected bombshell .... She then said " Well, while I am here I wanted to say how much I loved your big cock, and do you two want to have a threesome right now " ??????????????? I am like " Lady !!!!! Get the fuck out of here and NEVER contact us again " !!!!!! LOL

It took us years to fully get over that, and my girl even went to counseling for the trauma ! We still have an open relationship .... but will NEVER fucking swing again !!!!!!

Click to expand...

WOW dude, now that's a fucked up story but thank u for sharing

^whoa that sounds llike a penthouse forums letter.

I don't get it, what a weirdo. You definately have to be comfortable with your sexuality and with your partner to do that kind of thing. It isn't for the jealous, weak or smalll penises LOL. It's really a shame that you couldn't just look back on the situation and learn and that it had to effect your lifestyle. That kind of open relationship will never happen for me, while I'm awake at least.

Pipe Dream said:

^whoa that sounds llike a penthouse forums letter.

I don't get it, what a weirdo. You definately have to be comfortable with your sexuality and with your partner to do that kind of thing. It isn't for the jealous, weak or smalll penises LOL. It's really a shame that you couldn't just look back on the situation and learn and that it had to effect your lifestyle. That kind of open relationship will never happen for me, while I'm awake at least.

Click to expand...

Ya know ... as strange as this may sound ... I truly never even had dreamed something like that could EVER fucking happen !!!!! I was at a true loss about why he would be so angry ! This guy was so small, he should have known thet virtually ANY man was going to give his wife more than he was going to .... and I understand I was at the very furthest end of that spectrum, but why in hell would he have ever decided to swing in the first place if he knew something like that could happen ? I never did figure that out, and guess i never will.

april said:

WOW dude, now that's a fucked up story but thank u for sharing

Click to expand...

LOL ... Well, like I said from the beginning .... It is certainly not a "funny" sex story ! I think you put it very well though April " a fucked up story"

I was 15 tearing some shit up from the back and this bitch had the AUDACITY to fart. I was like really? Really?

some ppl say its funny that I have had sex. does that count?

Why are you fugly or something?