Roll it up, may i ask for some advice? its long, im sorry...but what do i do?

this will be long, im sorry. i just need some advice on a situation within my social circle. i call them all "my stoner family" lol.

well, one of my friends is gay. we'll call him bob. he's really openly gay and we love him to death he is pretty much completely in love with one of our friends, who we'll call fred...who is straight. and currently has a girlfriend (who he complains about, but anyway..) bob has liked fred for a long time. for as long as i've known fred, and thats over a year now. fred has been turning down bob's advances for a while.

bob has recently "upped the ante" with his advances and his efforts. there are a few reasons for this, but the main reason is that he fully believes that fred is actually gay and into him, just that he's maybe scared or in denial, etc. the problem is that apparently bob had a conversation with a third party, a mutual friend of both bob and fred, and i guess bob had this other person agreeing that "freds sexuality has been in question" and that bob either needs to get fred to like him, or let it go and move on. so now bob has increased his efforts at getting fred to like him. it also doesnt help that fred is having problems with his girlfriend, so bob is seeing this as a good time to "strike"...and of course bob has it in his head that fred is only dating the girl "for show" so that people dont think he's gay...bob seems to be misinterpreting the complaining of the girlfriend...its like he doesnt take into consideration that fred doesnt like *this girl* he sees it as fred doesnt like *girls* in general...

fred, as far as i know, because i have spoken to him extensively about this whole issue, is a 100% straight man. he's got a good close friendship with a gay man. they're close, and because bob is fairly flamboyant, bubbly, emotional etc. he's a very affectionate person. he's constantly being affectionate with the people around him and so fred is just responding to that with friendly affections because he understands that bob is very sensitive and emotional, etc so he cant just treat him like any other guy friend, he does treat bob more like a female friend or a family member i think than "one of the boys". bob interprets the "friendship affections" as interest. even after being turned down many times.

now im stuck in the middle. im close to both of them. i've been talking to fred a lot about this recently, basically because im there and i see it all, and having been through therapy and stuff, so i have certain skills and ideas now for handling interpersonal situations. i've been trying to help him find ways of communicating to bob that he's not interested in him "that way" by recommending that he create really clear boundaries that cant be misinterpreted, and being committed and consistent in those boundaries..etc.

i also feel really uncomfortable when bob hits on fred when im around. or when theres a lot of people around. i feel uncomfortable, because i know that its making fred feel uncomfortable, but i dont want to jump in and say anything because i dont really feel like its my place to do that...i dont want to jump in and offer unsolicited help and then screw things up by pissing people off. but at the same time...i feel like i want to help my friend by defending him and saying that he's not gay and to just get over this...bob and i have also talked extensively about this, and i've tried to tell him to move on, and i've tried to think of ways to help him let go of this, but its like he either just doesnt hear it, or just doesnt care.

the things that he says make me uncomfortable...really. like the other day bob bought condoms at the drugstore when the 3 of us were walking to his place to hang out. then when we were sitting in the living room, bob was looking at all his condoms (because it was the kind where theres a different picture on each wrapper) and he looks at fred and just says casually "you wanna have sex?" and fred said no, so bob kept saying other things like "i bought condoms" and stuff, and fred was just like "thats cool. i dont want to have sex" and i dont know what bob is thinking when he does these things. i mean...he should know by now that fred's straight, but on top of that he's asking with other people there, and its making me feel awkward to be there for such an uncomfortable exchange between the 2 of them. and he did something similar the other night in front of another group of friends...he's also been really hard to deal with when around fred, because he's constantly short tempered with him..im assuming out of frustration because fred isnt responding to his advances the way he wants...but he also seems to be really jealous sometimes of the communications that fred has with his other friends...when fred is paying more attention to someone other than bob. i've been on the receiving end of bobs harsh tone and attitude several times lately...and i really dont like it too much.

i just want to know how other people would suggest i handle this. im trying to help fred as much as i can because he's feeling really uncomfortable and awkward and this is starting to make him really angry. im worried that one of these days bob is going to take it just a little too far and fred is going to become violent, also out of frustration. that almost happened the other night, but thankfully fred chose to leave. i dont know how bob cant see that the things he's doing are making fred uncomfortable...but it does lead me to believe that he's kinda selfish in his efforts. because i think that if he truly cared for fred, he wouldnt want fred to feel uncomfortable or awkward or angry toward him. so i just dont know what i should do......its really starting to weigh on my shoulders and bob is REALLY trying my patience lately. i dont know what i should say to him...he's VERY VERY sensitive so anything i say or do has to be really delicately handled. what would you all say or do? im sorry that this is so long...but its a problem thats been building and building for a few weeks now...thank you for taking the time to read it all...i really appreciate it

Tell bob and fred to go talk it out. tell fred bob is gay for him and be like "go talk about how fred isn't gay so bob should chill out" honestly its up to fred to tell bob he isnt into him and make it 150% serious.

so bob is gay and fred is not. bob keeps tryin to get fred to switch sides. and it seems fred, along with others, is gettin irritated with it. sounds like bob should start lookin elsewhere. it could end on a bad note if he keeps it up. i dunno what you could say or do. maybe tell him if he keeps it up he could lose a few friends over it. maybe try bringing other gay dudes around.

Youve given me some advice before so here's mine.. Please dont take this the wrong way..

Sounds to me like honestly this "fred" just needs to kick this "bob" fellow straight in the nuts! Just one foul swoop and BAMN! Im not a violent person at all but im sure at last resort that would send the message pretty loud and clear..

damn thats sendin more then a message, thats sendin the whole truck.

thank you both for your replies

AZKILLER, i think you're absolutely right. that the 2 of them should sit down and really talk it out...fred has said on numerous occasions that he's not gay, and he's always making comments about women and stuff...bob just chooses to ignore it i think, unfortunately. but it would be good for the 2 of them to really sit down and talk it all out...i will suggest that, thank you

blazin256, you're also very correct. i am worried that this is going to start screwing with friendships. i've talked with another one of the girls in the group and she thinks the same thing as me...that he's not gonna switch teams and bob needs to move on. i think i may sometime soon just plant the seed in his head that he may start to lose friends from this......he cant be by himself without losing his mind, so that might just be the motivation he needs to stop. thank you

lol you could also plan an intervention cause bob seems addicted

Michael Phelps said:

Youve given me some advice before so here's mine.. Please dont take this the wrong way..

Sounds to me like honestly this "fred" just needs to kick this "bob" fellow straight in the nuts! Just one foul swoop and BAMN! Im not a violent person at all but im sure at last resort that would send the message pretty loud and clear..

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thats exactly what i said to fred. that he *should* have hit him the other night (bob made a really inappropriate advance later when they were hanging out alone) because i honestly think that until fred gets really aggressive, bob is going to continue to assume fred is just in denial or just scared. but i think some people can only receive a message in the form of a fist to their face.

blazin256 said:

lol you could also plan an intervention cause bob seems addicted

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i have suggested that actually...to get a bunch of bob's close friends together to let him know that we're worried about him because this is really becoming an unhealthy obsession...its just that fred is not the type of person to willingly enter into conflict. he's a fairly passive person, he doesnt like arguments and drama. so i think he's avoiding dealing with it because of potential reactions...

Fred and Bob need to work it out themselves. If Fred is uncomfortable because of Bobs hints and advances then he should tell Bob (in private) that he is not interested and set things straight between them (no pun intended there.) Fred should have done this in the first place instead of coming to you. People have to work these kind of things out for themselves and even though you are their friends and feel an obligation to rectify the situation you will get pulled into the shit throwing if/when things go awry.

My advice, next time Fred wants to talk about it with you tell him to go talk to Bob because you are not a miracle worker and can't fix the situation for him, but he can himself.

jwn said:

Fred and Bob need to work it out themselves. If Fred is uncomfortable because of Bobs hints and advances then he should tell Bob (in private) that he is not interested and set things straight between them (no pun intended there.) Fred should have done this in the first place instead of coming to you. People have to work these kind of things out for themselves and even though you are their friends and feel an obligation to rectify the situation you will get pulled into the shit throwing if/when things go awry.

My advice, next time Fred wants to talk about it with you tell him to go talk to Bob because you are not a miracle worker and can't fix the situation for him, but he can himself.

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thank you

that is also very true. you're right...i shouldn't have to be the one to run in and fix it, fred should be sitting bob down for a chat to sort it all out. i'll tell him that tomorrow. hopefully he finds a way to use the advice