Right in the funny bone

My goal is to have a humerus thread about jokes. Story jokes, funny sayings or one liners. No copy and paste, pictures, gifs or memes. So this guy's speeding and goes by an overpass, next thing he knows a cop is pulling him over. Cop walks up to the car and asked "why are you in such a hurry". The man replies "well I'm late for work". The cop asks "what do you do for a living"? The man says "I'm a rectum stretcher". The cop says" rectum stretcher, how the hell does that work"? The man replies "well first you start with one finger on one hand and work in another finger on the other hand and pull it apart until you stretch it out to about 6 feet". Cop says "what? What do you do with a six foot asshole"? The man replies "you give him a radar gun and park him under the overpass".

Dr.Pecker said:

My goal is to have a humerus thread about jokes. Story jokes, funny sayings or one liners. No copy and paste, pictures, gifs or memes. So this guy's speeding and goes by an overpass, next thing he knows a cop is pulling him over. Cop walks up to the car and asked "why are you in such a hurry". The man replies "well I'm late for work". The cop asks "what do you do for a living"? The man says "I'm a rectum stretcher". The cop says" rectum stretcher, how the hell does that work"? The man replies "well first you start with one finger on one hand and work in another finger on the other hand and pull it apart until you stretch it out to about 6 feet". Cop says "what? What do you do with a six foot asshole"? The man replies "you give him a radar gun and park him under the overpass".

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You don't make the rules of comedy

curious2garden said:

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I was laughing so hard I could barely hit the "reply" button.

Not super funny but it's a pic of a small part of my garden about 6 years ago. Growcheese is a *former* member.

potpimp said:

View attachment 3697510 Not super funny but it's a pic of a small part of my garden about 6 years ago. Growcheese is a *former* member.

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That belongs in Cannabineer's beautiful thread! Nicely done.

I'll post it if somebody will give me a link.

potpimp said:

I'll post it if somebody will give me a link.

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here ya go

https://www.rollitup.org/t/beautiful.576250/

There was an Army guy and a navy guy in a bathroom taking a piss. The Army guy starts to walk out, the navy guy turns and says "In the navy they teach us to wash our hands after pissing" and the Army guy says "In the Army they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

Drowning-Man said:

There was an Army guy and a navy guy in a bathroom taking a piss. The Army guy starts to walk out, the navy guy turns and says "In the navy they teach us to wash our hands after pissing" and the Army guy says "In the Army they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

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The Navy doesn't call it a bathroom; it's the "recreation room".

Drowning-Man said:

There was an Army guy and a navy guy in a bathroom taking a piss. The Army guy starts to walk out, the navy guy turns and says "In the navy they teach us to wash our hands after pissing" and the Army guy says "In the Army they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

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Look somebody can read the first post and has a sense of humor. You're one in a million buddy.

Dr.Pecker said:

Look somebody can read the first post and has a sense of humor. You're one in a million buddy.

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Lol thanks. Everybody kinda said fuck you from the get go didn't they?

Drowning-Man said:

Lol thanks. Everybody kinda said fuck you from the get go didn't they?

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Pretty much, a few individuals with inflated egos hate me because I can put two sentences together. They're just white knight try hard's thinking I'm going to mislead the masses so they feel the need to save the day. They try to fuck up every thread I post in toke and talk. Is it time for a gay joke?

I don't know you. I think this is our first meeting nice to meet you why do they think you'll mislead the masses?

Are Dead baby jokes allowed?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for and the bartender reply's "if you can make my horse laugh, you win the money!" The guy puts some money in the jar, goes out back, and makes the horse laugh hard! He collects his winnings and leaves.

A few weeks later, he returns to see another jar of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for and the bartender reply's "if you can make my horse cry, it's yours!" The guy puts some money in the jar, goes out back and makes the horse cry. He returns to collect the money and the bartender asks "how did you make my horse laugh and cry?" The guy says, "he laughed when I told him my dick was bigger than his, he cried when I showed him!"

Drowning-Man said:

Are Dead baby jokes allowed?

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what ever you want.
Viewer discretion is advised.

WATS Red and white and goes 75 miles per hour? Dead baby in a blender.
Wats black and smokes in a corner? Dead baby chewing on an extension cord.

Three elephants sitting side by side. The first elephant says, "if you could have one wish what would it be"? One elephant says "I wish I had giant flappy ears so I can cool myself off on a hot summer day". The next elephant says " I wish I had a really long fat trunk so I could take a drink of water without having to sit down". The third elephant says "I wish I had really long curly eyelashes".