I would like to share something that one of my very good friends wrote to me, i found it intoxicating.
You remind me of a younger version of myself, Zaehet. In my case, I faced what I called "the void" in my mid-teens.
My mind was a strange place even then, which was probably not such a good thing for someone as young as I was. As I've discovered in my wanderings, things do not always proceed as they ought to or need to, and even when they seem to transpire as they "should," the ripples left in its wake whispers that what took place was meaningless and hollow. There is existence, there is the locus of who you think you think you are...and then there is something else entirely. I wasn't interested in whom I thought that I thought I was: I wanted to experience that "something else." I spent what time I could steal away from the vampires of society pondering what this ephemeral "something" was that seemed to lurk just beneath the fragile membrane of existence. Yes, existence and the perception of it seemed to be nothing more than a fragile membrane to me, a trick of the lens, and a sliver of silvery dew sliding swiftly across the dark expanse of the "something" that was vast beyond comprehension. I knew it was there, for my thoughts always led me close to it. I wanted to see it.
It was the "ultimate truth" I longed to find, for I had discovered that essentially everything I knew up to that point was a lie. There was no such thing as an “absolute.” Nothing stood upon its own. People lied as soon as they opened their mouths to speak; and I realized that I, too, lied as soon as I started to think or speak. My perception of self was a lie, for it didn’t match what others reflected…and then I wondered “Does anyone really know anyone else, when we don’t even know ourselves? Are we interacting with them, or are we simply living out a dream, complete with simulacra of people we think we know? Am I even awake, or have I been sleeping?” When I stopped believing, I reached the point when I finally saw what was there all along: a void of oblivion where there is no time, thought, or light…there was nothing at all.
I understood that I had reached the “end” of myself, and I was seeing beyond to what no one ever wants to see: a terrifying black hole, a singularity horizon that yawned impossibly wide, drawing everything to itself with an inevitability that simply could not be denied. It was somewhat intoxicating, really, to realize that nothingness was all there really is…that everything of meaning was only a brief of glimmer in the darkness of the void. I couldn’t deny it, and so I allowed myself to get lost within for a time.
At some point, Zaehet, anger stirred me into action. I started to experience rage at the senselessness of it all: it *had* to make sense! Something had to make sense…so what was it? I would like to tell you that – aha! – I finally discovered sense in that void, but the truth of the matter is that there really is no truth at all. If you think you know, then all you have done is think that you think you know…a veritable screaming madhouse of un-sanity staring back at you, laughing while you convince yourself that whatever it is that you fancy is the “truth.”
What’s the point, then? Why was I even at this place, thinking about things that no one else in their right mind would entertain? I find myself here, somehow emerging from the nothing to realize that absolutely nothing awaits, lurking just behind what I think and dream. Reality isn’t as real as I thought it was – just an expertly crafted lie. That was when my eyes started to open to everything that I had been missing: words that people spoke that I either never heard or misunderstood; reflections in mirrors I chose to ignore in my ignorance; chances I passed up and opportunities that had been drawn into the void. The only “truth” would be that which I created, or gleaned from the words I had missed and the chances I had allowed to be devoured by the void. I could choose to just be and accept that I was, or in my frustration, I could seek to join that black hole.
Obviously, I chose the former. So, when I say “all that matters is now,” Zaehet, I mean just that. We live right now. What was before, and what we think lies ahead, are both subject to the warping lens of the words we never hear and possibilities that never were. It’s all a strange dream in the twilight just beyond the deeps of the void. We can enjoy it…we can despise it…we can let it go, or we can fight tooth and nail to hang on to it. Is there a point to it? I don’t really know…there’s only now.
Your friend,
John
