Lets Hear Some JOKES!

DoctorGregHouse

DoctorGregHouse

Member
420neverforget said:
Why can't you fool an aborted baby?


Because it wasn't born yesterday.
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Whoa, you look familiar :D You quit on GC too?

Oh, yeah, joke time.

So a guy walks into a bar and sits down at a stool. The bartender walks up to him and asks, "What can I get for ya tonight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, loudly proclaims, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob tonight. I'll take 3 shots of your finest whisky!" The bartender pours him his shots, and he takes them down one after another.

After a few celebratory high-fives from the other patrons, one of them offers to buy him another drink.

The guy says to him, "No thanks, if 3 shots doesn't kill the taste, nothing will."
 
DoctorGregHouse

DoctorGregHouse

Member
420neverforget said:
Yeah, well got banned for "threats". YODA just has a stick up his ass, though.
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Yeah, I'd had it with that whole scene. I used to be quite the racist dragon, if you catch my drift.

Here's a joke I'm sure we've all heard, but I really come apart hearing Gilbert Gottfried tell it. Start at 1:35 if you don't wanna hear a bunch of exposition.

[video=youtube;tw10xa_xtNg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg[/video]
 
mindphuk

mindphuk

Well-Known Member
I still like the Bob Saget version

[video=youtube;0HW4mPZmKPM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HW4mPZmKPM[/video]

"it looks like spin art"
 
J

johndolly420

Active Member
If anyone ever calls you racist after you tell them a black joke, there's a couple things you can say:

1. I'm not racist, I got 4 black tires
2. I'm not racist, I got a colored tv
3. I'm not racist, I got black people in my family tree, I hung them there last night
 
hasch tomte

hasch tomte

New Member
I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?"
He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!"
"That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?"
"He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!"
"That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
"Son, today just isn't your day."
 
ASMALLVOICE

ASMALLVOICE

Well-Known Member
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Peace

Asmallvoice
 
B

bigseandd

Well-Known Member
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"


"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window and took my teeth with her!"
 
C

Carver1

Member
Tech Joke-
All Samsung Officials Are Withdrawing Their Children From School,
As The First Thing
Children Are Being Taught Is ___
.
.
.
?A for Apple?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a man is allowed to select a girl
from 90 girls
and
Even if most beautiful is picked,
There's still the pain of losing
the remaining EIGHTY NINE....
 
Y0da

Y0da

Well-Known Member
NOWitall said:
ok here you go, did i mention ive got a fuckxed up sense of humor??

so theres this 10 year old boy walkin down the street, lookin really pissed
in one had he has a hundred dollar bill, in the other hand hes dragging a dead frog by a string.
he walks through town till he gets to the town whorehouse.
he walks in slaps the hundred down and says to the madam,
"I want a hooker with herpes"
the madam thinks she missherd.
but the boy slaps that hundred down again and says i want a hooker with herpes goddamnit.
madam says, second door on the left.
so the boy goes down the hall, lookin all pissed off, dragin a dead frog on a string.
so after awhile the boy comes out, still lookin pissed, and goes to leave.
but the madam has to ask, "little boy, you come in here looking pissed off, draggin a dead frog by a string, and asking for a hooker with herpes"
whats up??
so the boy says
well, when i get home im gonna fuck my babysitter, and when my dad gets home HES gonna fuck the babysitter, and when my mom gets home shes gonna fuck my dad, and when my dad leaves for work tomarow my mom is gonna fuck the mailman."
"and thats the mutherfucker that killed my frog"

ehhh whatcha think. ok here another fucked up one.

this 12 year old boy wakes up and hears a commotion coming from his parents room.
when he goes to see what it is, theres his dad, with his mom bent over just bangin away at her.
just as the father is about to finish he looks over and sees his son standing there.
not knowing what to do he just smiles and gives his son a big thumbs up.
so the boy runs back to his room.
after awhile the dad starts thinking he should explain things to his son.
so he goes to his room, but cant find him. checks all over the house, but cant find hide nor hair.
after awhile the father hears this commotion coming from gramas room.
the father opens the door, and theres the son, and hes got his grandma bent over, just goin to town on her.
the father freaks out and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING"
and the kid goes
"Not so funny when its your mom is is mutherfucker"
Click to expand...
Two of my favourites, supercool!
 
Bakatare666

Bakatare666

Well-Known Member
A Koala was sitting in a Gum tree, smoking a joint when
a little lizard walked past, looked up and said 'Hey, Koala!
What are you doing?'
The Koala said 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the lizard climbs the tree, and sat next to the Koala
and enjoyed a couple joints.
After a little while, the lizard said that his mouth was dry,
and he was going to the river to get a drink.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far,
and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard
and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been
sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint,
but got too stoned and fell into the river while
taking a drink...
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest,
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'
 
2paranoid

2paranoid

Well-Known Member
alright so I so heres a quick goofy laugh for ya...

Theres this duck, and he is walkin around, decides he wants to get something to eat. So he goes into the store and he asks the woman behind the counter, "Hey, you got any grapes?". Lady says no, duck decides to leave the store. Next day he goes back to the same store, asks the same woman the same question, the cashier says no and the duck leaves. Next day, same thing happened, as is the case with the next day, and the day after....

Until one day the woman decides she has enough. "If you come back here, one more damn time I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor!"


Duck leaves the store.


Next day he comes back, "Hey ya got any nails?"

Woman says no.

"Good, got any grapes?!"
 
eyeballsaul

eyeballsaul

Well-Known Member
What do you call 2 Muslim terrorists in a car driving off a cliff ?
A waste you can fit another 3 in the back haha.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a trampoline ?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying in the middle of the road and a dead muslim terrorist lying in the middle of the road?
The dead dog has tyre skid marks leading up to it.

Originally they weren't terrorists but pakis but I didn't want to offend haha.
 
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