Lets Hear Some JOKES!

why do women fake orgasms?
who cares.....................

Little Johnny:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy who had his hand up. "'Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good”, said the teacher!


Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed;
Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004."

Two hobo's were walking down a railroad track. The first looked at the other and said, "ya know, I'm the luckiest man in Tue world.". The other said,"how do ya figure that?".
He said,"The other day I was walking down this here railroad tracks, and found a fifty dollar bill!".
"you are pretty lucky"! "But I'm the luckiest man in the world".
"How do ya figure that"?
"Well, two weeks ago I was walking these here tracks, and found me a naked woman tied up"!

"Wow! What did you do"?
"Well I untied her of course! And we went up in the woods and fucked for three days!!"
"Wow you are the luckiest man in the world. You got to tell me... Did ya get any head"?

"Uhm... Well... I... I couldn't find the head..._"
:-0

The teacher said, "Ok class, today we are going to learn how to use the word lovely in a sentence. Who can use the word lovely in a sentence? Any volunteers?"
Hands sprung up all over the class.
"Little Mary" the teacher said, " Can you use the word lovely correctly in. Sentence"?
"It's a lovely day", Mary replied.
"Oh very good Little Mary, that was too easy I think. Who can use the word lovely correctly twice in a sentence"?
A hush falls over the classroom.
Suddenly, in the back of the class Little Johnny's hand flies in the air.
"Oh! Oh! Teacher pick me! I can use the word lovely correctly twice in a sentence! I can!!"
The teacher said, "Ok Little Johnny. Give us a sentence using the word lovely correctly, twice".

"Well, my sister came home last night and told my parents she was pregnant, and didn't know who the daddy was".
The teacher was stunned. "Little Johnny! What does that have to do with the lesson topic today?"!!

"Well... Then my Dad says, 'Lovely, just fucking lovely!!"

Here's one you can tell the little ones!!
Suzy isin bed one night and yells out to mom "Could you bring me a glass of water mom?"
Mom replies "Go to sleep Suzy or I'm coming in there and spank you!"
5 minutes later Suzy yells to mom again "Could you PLEASE bring me a glass of water mom?"
Again mom replies "Go to sleep Suzy or I'm coming in there and spank you!"
5 minutes later Suzy yells "Mom, when you come in here to spank me, could you bring me a glass of water?"

Man walks into the bedrooom with a sheep under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been fucking" His wife laying in the bed says "Thats not a pig" The man says "Shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep"

A farmer went to a hardware store and bought a chainsaw that was advertised.
He asked the salesperson: “You say this can cut down 25 trees per day?”
“Yes, sir! That is our guarantee.” “What if it don’t do it?”
“Just bring it back within 14 days. We will refund all your money, no questions asked.”
After only one week, the farmer was back, angry. “I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”
“What’s the matter, sir?” “It don’t do as you say. On fust day, it cut 7 trees.
On second, it cut 9 trees. On the nex’ day it cut 11 trees, nex’ day 12 trees, nex’
day 15 trees, nex’ day only 9.
Then was Sunday, I gone to Church. Not once did it cut 25 trees.”
So the salesperson fills out the necessary forms for the refund. “Just making sure it works,”
said the salesman as he started the motor.
As the chain saw made a loud VROOOOOOOOOM, the farmer got scared and asked; “What was that noise?”

Sorry everybody for the link, but I can't figure out how to get the video here.

http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."


The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.


Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.


"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.


"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.


"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."


"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.


"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."


"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."


"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."


"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."


"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

So Little Red Riding Hood was skipping merrily through the forest, on her way to Grandma's house.


So she's skipping along and skipping along until she sees Deer.
Deer stops her and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't go to your Grandma's house!
The big bad wolf's there and he's going to pull down your shirt and suck on your titties!"


Little Red brings out her picnic basket, pulls back the cloth and shows Deer her handgun and says,
"No he won't!" Then continues skipping merrily on her way.


So she's skipping along and skipping along until she sees Fox. Fox stops her and says,
"Little Red Riding Hood, don't go to your Grandma's house!
The big bad wolf's there and he's going to pull down your shirt and suck on your titties!"


Little Red brings out her picnic basket, pulls back the cloth and shows Fox her handgun and says,
"No he won't!" Again she continues skipping merrily on her way.


So she's skipping along and skipping along until she sees Bear. Bear stops her and says,
"Little Red Riding Hood, don't go to your Grandma's house! The big bad wolf's there and he's going to pull down your shirt and suck on your titties!"


Little Red brings out her picnic basket, pulls back the cloth and shows Bear her handgun and says,
"No he won't!" Again she continues skipping merrily on her way.


Shortly Little Red Riding Hood comes to her Grandma's house. She skips up to the door and knocks.
The Big Bad Wolf answers and says,
"Little Red Riding Hood! I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I'm going to pull down your shirt
and suck on your titties!"

truck driver picks up a hitchhiking preacher to be a good samaritan. He is going down the road and sees a black man hitchhiking. forgetting for a second he was with the preacher he starts to veer toward the black man. at the last second he pulls away and misses him but you hear a thud. He looks at the preacher and the preacher says, "don't worry, i got him with the door"

Wow...... but hey!!!! reality is brutal bro!

now go smoke a reefer laced w opium n chilllllllllllllllllllllll

what do you call a clairvoyant dwarf, that escapes from prison?
a small medium at large

So theres 3 guys in the jungle.
They get captured by a tribe that practices cannibalism.
They are told to go gather 10 fruits each.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples, the tribe chief tells hims " Now put them up your ass " - he can only fit 1 and they kill him
The second guy comes back with 10 grapes, again the chief tells him " Now put them up your ass " - he gets 9 in and then bursts with laughter - so they kill him

In heaven the first guy asks the second guy: " Why did you laugh you were almost done you could have lived "
The second guys replies " I saw the third guy coming with 10 durians "


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durian - incase you dont know what a durian is

How do you get a Witch pregnant ?? You Fuck Her.

i just heard these a while ago

what does a priest get when he wants pussy... NUN!

what do a pizzaboy and a gynecologist have in common... they can smell it but can't eat it

a couple lies in bed, the husband leans over and asks his wife " hey baby you wanna fuck" she says "no i have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, the husband leans back over and asks "do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

whats the difference between acne and a priest, acne doesnt come on your face until your 12.

what does 69 mean in chinese? Two can chew...whats the square root of 69? 8 something