Jokes for laughs
- Thread starter nongreenthumb
- Start date
th3bigbad
Well-Known Member
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
videoman40
Well-Known Member
Make Up $60
Tattoo $500
Boob Job $10,000
Forgetting To Tuck Your Nuts........ Priceless
Tattoo $500
Boob Job $10,000
Forgetting To Tuck Your Nuts........ Priceless
nongreenthumb
Well-Known Member
Is this a common problem for you then vid lol 
videoman40
Well-Known Member
what....you dont like my balls?
hey, I got big balls
hey, I got big balls
nongreenthumb
Well-Known Member
i know i saw them hanging out your crack
dew-b
Well-Known Member
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
dew-b
Well-Known Member
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.
Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.
Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.
Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.
Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.
Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship
Product will be hot after heating.
Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.
Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado
Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.
Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.
Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.
Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.
Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.
13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.
Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.
A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship
dew-b
Well-Known Member
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles
nongreenthumb
Well-Known Member
mogie
vbmenu_register("postmenu_53080", true);
Senior Member
Mr. Ganja
permalink
How do you know that all Tickle Me Elmo dolls are male? They all get two test tickles at the manufacturing plant.
__________________
Philosopher of Universal Reality
Instructor of Core Simplicity
mogie did it fewer words for the same joke but thats ok
Senior Member
Mr. Ganja
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern oregon
Posts: 1,843
Gallery: 12
permalink
How do you know that all Tickle Me Elmo dolls are male? They all get two test tickles at the manufacturing plant.
__________________
Philosopher of Universal Reality
Instructor of Core Simplicity
mogie did it fewer words for the same joke but thats ok
IPokeSmot
Well-Known Member
Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks.
The first vampire asks for blood.
The second vampire asks for blood.
The third vampire asks for some hot water.
The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?"
"Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a used tampon, "I'm making tea."
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
The first vampire asks for blood.
The second vampire asks for blood.
The third vampire asks for some hot water.
The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?"
"Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a used tampon, "I'm making tea."
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
heymo85
Well-Known Member
haha nice..you eww'd your own joke.
MajoR_TokE
Well-Known Member
Wrong E-Mail Address
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel reservations. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday and his wife was going to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he left out one letter in her e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston, a woman had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister for many years and had been “called home to glory” following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: 18 March 2005
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and been checked in. I see everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope you journey is as uneventful as mine was!
PS- It sure is hot down here
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel reservations. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday and his wife was going to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he left out one letter in her e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston, a woman had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister for many years and had been “called home to glory” following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: 18 March 2005
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and been checked in. I see everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope you journey is as uneventful as mine was!
PS- It sure is hot down here
VictorVIcious
Well-Known Member
I'd still like to see that.
videoman40
Well-Known Member
Two aliens land near a service station in the desert. Seeing the gas pump they walk up and ask to be taken to his leader. Not getting an answer the first alien starts to get mad.......Hey I'm talking to you, The second alien says, you shouldn't talk to him that way.
I'll talk anyway I want and if he doesn't answer me I'm gonna shoot him. I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE HIM MAD SAYS #2 as he turns to run away.
Well I'll teach him says #1 pulling out his ray gun and shooting the pump. The explosion blows him into a clump of cactus.
As alien #2 helps him back to the ship he asks, how did you know? Well I've been around this universe a lot and one thing I've learned is when a guy can wrap his penis around his self twice and stick it in his ear don't fuck with him.
I'll talk anyway I want and if he doesn't answer me I'm gonna shoot him. I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE HIM MAD SAYS #2 as he turns to run away.
Well I'll teach him says #1 pulling out his ray gun and shooting the pump. The explosion blows him into a clump of cactus.
As alien #2 helps him back to the ship he asks, how did you know? Well I've been around this universe a lot and one thing I've learned is when a guy can wrap his penis around his self twice and stick it in his ear don't fuck with him.
LilLadySkunk
Active Member
Okay I'm Irish so I'm allowed to say this one;
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Okay I'm Irish so I'm allowed to say this one;
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
i love it! WHAM!!!! right at ya. short simple funny.