It is causing you a modicum of distress surely. Deep down you have doubt of your beliefs, you all do. This doubt is not some devil trying to turn you onto the path towards hell but your common sense just aching to burst forth. To live in semi-permanent doubt must surely be worse than RECOGNISING the TRUTH.
I do consider myself blessed, for I have blessed myself. I have the power to spread goodness, if I so will it. I likewise have the power to do the opposite. We all do. Is this not god? Our body is a temple, and a temple is the house of god... we are god, it is our brains... our brains that find death so difficult to deal with it will grasp at virtual straws rather than accept the TRUTH. Believe even a story written long after the arrival of modern man, a story that discounts much of the scientific evidence we have today as made-up (probably down to the devil) by atheists. You believe a story written by men, stories that were specially selected for the divinity content, while others were discarded for telling anything even halfway approaching the truth. Do you now not see your pain? The ache of the truth burning to fullfil your whole mind? I know you know the truth, and one day you will ACCEPT it.