passdabong
Well-Known Member
Alright everyone.
Throughout my life I've been taught that I need to conform, work hard, love my parents, follow the rules, get through school/college, and I'm on my own.
Well throughout my life I've been rebellious, not entirely, just simple things like acting up in class, smart-ass towards the teacher, etc.. small things.
I've been around the whole alcohol/drug scene since about 13, I'm currently 18. I never went to parties, dances, but I'm a funny kid, and people enjoy my company/ like me, so I always had the option to partake in it, and most of my friends I hang with do it, but I secretly disliked, and believed it was bad. I guess I knew I was scared of what it could do.
I recently decided to smoke with my friend for the first time about 4-5 weeks ago. It was great, I loved it. Did 2-5 times, and 2 weeks later I drop 2 hits of acid.
I consider myself intellegent, I over analyze the shit out of everything, and I'm a pretty sensitive person, and while acid was amazing fun socially, when I eventually went home I began to think about all of the bad problems I've had from money, relationships, family, doing drugs secretly, possiblity of fucking up of my life (this is what I've been taught) and things got progressively worse. I eventually feel asleep and woke up fine. I progressively became slightly depressed for about a week or two, but continued to smoke, and things eventually became 'normal' after abut 2 1/2 weeks.
But.. recently everytime I smoke I feel guilty, as if I truly am fucking up my life, and I have a lot of people in my life that are intellegent (conformist) and would tear me apart if they found out. But... I love it, with the exception of a few things I've been able to keep up with my daily life at a very prestigious, difficult private school. I just feel like I've learned many pessimistic view points throughout my life, and when I toke/trip/etc... my mind wanders and I over analyze things way too much (but with this pessimistic edge). It almost ruins the buzz, and going home, friends, school, etc.. I always feel guilty.
I have also noticed I really enjoy allowing my mind to wander, but it usually comes back to a pessimistic conclusion if I focus on something too long, and that's just me, I don't see how I could change that. I guess I just expect things to work out perfectly, but things aren't perfect and I'm panicing. A lot to think about.
Don't get me wrong I only think of these things every once in a while, but when I do it gets bad.
Hold up, I'll edit this soon, wrote this really quickly, but that's the idea, maybe you can come to some conclusion. Maybe weed/drugs aren't for me, and I've considered that, but I love the feeling too much to really quit. But I also feel like I'll eventually abuse them, or I'll become depressed in moderation. Maybe I'm losing my mind? Who knows. I just want to feel good about smoking because I don't think I want to quit. I love the attitude of 'dont worry be happy' but I can't convience myself to feel this way. Maybe I still think it's wrong, and I can't get over it. I haven't come to terms with the fact I'm doing something I still believe is wrong. Bleh. I'm a hypocrite.
Lot to read, but maybe it'll be worthwhile to you.
Throughout my life I've been taught that I need to conform, work hard, love my parents, follow the rules, get through school/college, and I'm on my own.
Well throughout my life I've been rebellious, not entirely, just simple things like acting up in class, smart-ass towards the teacher, etc.. small things.
I've been around the whole alcohol/drug scene since about 13, I'm currently 18. I never went to parties, dances, but I'm a funny kid, and people enjoy my company/ like me, so I always had the option to partake in it, and most of my friends I hang with do it, but I secretly disliked, and believed it was bad. I guess I knew I was scared of what it could do.
I recently decided to smoke with my friend for the first time about 4-5 weeks ago. It was great, I loved it. Did 2-5 times, and 2 weeks later I drop 2 hits of acid.
I consider myself intellegent, I over analyze the shit out of everything, and I'm a pretty sensitive person, and while acid was amazing fun socially, when I eventually went home I began to think about all of the bad problems I've had from money, relationships, family, doing drugs secretly, possiblity of fucking up of my life (this is what I've been taught) and things got progressively worse. I eventually feel asleep and woke up fine. I progressively became slightly depressed for about a week or two, but continued to smoke, and things eventually became 'normal' after abut 2 1/2 weeks.
But.. recently everytime I smoke I feel guilty, as if I truly am fucking up my life, and I have a lot of people in my life that are intellegent (conformist) and would tear me apart if they found out. But... I love it, with the exception of a few things I've been able to keep up with my daily life at a very prestigious, difficult private school. I just feel like I've learned many pessimistic view points throughout my life, and when I toke/trip/etc... my mind wanders and I over analyze things way too much (but with this pessimistic edge). It almost ruins the buzz, and going home, friends, school, etc.. I always feel guilty.
I have also noticed I really enjoy allowing my mind to wander, but it usually comes back to a pessimistic conclusion if I focus on something too long, and that's just me, I don't see how I could change that. I guess I just expect things to work out perfectly, but things aren't perfect and I'm panicing. A lot to think about.
Don't get me wrong I only think of these things every once in a while, but when I do it gets bad.
Hold up, I'll edit this soon, wrote this really quickly, but that's the idea, maybe you can come to some conclusion. Maybe weed/drugs aren't for me, and I've considered that, but I love the feeling too much to really quit. But I also feel like I'll eventually abuse them, or I'll become depressed in moderation. Maybe I'm losing my mind? Who knows. I just want to feel good about smoking because I don't think I want to quit. I love the attitude of 'dont worry be happy' but I can't convience myself to feel this way. Maybe I still think it's wrong, and I can't get over it. I haven't come to terms with the fact I'm doing something I still believe is wrong. Bleh. I'm a hypocrite.
Lot to read, but maybe it'll be worthwhile to you.