first and for most... some of you guys who may know me will know that im all kinds of fucked up..... and unfortunently it is not an act... im the same jaggov behind the screen that I am in real life... I wasn't always like this.... looking back to my childhood at about 7-8 year old shit start going bad for me... I started acting up and making poor decisions that would follow me threw life... I could sit here and blame my father for not being there for me and beating my mother more times then I care to recall and twice trying to kill my mom {once shot her in the ear thank god it didn't hit her head} some of it has to do with him.. other parts I made my own bed and had to lie in it... I practiced so hard since I was young to be just a cold cruel person... so much so that I got lost in that shit and programmed myself to be that dude.... I thought it would be necessary for my survival but man I fucking hate what I have become... I cant control my anger for shit... I loose my cool over the most minimal and stupidest shit. I can now from practice sometimes catch myself before I hurt someone {took a lot of practice} but its hard to control my words I find myself saying the craziest most hurtfull shit that comes into my mind and out my lips first..... I don't know wtf it is to be happy.. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy... I mainly have 2 emotions.... anger and depression.. and I end up masking the depression and manifesting it into anger so others wont mistake it for a weakness... my face wears 2 main expressions.... anger and hurt..... anything else seems not to look right on me... I don't look right being happy... prolly cuzz most the time its fake. ive tried so hard to fucking change but its hard to break old habbits and mindsets.... I know I have a big heart but wtf good is that if hardly no one ever sees or notices it in you... there is soooo much more shit I dont have the patience to sit here and type it all..... ive reached that moment in life where I hate wat ive become... just been feeling down and like fucking shit lately... any advice or imput would be appreciated... whether negative or positive imput I prolly deserve it either way.... AM I FUCKED FOR LIFE OR WHAT? lol fml!!!
OK..........Heres the take of a newb, who doesn't know you, but grew up with some of the same shit in her life, and ran off , in rebellion, as a hellaciously bad teen, at 13, the first time.If it hadn't been for the interest , and love of a man , too old for me, but still wanting me, heaven knows what would have become of me.
And here I am, 40 years later, still with this man, so , he basically saved my life. He, to this day, claims I saved his .
Not the point , though............heres the point ; I was so full of anger and hatred, at my family, for so many years, and my man, who had a childhood like yours, had anger, too. Maybe thats what made us compatable.
Anyway...........one day he said to me " I'm done...., done with the anger, the nightmares, the hatred, .........I'm just letting it all go" , and as I watched, I saw a change,.........somehow he DID , let it go .
I kept asking him, " How did you do that? Why can't I ? " he just said it was like pushing a button inside him, and he just stopped thinking about it all.
As time went by, in our relationship, I realized, somewhere along the line, I , too had let the shit go.........I don't know when , or how, I just know I did.
It tends to re surface at holidays, but as I got older, and had a son of my own, and made the decision to end the cycle of violence and cruelty, that had forever changed both my man, and myself, then lost a few family members, to overdoses , and old age, things just seemed , ..........I don't know.........not worth feeling like that, over.
I wish I could say how, when or why , this happened, but , I can't. I can only say, at some point, you will find that shutoff button, I hope, and let go of all the old baggage, and start to fill a new suitcase, with nice, new stuff.
I wish you the best, and hope you are able to find, your "off " button, some time soon. Until then...........light up, sit back, and enjoy what good life offers.........
I'm not a "religious " person, so I just say........good luck , and may LIFE bless you.........and give you all you need.........
<3
....But I have not thought of you acting like a scumbag here..nor have I seen the anger/depression here.. I have not had issues with you and have not seen you have issues with others here.. 