Suicide & How Weed Helps me Cope

Every 24hrs Is a blessing for me. Or at least I see it as, because not one day has passed since I was like 11 or 12, that I have not thought about killing myself. I have been recognized that I am depressed mostly due to the part of own self loathing and lack of accomplishments. The weird part is even though Im limited in communication and transportation, that I still could have done better. I take full responsibility for anything I do or say, Im a firm believer in the Bible, Christ, and God. But this life, it lacks beauty in my eyes, every where I see beautiful women, cars, houses and they are all materialistic, even though I dont possess any of them Im pretty sure If I had them, It still would not matter. I seek substance, I truly feel like even though I have friends and family, im still alone. A lot of times these are the things that lead us down this path of thought any way. Im not asking for life to be fair, like Pres. Nixon said im trying to be a stronger man to deal with it. Its like I have no control over none of my destiny, like I didnt even choose the woman Im with right now. The bitch just fell in my lap, and because I was so lonely, I took her and her 2 kids in, even though neither one of them are mine. Now Im a father of two, for 3yrs without even trying. Biologically I dont even have kids, and Im not getting any younger. The truth is, if it was not for weed, I probably would have blew my brains out a long time ago, and If I never learned to grow it, I would probably be the guy behind the ski mask that you guys hate so much. I thank God for it, and for even giving me a chance to even attempt to be happy. I feel like even if I go to jail for this shit, it was all worth it, because I never had shit to start with. And hope like hell yall can feel my fucking tears through this keyboard, because even though we can have all the knowledge and money in the world it wont bring us happiness. THE CONTENT IS IN YOUR CHARACTER, our attitude chooses if we are worth Gold, Silver, or Bronze. The funny thing is I know life is to short to spend it un-happy, but how can you be happy during a free fall all the way to your death. Ive tried so hard to take flight, and I pray that God blesses my journey to gain enough money off this plant to at least purchase my first car at 27. Lost love, lost family members I loved, but thats not what hurts me, its looking back and realizing that I didnt just lose love and family members, I lost myself and who I was....

Fucked up.

Bluehillsmoker said:

Every 24hrs Is a blessing for me. Or at least I see it as, because not one day has passed since I was like 11 or 12, that I have not thought about killing myself. I have been recognized that I am depressed mostly due to the part of own self loathing and lack of accomplishments. The weird part is even though Im limited in communication and transportation, that I still could have done better. I take full responsibility for anything I do or say, Im a firm believer in the Bible, Christ, and God. But this life, it lacks beauty in my eyes, every where I see beautiful women, cars, houses and they are all materialistic, even though I dont possess any of them Im pretty sure If I had them, It still would not matter. I seek substance, I truly feel like even though I have friends and family, im still alone. A lot of times these are the things that lead us down this path of thought any way. Im not asking for life to be fair, like Pres. Nixon said im trying to be a stronger man to deal with it. Its like I have no control over none of my destiny, like I didnt even choose the woman Im with right now. The bitch just fell in my lap, and because I was so lonely, I took her and her 2 kids in, even though neither one of them are mine. Now Im a father of two, for 3yrs without even trying. Biologically I dont even have kids, and Im not getting any younger. The truth is, if it was not for weed, I probably would have blew my brains out a long time ago, and If I never learned to grow it, I would probably be the guy behind the ski mask that you guys hate so much. I thank God for it, and for even giving me a chance to even attempt to be happy. I feel like even if I go to jail for this shit, it was all worth it, because I never had shit to start with. And hope like hell yall can feel my fucking tears through this keyboard, because even though we can have all the knowledge and money in the world it wont bring us happiness. THE CONTENT IS IN YOUR CHARACTER, our attitude chooses if we are worth Gold, Silver, or Bronze. The funny thing is I know life is to short to spend it un-happy, but how can you be happy during a free fall all the way to your death. Ive tried so hard to take flight, and I pray that God blesses my journey to gain enough money off this plant to at least purchase my first car at 27. Lost love, lost family members I loved, but thats not what hurts me, its looking back and realizing that I didnt just lose love and family members, I lost myself and who I was....

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I struggled with a lot of what you said when I was younger as well. A lot of what you said is admirable, and things I'd agree with, like the materialistic focus, the focus on character etc. I've had bouts of severe depression throughout my life as well. But one thing that made it worse for me was seeing everything through the lens of Christianity That makes it worse. Because if you are a true believer, your right, this world is FUCKED. It's beyond depressing. I used to think day in and day out about it when I was younger. But then I came to a realization. None of that is real. God isn't real. Jesus wasn't real. The bible isn't real. It's made up, for various reasons. It gives people comfort and structure, but with the morality of a different time. When you look at the world through this lens all the time and know nothing else, yeah its fucking depressing. My suggestion to you would be to take the steps to let go of that. Learn about science, history, etc, so that you can realize why it's not true. It's basically been disproved. When I did that it was a huge weight off my shoulders, but it was also scary. But I learned an invaluable lesson. Life is what you make it. You choose your side, you choose your cause, and you dedicate your life to it. You give life purpose. No one else. You can spend your whole life waiting to God to intercede, or you can start to make something of yourself, and slowly conquer your depression. It's possible and your not the only one out there. If your ever feeling suicidal or down, send me a message or something.

Kind of a rant on a specific point, but I thought it was an important point to make.

Hey, OP. Thanks for sharing some of your experience with us, I am touched. These thoughts of suicide started at 11 or 12? That is unusual and may point to a chemical imbalance within you. Have you ever been to a therapist or tried any kind of meds? I'm so glad that you found this beautiful plant, it may have indeed saved you. At the end of your post, you mention that your greatest loss was of yourself and who you used to be. Who was that? You are very young, although it may not feel that way. Statistically, you have a long life ahead of you and plenty of time to figure out what you want to do with it and what makes you happy. Hell, most guys don't even really get serious about life until they're in their 30s. Seems like you have a green thumb, which is great. You can make lots of money growing this great plant (I do), and you're in the right forum to learn from some excellent growers. Having a feeling of control over where you are headed can go a long way toward creating a happy life, figure out what that consists of and make the small steps you can toward that. I would still suggest someone to speak with IRL like a counselor, and I'd like to hear who you used to be, the guy you lost...

GH, that was beautiful btw.





I can empathize with you on several different levels Blue. I think everyone who as ever questioned everything... considers the escape from suicide, i know i have, and sometimes i still do. In my opinion, i think the thought of suicide is a normal thing to do for those who attempt to understand the universe as it is, rather than what we either want it to be... or fear it is.

Everyone, i don't care who you are, we all have our escapes from the contemplation of existence. Whether our distractions are our friends, family, or hobbies... everything we do is a distraction from the one big question that no one, ever, in the time of all of the existence in humanity has been able to answer.

What is the point of anything... to anything?

Anyone who even acknowledges the existence of this question, has gone through depression, that i do not doubt. But the thing is, the question is, how do we deal with this question?

Do we pick an idea that gives us an unsure answer, do we listen to someone else's certainty? Or do we face this question, and answer honestly, which is the hardest thing any thinking human will ever be able to do. That we do not know. We don't know what the point is. It's scary, yes, i know, i've been there too and always will be, but it gets easier in time. We start to find within our lives a new hope, and a new responsibility. In order to live and to be happy, we have to give our lives our own meaning and purpose rather than depending on something outside of ourselves give us meaning and purpose. But with that responsibility comes freedom, the same freedom you felt when you have to get a job after you get your very first car. Yes you have to spend a few hours a week doing something you don't necessarily like to do... but the rest of the time you almost literally can go anywhere in the country you want give or take a week or two.

You have to give meaning and purpose to your life, figure out what you love to do the most. Is it helping people? Is it collecting something, learning about something, playing video games, surfing, smoking cannabis, drinking, watching the seeds you've sewn grow whether it be a child or a flower. Watching yourself grow, mind and body. Watching those you love grow, experience new things with them as life and time passes. Meeting new people, going new places, experiencing new things, seeing places you've only thought of, going places you never dreamed of. Thinking of a crazy idea no one has ever though of. What wonders are there in the world, and what lengths we go to achieve them.

Someday they will end, as we will too... but as the universe continues to show us from the birth of this universe until now. That nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same... and nothing disappears.

We will be happy some days, and sad some others. Like GH said, life is what you make it bro. It sucks, yes, that some of us are dealt a shitty shitty hand, but we can still be happy if we try. Happiness is a struggle for everyone at some point in time, but you gotta be optimistic if you want to be happy.

I'm your same age, 27 years old, going through some of the same shit you are. But you gotta remember that we all have shitty days every now and again... but we can still be happy despite those days. Same thing as GH said too, if you ever need someone to talk to just message me. I do my best to give compassion and understanding to a world that rarely shows me the same, but it gives me more pleasure than being mean or unkind to those around me. Just going out of my way sometimes for a stranger gives me enough meaning to go on living trying to be happy. No one ever goes through life without feeling sadness, you are not alone. Good luck Blue, just don't forget that there are people on this planet that care about you and would be very sad if you were gone, let that be enough to keep you going... and never forget, that no one is perfect.

Message me if you want to chat it up bro.

@GH, I hate to float Science, but ultimately string theory shows us divine intervention is not only possible, but cant be looked around. God's there, people are just swaying away.

It is whatever we think it is. Whatever we think it is... is what gets us through the day and into the next. What is the truth? No one knows, but some people can't accept that, so they just make it up, but that's ok. Just as long as no harm is done along the way, i've got no problem with it. Keep your chin up bro, you got this shit.

God is real you got that going for ya and you are young enough to start over if you want.
I don't like the way this world is either. Charles Stanley is on tv now describing what happened to it.
We lost our moral convictions and have turned away from God.
I tried to end all the pain inside of me once,God stepped in & blocked it,that's when I realized he loves even me.
I try to live more his way now and my life seems fuller,I still don't like the shape we have let this world get in,but I know I'll
never try it again.How do I know? I thought long about it.If I did that would mean I didn't trust God's plan for my life.
Is life easy now?NO!! But the more obedient I become the more good things happen to me.
I hope things have gotten better for you,I love you.
Pm me anytime let me know what's happening we got some common ground.

Shit dude I'm glad you found Mary. I'm going through tuff shit as well. I'm not sure what to say but hang in there man, good will come. Smoke, blow over, start over.

I just love the compassionate words from everyone in this thread..
I'm with nameno though,
I alone did not bring myself back from the depths of hell,I had a co pilot ..I believe the hand of God had a big part.
My question is;does MJ sometimes bring on the depression? it does for me..and sometimes triggers anxiety/paic attacks..not always though..
I wish for peace and good health to all..

2yrs later, thanks guys for looking out for me in my time of need. Looking back on this and knowing how much this forum is a part of me, I can see why so many legendary growers suggest this forum

@Bluehillsmoker How are things going for you now? any better?

long live the bud!

@Arnbjorn Ive been doing good, I realized the problem is with my money. I have no freedom because my lack of cash has limited my lifestyle and travel. Its one of the main reasons I started to grow. But Ive dealt with so many house repairs I cant even keep the room running! Plus a break up and a big mouthed girlfriend has made me a little nervous so Im probably not starting my new crop until this fall!!!

Stu Toned said:

I just love the compassionate words from everyone in this thread..
I'm with nameno though,
I alone did not bring myself back from the depths of hell,I had a co pilot ..I believe the hand of God had a big part.
My question is;does MJ sometimes bring on the depression? it does for me..and sometimes triggers anxiety/paic attacks..not always though..
I wish for peace and good health to all..

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Experiment with different strains; my buddy suffers from ptsd and he says that sativa will sometimes aggravate his anxiety while indica always calms him down. I believe sativa would be more well suited for depression and heavy indica use could worsen your depression. To anybody who is suffering from depression or anxiety I would highly recommend the book " A New Earth " by Eckhart Tolle

@Bluehillsmoker

u want CBDs something high
http://www.leafscience.com/2014/02/23/5-must-know-facts-cannabidiol-cbd/

the fact i knew this saved my ass at the beginning of the year....CBDs has a natural effect on ppl with bi polar or depression (along with the helping they also protect the person from the man made chemicals ) pot smokers retains more cognitive function compared to no smokers if they are taken anti-depressives or any other heavy mental effecting drug .....study in britian i can look it up if u want ....but was based on equal parts THC and CBDs in a oral spray ..........i am bi polar and wish for death on a daily base due to the fact i am smart enough to know what i lost out on compared to a normal person .........so i been using weed as a controller since the onset 23 years now

i am a auto plant grower so i only know those
Auto Yumbolt by cbds seeds .........great stuff ....works on pain too
NarcoTherapy by cream of the crop ......good stuff to 20% thc 1.4% cbds genetically

those 2 strains have a good effect on me and are requested by a few of the ppl i help ....the high is not like stoner weed soaring in the ozone .....it is more of a body feeling of normal able to run around and do things


as for your EX ............ if u want to get technical if she lived there then she was apart of the OP under the law's viewpoint ( just needs some bills in her name coming to the place ) at that point all her funds will be dirty and she will have to account for every cent anything paid for with illegal money can be forfeit/seized ........does not matter that she did not do work the fact she knew and accepted fund/rewards/benefits makes her guilty under the law to ...........so telling on u burns her just as much if u want to point that out to her (hope makes u feel better)

5 years later and I still come back to this post. This forum is filled with amazing, caring, people and I’m proud to be apart of it. I’m back at it with a new attitude and a new hunger for life. I wish I could explain it all. I’ve grown as a man and all I want is to be successful enough to have a wife and kids and that’s what I’m working towards!

Bluehillsmoker said:

5 years later and I still come back to this post. This forum is filled with amazing, caring, people and I’m proud to be apart of it. I’m back at it with a new attitude and a new hunger for life. I wish I could explain it all. I’ve grown as a man and all I want is to be successful enough to have a wife and kids and that’s what I’m working towards!

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I'm new here and have just read your original post through down to your new one and makes me happy to see there are still kind hearted people out in the world and to see that you have a new attitude towards life. I can understand what you're saying, i spent so many, too many years of my life trying to be someone that I wasn't and it took meeting a wonderful person and she showed me that I could live life differently and be happy. 8years on we're still together and have a beautiful son together. It's not always a woman that can make a person's life better, but there is always something or someone out there that can help a person get through their life with happiness. I hope all your hard work pays off and that you find peace and happiness with your life my friend.

I’ve heard shrooms can help with depression