Remember when you were little?

Hepheastus420 said:

Ha, flew right over my head.. I had a bunch of thoughts going throug my mind when I first read your post and though you said something else.

See after 5 is when I lost all touch of feeling... Come on neer, you had feelings when you were 5. Let's figure out a way to get those feelings back.

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I would like that. However I am currently in the "coffin corner" of a long, progressive clinical depression that has defied the massed and serried glories of modern medicine. I would need to have my neurophysiological engine of vitality repaired/replaced first. I have lost my grip on living meaningfully, and it is a death spiral. Thus my advice: Defend against anomie! It kills. I apologize for the downer. cn

Hepheastus420 said:

I'm gonna go take a shit and read a book.... Maybe I'll come out more joyful.

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If you have any knowledge of augury ... you could take the book and read a shit. cn

I'm not religious... Jus spiritual... Give thanks to the good spirit... There are days however I turn away but I guess it's always there... As far as u feeling like that.. Yeah I get like that too... But then I try new things... Go exercise stretch don't stay in one place... Move around, go for a walk... If u grow build another grow room if u can for the he'll of it and see what 1 light does experiment u know... Or road trip... Whatever u hadn't done... There's always something man... You talk of suicide.. You came this far and haven't done it yet then you better take that as it's not your time and live for the better jus try bro... Your here... So make the best of it... You will pull through man.... If u hhave faith in the and faith in yourself then do what you think u can't or jus try bro.... No what you want and start walking that way.... Seems like you crawl at first but stay with it assured... N you will walk.. Be good my friend

cannabineer said:

I would like that. However I am currently in the "coffin corner" of a long, progressive clinical depression that has defied the massed and serried glories of modern medicine. I would need to have my neurophysiological engine of vitality repaired/replaced first. I have lost my grip on living meaningfully, and it is a death spiral. Thus my advice: Defend against anomie! It kills. I apologize for the downer. cn

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No need to apologize my friend. I have not taken many anti-depression pills but the ones I have taken haven't done shit. So maybe someday I will have my own little coffin set up next to yours.

At least for me, pot increases my numbness and causes me to ignore my depression for a little while.. Does it do the same for you?

Actually pot makes me more aware of the darkness ... and i welcome it, because it tickles my fight/flight reflex. Anything that'll get me off my rotting duff (except maybe flashing lights in the drive and a knock at the door, lol) is valuable at this point.

The only true refuge against the darkness is to generate and release something luminous*. That is often surprisingly lonely, thankless work. Jmo. cn

*Lighting a fart does not count.

I was recently diagnosed with not clinical depression but Dysthmyic Disorder with Anxiety Disorder and all this other crap...I didn't catch it all cuz I have the attention span of an ant...anyway I am always down...but sometimes I go even lower...into a weirdo hole up in a bedroom for 3 months and hide from the sun... Some meds work, but only for a short time...and really the MJ doesn't do it either cuz as soon as it wears off I am right back where I started from...which is really no better than the antidepressants except weed will help me out again the next time I take it...if only they had once a day extended release weed...like I prefer cheap weed...seems to me that while I don't get as "high" the not bad feelings I get seem to last a little longer than the stuff that really messes you up...Anyway gotta get off here and watch the middle...

Grumpy' said:

It may sound strange, but if you want that kid feeling again, act like it! I'm not ask "why" To every answer (have a 5 year old always asking it), but to actually take a break from being an adult. Go jump in a puddle, find a slide and run and dive down it face first. Nothing wrong with reverting back now and then. I get my fill daily, and once a year I take than family to Disney world so we can all run around like kids. Enjoy life, don't succumb to it.

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I do those things often as a test to see if my joy has come back... It's a test that I can never pass.

Ehh it doesn't matter. I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself and I'm not strong enough to find a reason to live. So I'm in the middle where nothing matters, which means there really is no point in stress, worry, or this thread. bah humbug.

missnu said:

I was recently diagnosed with not clinical depression but Dysthmyic Disorder with Anxiety Disorder and all this other crap...I didn't catch it all cuz I have the attention span of an ant...anyway I am always down...but sometimes I go even lower...into a weirdo hole up in a bedroom for 3 months and hide from the sun... Some meds work, but only for a short time...and really the MJ doesn't do it either cuz as soon as it wears off I am right back where I started from...which is really no better than the antidepressants except weed will help me out again he next time I take it...if only they had once a day extended release weed...like I prefer cheap weed...seems to me that while I don't get as "high" the not bad feelings I get seem to last a little longer than the stuff that really messes you up...Anyway gotta get off here and watch the middle...

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What bad feelings do u get off smoking high grade??? Jus asking?

jammin screw said:

What bad feelings do u get off smoking high grade??? Jus asking?

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He's saying that with schwag he feels less stress from life than with dro. I agree.. schwag lingers alot longer than dro.

I believe I think too much for my own good. Like when I was 5 I was a dumbass like every other kid... now I'm 18 and act way more mature than all my friends (and not to brag, but I'm much more intelligent than them) and none of my friends are as depressed as me. Maybe I just need to say fuck it all and go have fun.. Of course that's way more easily said than done.

Intelligence makes you depressed. I would rather be the most fucking stupid guy on the plantet and be happy than be the smartest man in the world but see everything negatively... Ignorance is bliss, sadly though, I'm not ignorant.

What kinda shwag yall smokin on lol.... Or what kinda dro u get? Regs jus get me upset unless it's midgrades then they ight... My middies are cheap though... I guess that's a good thing u think that way though about Reggie n dro... Don't need to spend the money... But Its the opposite with me... But i brought myself up alot... Hope the best though bro... Glad u stll here though

meechz 024 said:

Sadly, this is the mindset you find common in religious peoples. Childlike ways has its advantages but adult ways has more perks imo.

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...melancholy has little to do with religion, at first. It does act to strengthen religious tendencies in those who are melancholic. What's your definition of religion? How is it affected by age?

Yeah I'm still here only because I can't find a reason to death just like I can't find a reason to live.... I get amazing dro like everyone else ha.... I like dro more but if I wanna smoke to kill pain I go after regs.

I was in n out of hospitals throughout my childhood

no fun...life is a lot better now

Im the opposite bro... I felt like that too and I did... Till I smoked n smoked n shit was getting to me more but then there's so much you can do bro, jus take a step, we all try n try fail n fail but you'll find something... YouR only 18 still young and can find a way... Shit get into a trade, n get money..... Go have fun.. Go out.. All it takes is a shower get dressed n walk out the house n go... Your young homie... Live life... There's alot for you if you try to find it.. Even if takes you awhile

hell yeah man... when i was 5, me and my bro(7) at the time were always out in the ranch in the woods with our .22's or shotguns seeing what we could shoot and take home to eat... we would hunt for scorpions, bull frogs, rattle snakes, tarantulas, you name it, we found it... there use to be this gringo who would come down from time to time to purchase these animals and creatures from us at a good price... man we would go crazy buying candies and beer for my grampa with our money...

oh well, those times aint coming back, so might as well make the best of a bad situation... life sucks sometimes, but when you are 5, nothing else matters but having fun!

Hepheastus420 said:

WARNING: RANT AHEAD:

Remember when you were little and everything was filled with sunshine and happiness? Where the fuck did that feeling go? Seriously.... I remember when I was 5 but after that I don't remember finding anything fulfilling. When I was 5 I would be the most happiest fucking person even if I was just following an ant around. I used to be able to do anything and have fun. Now I need to do something that usually costs money to have temporary happiness.

I can honestly say that I would never smoke pot again if I could get my child like views on life again.. Believe me, I really do LOVE pot.. But dammit.. Why can't it be permanent?

Just a little venting....

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Hep. They say there are 3 types of people. Well, Valentinus said that

Anyway, these are: spiritual, psychic, and material. (not 'psychic' in the 'madame x' kind of way)

I see you fitting the spiritual, but being weighed down by the material. Remember that material is between you and your spirit, like a gap. To bridge that gap takes faith. It is also a reconciliation of opposites. If you could balance these you might be able to see a bit of light. It looks like your thinking / processing is needing a break. You mentioned feeling burned out in a previous post. Maybe go back to the feeling part for a while and search it out.

Since I've colored outside of the lines with my descriptions, I'll add this:

The Spiritual receive gnosis, happiness.
The Psychic receive a lesser happiness.
The Material receive, well...material - never a lasting happiness.

Mes deux sous (my 2¢)

I remember herds of antelope running along the highway keeping pace with the car. I remember coyotes howling in packs and falling asleep to their songs. I remember dancing in the rain when a thunderstorm passed through or star gazing with my father and brothers. I remember watching the sun come up as I watered and weeded our acre garden or fed and milked the cows. Waking up to roosters instead of alarm clocks. The delicious shiver of fear as we crept up on the local haunted house. The nervous energy when we snuck into a neighbor's garden to steal his watermelons knowing he kept a gun by the front door filled with birdshot.

I remember waking up at dawn and running to the east to greet the dawn sisters. I remember camping in the Lukachukais and waking up shivering from the high altitude. Sitting around the campfire telling skinwalker stories. I remember being terrified to shut the chickens up at night because of all the damn skinwalker stories told around a campfire. I remember my brother laughing at me as he jumped out of the bushes because I was terrified to walk down the path to the chickens. I found out later he was making sure I was safe. Now all I have is memories of my brother. I remember my sister's Kinaalda and how family came from hundreds of miles to participate.

I also remember the adults in my life and how I always felt safe and secure. Now that's my role. To be the protector. It's my job to make sure my young relatives have the same type of memories that I have and that same sense of security. I don't miss my childhood or wish I had it back. But I do cherish the memories.