Lets Hear Some JOKES!

A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?" The dad asked him, "before or after sex?" "Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied. The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" "Yeah" said the son. "Well, what about after sex?" said the son. His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!! LOL

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny

gloomysmokes707 said:

i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny

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I also find that funny. what do you do when it happens? laugh? LOL

2 guys walk into a bar.....the 3rd one ducks !!!! classic!! LOL

gloomysmokes707 said:

i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny

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"My beef (sniffs) strong."

your beef wrong...

the other day my girlfriend farted and got a nose bleed. i almost cried

gloomysmokes707 said:

i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny

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Damnit sharon! That stopped being funny the second that ir came out her vagina!

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!...

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims

invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Do you know what the difference is between making love to a hooker, a mistress or a wife is?

A hooker says; hurry up, hurry up.

A mistress says; take your time, take your time.

A wife says; beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

Do you know what you find between an old woman's tits?


Her navel.

Little Bobby and Little Suzie were third graders and one day at recess Little Suzie came up to Little Bobby and said, Bobby, I heard some of the older boy use a word and I don't know what it is. Since You're a boy I though you could tell me what the word means.

Little Bobby asked, what's the word?

Little Suzie said, the word is penis.

Gee, said Little Bobby, I don't know what that means but I'll ask my dad tonight, he knows everything.

That night Little Bobby said, dad, I heard a word at school today and I don't know what it means, would you tell me what it means?

His dad said, sure son, what's the word?

The word is penis, said Little Bobby.

His dad said, well son, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you. So the two went to the bathroom and Little Bobby's dad pulled his penis out and said, son, this is a penis. And if I might add, it is the perfect penis.

Wow, gee, thanks dad, said Little Bobby.

The next morning Little Suzie was waiting outside the school for Little Bobby to arrive and when he got there she ran up to him and asked, Bobby, did your dad tell you what the word means? Did he tell you what penis is?

Little Bobby said he did and Little Suzy asked, what does the word mean, what's penis?

Little Bobby said, I'll tell you at recess.

As soon and the two got outside for recess Little Suzie said, Bobby, tell me what the word means, tell me what penis is.

Little Bobby said, Suzie, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you, let's go behind the school.

When the two got behind the school Little Bobby pulled out his penis and said, Suzie, this is a penis. And if I might add, if it were three inches shorter it would be the perfect penis.

There were two old men in their 90's sitting on a park bench and one said to the other, I bet you can't guess my age.

The other old man said he could and said, stand up, so the old man stood up.

The other old man then said, drop your pants.

The old man said I can't drop my pants here in a public park.

The other old man said, if you want me to guess your age drop your pants, so the old man dropped his pants.

Next the other old man said, pull down your underpants.

The old man said, I can't to that, there are women and children around.

The other old man said, if you want me to guess your age pull down your underpants, so the old man pulled down his underpants.

Now stick the index finger of your right hand up your ass, said the other old man.

The old man again protested but he did it anyway and right after the other old man said, your 94.

The old man said, that's amazing, how did you know I was 94?

The other old man said, you told me yesterday.

There were three gay guys in a hot tub. One of them looked down and saw a blob of cum floating on the surface of the water and he looked at the other two guys and said ..... OK, who farted?

On Halloween a little boy with a speech impediment was getting ready to go trick or treating. He dressed up as a pirate, wore a three corner hat, an eye patch, had a fake parrot on his shoulder and a wooden sword and out he went to get candy.

At the first house he stopped at he rang the doorbell and when a woman opened the door the little boy said, brick or breat.

The woman said, what?

Again the little boy said, brick or breat and he held out his candy bag for the woman to see.

The woman said, oh, trick or treat. As she picked up a bowl of candy to give some to the little boy she asked him, and what are you my little man?

The little boy said, I'm a birate.

The woman said, what?

The little boy pointed at the three corner hat, eye patch, parrot and wooden sword and said, I'm a birate.

The woman said, oh, so you're a pirate. She looked around noticing that the little boy was all alone and she asked, if you're a pirate where's your buccaneers?

The little boy said, what?

The woman said, where's your buccaneers?

The little boy pointed at his ears and said, here's my buckin ears lady, where's your buckin eyes?

A young sailor was on his first mission at sea and would not make port for several months. After about a week he was really horny and he asked an older sailor how do you stand it out here for months at a time without any women?

The older sailor said, I just go to the barrel every night.

The barrel, what's that, asked the young sailor.

The old sailor said meet me on the foredeck at 1900 hours and I'll show you.

At 1900 hours the young sailor got to the foredeck and there was a large barrel with a single hole in it and a long line of sailors standing in line. One after another a sailor would stick his weasel into the hole in the barrel and he would begin to moan and groan and finally he would climax and pull out of the hole in the barrel and another sailor would take his turn.

The young sailor thought this was really freaky but he was so horny and the other sailors seemed to enjoy it so much he took a place in line.

When his turn came the young sailor stuck his weasel into the hole in the barrel and instantly he felt a wet warm sensation and a tremendous amount of suction. He moaned and groaned and then climaxed and walked off thinking it won't be so bad being at sea for months without women after all.

Every night for the next week he was back on the foredeck at 1900 hours and took a turn at the barrel.

One day he saw the old sailor who had told him about the barrel so he stopped to thank him for telling him about it and when he went to go to his duty station the old sailor said, I'll see you at the barrel tonight.

The young sailor grinned and said how did you know I'd be at the barrel tonight?

The old sailor said, because tonight it's your turn in the barrel.

An old Jewish man was walking along a beach and he spotted something sticking out of the sand. He pulled it out and it was a very old lamp. It was covered in sand so he took his hand and started wiping the sand off the lamp and a Genie popped out.

The Genie said, for releasing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish.

The old Jewish man reached into his pocket and pulled out an old map and unfolded it and pointed to the Middle East. He said for thousands of years there has been nothing but pain and suffering and war and strife here. My wish it that you put an end to all of that and make the Middle East a beautiful safe good place to live.

The Genie thought a moment and said, I am a very powerful Genie but that is beyond my powers, but I will let you pick another wish.

The old Jewish man thought for a few minutes and said, I have been married to my wife for 40 years and she has never given me a blow job. In 40 years, not one single blow job, not one. For my wish I want you to make my wife give me just one blow job, just one single blow job is all I ask for, only one, and it doesn't have to be great, I just want one short little blow job.

The Genie thought about it a moment and said, can I have another look at that map?

A middle aged woman who always ended up with men that would beat her or run around with other women and who never in her life had a really good lover decided to run an ad in a singles newspaper seeking what she called the perfect man and the perfect lover, one that would not beat her, not run around with other women and one that could satisfy her in bed.

Man after man answered her ad coming to her house and she interviewed each of them and then had sex with them and she just didn't trust any of them and none of them satisfied her in bed.

She figured that she would never meet a perfect man for her and about then she heard her doorbell ring. She opened the door and no one was there. She started to close the door and she heard a man's voice say, hey, down here.

She looked down and there was a man with no arms and no legs lying by her door. She asked him why he was there.

He replied that he was answering the ad for the perfect man that wold never beat her or run around with other women and would be a perfect lover.

The woman said, I don't want to be rude but I have interviewed over a hundred men already and none of them came close to being what I am looking for so what makes you think you would be him.

He assured her that he was the perfect man for her. She said, but you don't have any arms. He replied, then I can't beat you. She said that's true, but you don't have any legs either. He replied, then I can't run around with other women. Again she had to agree. Then she said but what makes you think you could be a great lover? The man replied, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

There was an old man and an old woman in a nursing home and every night when it got dark they would meet at a bench on the lawn and the old woman would open the old man's pant and hold his weasel and they would just sit there.


One night the old woman went to the bench and the old man didn't show up. The next night the old woman went to to the bench and again the old man didn't show up. This went on for about a week and then one day she saw him in the cafeteria.

She went over and asked him why he stopped meeting her every night. He pointed across the cafeteria at another old woman and said, I sit with her now every night.

The old woman asked him why he was sitting with the other old woman now instead of her and the old man said, because she has Parkinson's Disease.