jokes

Breast Implants

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

forgive me if it offends anyone. i didnt write the things......

Blue Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost
to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.

The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man a top City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Tackle Box

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

Friends Wife

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

sick one.........

Nostalgia

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

Just A Wee bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

LMFAO @ this one. i have memorized it...... dosent count for canada and the uk i guess though. i dont know all the details on that....

Good Health Plan

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

�Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

Reverse Psychology

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

�It's getting late, big boy,� she says after a few minutes. �Why don't we go upstairs to bed.�

�We might as well,� slurs the husband. �I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.�

Vasoline Salesman

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

�Hello,� he starts, �I�m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?�

�Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,� she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. �Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,� he continues. �Can you tell me exactly how you use it?�

�Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can�t get in.�

Italian Worker

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

i should submit this to carlos mencia

Liver and Cheese

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "

The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "

The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

The Missing Condoms

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you�ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I�d ever lied to my girlfriend."

Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

crack on the whities

Drinks for Jesus

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey�is that God�s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian�s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, "Don�t touch me! I�m drawing disability!"

Last Wish

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

my last one to you folks for the night. i love ya all for listening while i was bored. hoe u enjoyed........

Designated

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Ha ha hahahahahahahahah that was funny" your ugly

those last two are doubles...lol.