So today I have done pretty much nothing. I ate half bowl capn crunch berries. Watched 4 episodes of my favorite sports talk show. Laid around with the cats. Heated up and ate half a pack of dim sum treat thingys. Watched youtube for about 2 hours. Mostly fights, and prison stuff. Not sure why I always go there. That's been my day. Woo hoo.
I'll try not to talk about it much as I know you guys are the last people in the world who want to hear about me talking about not smoking,... but too bad. I smoked 2 bowls on Tues and only 1 on Wed. So this makes it the 3rd day and it's so weird what always happens with me when I'm detoxing (or whatever you want to call it). I can't really eat. Even if I'm hungry my mouth just doesn't want to swallow. My theory is that when I smoke my stomach produces stomach acid, and get's me all ready to eat. NOt necessarily after smoking, but just in general. When I stop I think I don't have stuff in my stomach to digest a full meal, so my stomach tells my mouth STOP.
There's also this weird sweating I get. My armpits, hands, feet sweat like fucking MAD. Only lasts about 3 days, but yea, I've been changing my socks like 3 or 4 times a day. I can't really fall asleep, and when I do my fucking dreams are more real than damn life. It's so wild. Haha, one dream the other night was about RIU. SOmeone was talking mad shit about you Mr. West and I was alllll upset. At some point I think I realized it was a dream and I tried to wake myself up. Crazy when you can try to control you're actual body while you are asleep and dreaming.
Two other things. I have massive motivation swings. Not mood swings, but I'll be all inspired to do stuff, do it for a few hours, then get all bumy like today and do nothing. But it's not like being depressed. I've been depressed before and that's different. I'm in good spirits, just absolutely no motivation. I don't have the motivation to make a decision at this point. And the final thing is the FEELINGS. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. Happy, sad, frustrated, angry, hysterical, energized, inquisitive, loving, spiteful, tired... all that stuff and more... it's all been turned up. Like the volume on the emotions machine went from a nice comfortable 3 to a deafening 15!!!
When I was going to meetings a while ago that's what they said was our common issue, was that we felt too much, or something like that, haha. I'm tired of meetings, but I'm sure at some point my wife is going to fucking sick of hearing me talk about it, so maybe I'll go back. Sigh. I do enjoy being sober... but I also really enjoy being high. And it seems like I can't make both work at once. It's like I'm either smoking all day every day... or not at all. Really want to get it so I can smoke a couple-few times a week. I would get a lot higher that's for sure.
Ok, enough of that. I think I might try to play a video game now.
Oh, remembered one other thing I started today. I'm archiving the 600 club thread. So ever if RIU ever disappears or they take down our thread, all will not be lost. I'm gonna do my journals after that.