"Now i'm an atheist, and i love religion. I don't love religion in a snarky mean spirited way... i unabashedly sincerely love that we have religion. Because if we didn't we wouldn't be here right now, being all post modern and ironic.
There would be no civilization. If no one would've invented religion we'd be fucked right now. Because at the dawn of man, civilization was the biggest and the strongest. And that's as far as we're ever gonna go. Whoever was the biggest, fucked, killed, ate anything they wanted. That was it...
Civilization was a huge psychopath with a club goin "MMmmm i think i'm gonna have rape for dinner!" That was it. That's as far as we we're gonna go.
And then, one of my ancestors... probably some weakling, said "Look, there's no way i can beat that guy". "But what if i trick him into thinking that if he doesn't kill and rape people while he's down here, that when he dies, there's a magic city in the clouds and he can go up and eat all the cake he wants."
Now that's not a very well formed plan, but he went and told the big psycho and the psycho heard that and said "Yeeaaaaa... i like cake." BOOM! There it was, that was the beginning of civilization! Now we can work on fire and writing and agriculture. That's religion, it's the old sky cake dodge! It worked!
Now things were great for a while. But what was happening was that shit was going on all over the planet. They were just using different deserts. They would tell them about sky cookies or sky pie or sky bocliva. So as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships and they'd go visit each other and the one guy would walk off the boat and go "Hey did you hear the good news about the sky bocliva? And the first guy went " It's cake mother fucker you're dead!!!
And then oh my god there were the desert wars, it was a nightmare. They were just killin people. It got so bad that every now and then some dude would show up and go "Hey i got good news! There's cake and pie and cookies for everyone we can all share!" And the people said, "Nail him to a fuckin cross it is only cake!" "The only way sky cake tastes good, is if up in the sky, the sky cookie and sky pie people can't have the sky cake! That's the only way sky cake tastes good!" "I did not spend my life, not raping and killing people, to not go up into the sky and have cake! SKY CAKE!
So the next time you see some douche bags in front of an abortion clinic, or try to ban a harry potter novel, just say
"Ooohh sky cake... why are you so delicious?!""