how to deal with friend and slightly racist comments

so yeah, here is the scoop. i met this one guy about 3 months ago and he is super cool, nice, funny etc. etc., and we are good friends, but there are times when he tells stories or just in general conversation where he will say things that are either racist, or stereotypical. i think he is just a product of where he comes from, since i have met some of his friends from "back home" and they are completely ok with the things he says or even say the same things themselves, and they all think everything is fine.

for instance, if he ever tells a story that involves a black person, he will do the whole pause during the story and say "and the guy was black," even if it isnt relevant at all. he will also use the n-word occasionally instead of saying black person, or insinuate stereotypes like black people steal.

these things really urk me. after a story, he will turn to me for a responsive laugh and all i do is an akward semi-laugh which shows that i am only laughing just because the situation would be awkward otherwise and that im uncomfortable.

how should i handle letting him know im not ok with this? i know i should just grow a pair, but i typically wont step on anyones toes, even if they deserve to be. should i just flat out say i'm not ok with it, or should i tell him he shouldnt say it himself? how would you guys approach this?

If you have a really big problem with it, why don't you just stop hanging around with him?

poutineeh said:

so yeah, here is the scoop. i met this one guy about 3 months ago and he is super cool, nice, funny etc. etc., and we are good friends, but there are times when he tells stories or just in general conversation where he will say things that are either racist, or stereotypical. i think he is just a product of where he comes from, since i have met some of his friends from "back home" and they are completely ok with the things he says or even say the same things themselves, and they all think everything is fine.

for instance, if he ever tells a story that involves a black person, he will do the whole pause during the story and say "and the guy was black," even if it isnt relevant at all. he will also use the n-word occasionally instead of saying black person, or insinuate stereotypes like black people steal.

these things really urk me. after a story, he will turn to me for a responsive laugh and all i do is an akward semi-laugh which shows that i am only laughing just because the situation would be awkward otherwise and that im uncomfortable.

how should i handle letting him know im not ok with this? i know i should just grow a pair, but i typically wont step on anyones toes, even if they deserve to be. should i just flat out say i'm not ok with it, or should i tell him he shouldnt say it himself? how would you guys approach this?

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Its human nature to notice differences. that will never change.

If he doesnt say it in a condesending way is it still racist?

i mean, he is a well intentioned person, most of the time. i think that where he is from is why he says what he does. realistically, its not a daily thing. if i were to describe the occurrence of racist comments in terms of a rate, id say its maybe 2 or 3 times a month. not trying to come up with an excuse, but put it in perspective. its the only objection i have when im hanging out with him. we get along great otherwise.

besides, imo, by "leaving" him, i am doing him a disservice. its better to have friends who can help you change for the better and help show you any ignorant tendencies you may have in the hope of correcting them. i dont think "abandoning" him would be the right choice. i just have the problem of not acting, but i think next time it comes out, ill ask him why he says what he does and we can have a legitimate discussion. perhaps he thinks its funny and doesnt have racist intentions, but he needs to know what he is saying is wrong...

Then be a good friend and explain his ignorance to him.

Tell him to be a good friend and not offend you

Look dude, everyone has shortcomings.
If you think you can change that "One Thing" that bothers you about everyone you meet, your eventually gonna go out of your friggin mind.

Next time he says something racist, just give him a dirty look and say you didn't think it was very funny.

One of my best friends is the same way. As mjetta said, its human nature to notice why other human beings are not like you. My friend will say similar things, or blame black people for stuff they obviously didn't do. One day I confronted him on it by making fun of him about it (you know how friends do) and he got offended. And I was like, why are you offended? You portray yourself as racist all the time by saying stuff like that. I just assumed you were by the way you act. Ever since he has been working on not saying stuff about different races in a negative manner and leaves his jokes/comments to more stereotypical things and less hateful things. I think stereotypes are damn funny because most of the time they hold true. But when someone starts being really malicious about a certain race then it bothers me.

If your friend is doing it to hurt anyone, then I would say it isn't a big deal. Just demonstrate someway that you do not enjoy the same stereotypical humor as him in a nice way. i.e. not appreciating jokes concerning racism etc.

well If hes not an idiot Id think hed catch on after a while that you dont think its funny....everyone can tell the difference between a "this is awkward" laugh, and a real laugh

poutineeh said:

i mean, he is a well intentioned person, most of the time. i think that where he is from is why he says what he does. realistically, its not a daily thing. if i were to describe the occurrence of racist comments in terms of a rate, id say its maybe 2 or 3 times a month. not trying to come up with an excuse, but put it in perspective. its the only objection i have when im hanging out with him. we get along great otherwise.

besides, imo, by "leaving" him, i am doing him a disservice. its better to have friends who can help you change for the better and help show you any ignorant tendencies you may have in the hope of correcting them. i dont think "abandoning" him would be the right choice. i just have the problem of not acting, but i think next time it comes out, ill ask him why he says what he does and we can have a legitimate discussion. perhaps he thinks its funny and doesnt have racist intentions, but he needs to know what he is saying is wrong...

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On many occasions, ignorance is misinterpreted as bigotry. If you believe your friend is just a product of his environment, I lean toward the ignorant label. Most lack of sensitivity, especially when it comes to race, is due to a lack of knowledge.

If it were me and I believed the guy was just ignorant, not a true bigot, I would simply say the following:

Use of the n-word: "Dude, is that really necessary?"
Use of 'and the guy is black': "Dude, what difference could that possibly make?"
Stereotypes: "Dude, do you really believe ALL black folk are on welfare?" (Just an example. I don't know what he actually said.)

Those questions will put your buddy in a position where he has to defend those statements. They should give him something to think about.

Good luck.

Johnnyorganic said:

On many occasions, ignorance is misinterpreted as bigotry. If you believe your friend is just a product of his environment, I lean toward the ignorant label. Most lack of sensitivity, especially when it comes to race, is due to a lack of knowledge.

If it were me and I believed the guy was just ignorant, not a true bigot, I would simply say the following:

Use of the n-word: "Dude, is that really necessary?"
Use of 'and the guy is black': "Dude, what difference could that possibly make?"
Stereotypes: "Dude, do you really believe ALL black folk are on welfare?" (Just an example. I don't know what he actually said.)

Those questions will put your buddy in a position where he has to defend those statements. They should give him something to think about.

Good luck.

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What i meant to say but more eloquently

Find you a girlfriend of another race. Or just another friend of another race and the 3 of you all hang out.

hom36rown said:

well If hes not an idiot Id think hed catch on after a while that you dont think its funny....everyone can tell the difference between a "this is awkward" laugh, and a real laugh

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Yeah i think the comments may have gone down in the last month, although I have known him only a short time and cant be sure.

Johnnyorganic said:

On many occasions, ignorance is misinterpreted as bigotry. If you believe your friend is just a product of his environment, I lean toward the ignorant label. Most lack of sensitivity, especially when it comes to race, is due to a lack of knowledge.

If it were me and I believed the guy was just ignorant, not a true bigot, I would simply say the following:

Use of the n-word: "Dude, is that really necessary?"
Use of 'and the guy is black': "Dude, what difference could that possibly make?"
Stereotypes: "Dude, do you really believe ALL black folk are on welfare?" (Just an example. I don't know what he actually said.)

Those questions will put your buddy in a position where he has to defend those statements. They should give him something to think about.

Good luck.

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Very well put. I like how it doesnt sound like me lecturing or putting him down by phrasing the response as a question. Seems like an easy enough segue into talking about it.

poutineeh said:

Yeah i think the comments may have gone down in the last month, although I have known him only a short time and cant be sure.

Very well put. I like how it doesnt sound like me lecturing or putting him down by phrasing the response as a question. Seems like an easy enough segue into talking about it.

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If you challenge him every time, he'll soon learn you will not tolerate it when he frames things in a racial context. He'll either change his ignorant ways, edit himself around you, or stop hanging out with you.

Whatever happens, you will not be subjected to it as long as you stick to your guns.

Good luck.

me and my black friends call each other nigga all the time. it's a cultural thing. it's also about comfortability--i don't say it to people i don't know, just my friends. i'll say it around people i don't know, but i'll never say it towards them. it's one of those "rights of passage" type of deals

I have a buddy from Georgia that is really racist. Nigger this nigger that. Like your friend, he is a good guy but would go on racists rants. One day I broke it out and said "listen, we grew up in different places and it makes me very uncomfortable when you talk like that and I would appreciate it if you cut it out when I am around."

Haven't heard a racist thought come out of his mouth is 2 years.

Just make your expectations known.

Myself & my group of friends are beyond racism. We have a lot of banter with one of our friends who is mixed race, to people on the outside it may seem that we are being racist, but we really do worry about people who concern themselves with it.... worry in the sense that we think they are one of the PC brigade.

Just the other day my mate Zig turned up to do some work on our cars, and during some banter he came out with 'Why do all white people think black people are thieves?' to which i replied 'We don't, we just say you are to take the heat off us!' and we both burst out laughing.

None of us have a problem with it, in fact, he can be more racist on his own than the lot of us honkies put together!

I'm never in a position not to talk about anything I feel like in his presence..... he knows its never said with any malice, and vise versa when he calls us all the names under the sun & mocks our culture etc

I think anyone who worries themselves about racism should spend that time a little more constructively. I've spoken to hundreds of people from all walks of life, and the one thing they detest the most is white people making such a fuss about racism offending black people (or whatever racial group is in question).

Our country (UK) is plagued by alterations to brand names, logos, & symbols since the politically correct WHITE people have called for things to be changed. A few examples if you so please:

In schools:

The nursery rhyme that used to go 'Baa baa Black Sheep' is now 'Baa Baa Pink Sheep'....as not to offend our black friends.

"White boards" are now called "Marker Boards". And 'Black Boards' are now called "chalk Boards".

Around the house:

"Black bags (refused sacks)" are now called "Bin Bags".... yet we still sell "white bags"

"Black Coffee" should only be asked for by saying "Coffee without milk"


There are plenty more examples, pathetic really...... and like i said, its not the ethnic minorities complaining, its more often than not the white people!

I used to live in a city that was racially divided, nowadays there are less white people than black people.

I used to hate black people as a kid too.
( My father was a skinhead back then and i only wanted to impress him and his mates )

Since moving away from my father and the city i grew up in i totally changed, i realized that skin colour has nothing to do with it.

Some people just need to get a grip on life.
So what if a black person walked in someplace.
So what if a polish person gets that job..
Ya know?

Fuck ignorance.
Fuck racism.
I'm glad i learned the truth about shit before it was too late.

Arrid said:

So what if a polish person gets that job..

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Hmmmm.... yeah, I'm gonna have to go right on ahead & disagree with you on that one!

I am quite, as most would say, 'racist' when it comes to the Polish..... I mean, its not really racism, is it? Its 'culturism'. A black man can't help being black, but a Polish can help the way he's an arrogant prick who can't be bothered to even learn our language. Not to mention undercutting the decent British folk when it comes to wages. Then they cram 10 in a 2 bedroom house, this is repeated up the street.... so now, a street that normally have 100 people living there, its now nearly 400 people, times that by a big town & visualize how every single possible service could be affected by this overpopulating.

So yeah..... the Polish. Wankers!


U.S.A: Polish = Mexican (more or less)

LoVeSeNsI said:

Hmmmm.... yeah, I'm gonna have to go right on ahead & disagree with you on that one!

I am quite, as most would say, 'racist' when it comes to the Polish..... I mean, its not really racism, is it? Its 'culturism'. A black man can't help being black, but a Polish can help the way he's an arrogant prick who can't be bothered to even learn our language. Not to mention undercutting the decent British folk when it comes to wages. Then they cram 10 in a 2 bedroom house, this is repeated up the street.... so now, a street that normally have 100 people living there, its now nearly 400 people, times that by a big town & visualize how every single possible service could be affected by this overpopulating.

So yeah..... the Polish. Wankers!


U.S.A: Polish = Mexican (more or less)

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I think he meant more on the lines of not throwing everyone into one category. You can't say all Polish are wankers just like you can't say that about any other race/ culture/ group. No matter where you go there will always be some good and some bad.

Mr Kush said:

I think he meant more on the lines of not throwing everyone into one category. You can't say all Polish are wankers just like you can't say that about any other race/ culture/ group. No matter where you go there will always be some good and some bad.

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In England, all Polish take the piss. I don't know how they act in their country, but they aren't making a very good impression here.