I've been guinea pig to many docs and drugs since the 70's it was valium and for some bizarre reason dilantin, I'd never had a seizure so fuck if I can recall why. I was only 15-16 at the time......lol...how to manage a 'problem child' I guess. Now as I look back the only problem was that that 'kid' could not give voice to the emotional pain that was internalized. Then at 16-17 began to self medicate with alcohol and weed, work well until about 85 or so and in looking back I see the alcohol had taken control. The weed interfered with my drinking, couldn't drink as much. Then I was fucked, nothing worked, of course there were other drugs interspersed throughout the same period. In hindsight near bit it more than once... In 92 went into 'drydock',had a complete crash and burn. Then the pharma drugs came into the picture. In 92 Tofranil (Imipramine) for about 3-4 months until I got a 'grip' again. Then starting in about 95 I went to the doc and shared what I was feeling and believe it was Zoloft at that time, lasted maybe 1 month. Couldn't handle the headaches/side effects. Then in 96 it was Prozac, Again side effects led me to quit before it 'hijacked' my brain...lol.. Stayed off the ssri's for awhile, about 18 months. Then it was Celexa, not sure of the year probably 98, fuck me that was the worst I felt in a long time, jumped of that ship within 3-4 weeks. Told the doc there was no way I was going back to that. Then in 2000 the doc I was seeing said we'll try paxil along with a benzodiazepine clonazepam. Only took the benzo very sparingly as it left me a zombie and I had to be functional. In about 2003 I asked the doc if we could explore getting off the meds, I told him why and he suggested we try Effexor. Being naive I said sure. Found out the Effexor had a real short half-life and if I accidentally missed a dose while out on the road I'd be fucked. So it was back to the Paxil in 04, also all along this time with a prescription to clonazepam. I still only used it very sparingly a I did not like being zombified. the highest dose of Paxil I believe I got up to was 30 mg. a day in about 06. Then I began to realize just how these 'happy pills' were effecting me and became determined to come off. over the next couple years I got down to 10 mg. Paxil. I'd say that was 2011, I'd get to 5 mg. but the withdrawal symptoms forced me back to 10 mg. Then a well meaning doc suggested we switch to Prozac as it had a tremendously long half life when compared to the others. Only problem was my body could not take any more ssri's. My body/brain went into full revolt. I developed serotonin syndrome and had to stop all ssri's...The first year of cold turkey was a hell I would not wish on my 'worst enemy'. The only course of treatment then was a hefty dose of benzos, now it was clonazepam daily. I attempted to keep my dosage as low as possible. I was prescribed 0.5 mg, x2 a day. for about 6 months I used the full amount, then I went down to 3/4 of the dosage but when I got to 1/2 the RDD I'd get withdrawal symptoms and the effects of the serotonin syndrome would flare. I forgot to mention that in about 2011/12 I had found that burning a little herb had fantastic results in quelling the 'demons'. Had a fuck of a time trying to get off the clonazepam. Started researching and found I had to switch over to valium first, then reduce dosages over an extended period. Two 0.5 mg clonazepam are equal to 20 mg valium. I came across an old bottle from November 2013 for 20 mg. valium. Now I'm down to 10 mg. valium but find I've been taking it for too long and now it is losing it's efficacy. The symptoms of the 'syndrome' rears its ugly head occasionally. The only thing that works is herb so I went to my doc and we agreed that a prescription of herb was in order to stop this madness. So now that I Finally have a scrip for herb I believe I can finish my taper of the valium and let my brain heal to the best of its ability. Hopefully the damage is not permanent. I've read numerous articles and papers that essentially say it's a 'crap shoot' as to whether the healing will take place. I'm hoping that it will, with the help of the herb I'll not only get through with the psychotropics, but my brain will actually heal to pre-ssri/benzo condition...... Time will tell.