First relationship, first breakup.

Hello fello RIU'ers..My name is Kito Irl..My girlfriend and I just seperated after a year and a half. I had been living with her...not paying rent, not being able to. I have an addiction to benzodiazepines that have crippled my ability to function without their help in society. The withdrawals have made me steal, they've made me a liar..and before the addiction i was none of those things. I was ready to go in the marines. I had a school schedule for a tech degree in Mechatronics at a community college.

There's a lot more to the story, for instance there are misdemeanor's on my record that have kept me from getting well-paying jobs. I'm used to manufacturing/warehouse work.

I can't stop having anxiety attacks, my heart won't stop beating out of my chest, i can't stop thinking about her, i have so much guilt and regret from what i owe in our relationship it's unfathomable. I've been self-medicating off the streets..somewhere around 6 months into living together i started to get really bad anxiety. Built by false pride on my part and the fact that she would put me in my place about how i should be paying rent. And i knew this, but she was very mean about how she told me what she wanted out of a boyfriend. Since she was my first girlfriend, i think i became a little too co-dependent while living with her.
The living circumstances without her are staying with my dad in a 1 bedroom apt. Which i can't complain about. People out there have it much worse.

I'm looking for rookie, probably common sense advice on what i should be doing to get my mind off this girl. I can't stop wanting and feeling bad about finances and swore to pay her back eventually. I can't think straight and the days have been blurring together i just numb myself so i don't get heartbroken more so than i feel already. If i didn't take a klonopin at least once..twice..three times a day even, i think my heart literally will break. I've had panic attacks in the relationship, i've also had seizures when withdrawing from benzo's because when i don't sleep it increases that risk. They're not heriditary seizures. I can't cold turkey these but without a job and no health insurance It's been hard to stay afloat mentally. I feel manic sometimes. I get extremely down on myself and have crying fits that come out of no where and i can't stop unless distracted almost.

It's just been a rough year job-wise and up and down with this girlfriend,with whom i broke up with today...plus a little addiction. If i could go back in time i'd have never touched a pill i swear to God; should have stuck with just the herbal.

So..this was kind of me just telling part of my story and seeing if anyone had a similar one. Feel free to share all stories, or change up the topic..I'm really in need of getting straight mentally and I feel like writing things out, on a forum, piece of paper, w/e, will help. Thanks.

I fought with Benzo's. Worse than Heroin, I don't give a fuck what anyone says.
Get focused. Start looking for a job HARD.
Put this chick out of your mind for the time being as best as you can.
You have to focus on YOU.
STOP taking Klonopin during the day. Take it once daily and ONLY at night.
It's got a long half-life and will be in your system the next day. You won't be in withdrawl, and you'll feel clear headed. You'll have ENERGY and a clear head.
Put on some headphones, find an old ten speed, oil it, bring the tires up to pressure and ride that bike. EVERY DAY.
NO EXCUSES.
You feel sad? RIDE THE FUCKING BIKE!
You feel anxious? RIDE THE FUCKING BIKE!
You get Bored- RIDE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BIKE!

Do a mix of easy riding, and hard riding.
Just push yourself a little harder each ride.
If you find a cool route you like to take, start keeping time and keep trying to do it in better time.

Trust Me. If you want to get better, there is nothing better for mind, body, and spirit than exercise.
The buzz is incredible. It will clear your mind and help you to focus on what you've got to do.
Underneath it all you'll get a sense of pride in the fast progress you'll make riding.
You won't always FEEL like riding, but you'll ALWAYS feel better after you ride.

Everything will fall into place in it's own time after that.

When I first quit I was riding 2-3 times a day. Introduced a socially awkward type guy to biking, and we've been friends ever since. We were riding 30 miles a day 4-6 times a week. We'd go out at 2am and ride till the sun came up. I needed a friend, and he needed someone to get him out of his shell. It worked out good. We ended the year with a 98 mile trip to Lake Michigan. Did it in 8 hours. We averaged 22 miles an hour over the last 15 miles when we went balls to the walls.

It'll get your endorphins going, and actually makes the klonopin work better believe it or not.
You won't have to take as many, and the ones you do take will give you that euphoric feeling that they used to.
Take however many you would take during the day at once at night. Use it as a TREAT. Know that if you make it through the day and ride that you'll have that chill time.
Life isn't easy, and time management is a bitch when you're not working.

The good thing about Klonopin is the long Half-Life. You can take it all at night and be fine the next day instead of being all fucked up and foggy headed.
You've got to learn to enjoy feeling clear headed.

Ride the hell out of that bike, Take the meds only at night and at the SAME TIME, and watch things slowly fall into place.

Better than going to NA, listening to sob stories and being surrounded by other users.
That shit is depressing.
It'll work for you if you work it. Promise you that.
Maybe we'll meet up and ride one day when you get your miles up.

Peace.
Tav

Taviddude said:

I fought with Benzo's. Worse than Heroin, I don't give a fuck what anyone says.
Get focused. Start looking for a job HARD.
Put this chick out of your mind for the time being as best as you can.
You have to focus on YOU.
STOP taking Klonopin during the day. Take it once daily and ONLY at night.
It's got a long half-life and will be in your system the next day. You won't be in withdrawl, and you'll feel clear headed. You'll have ENERGY and a clear head.
Put on some headphones, find an old ten speed, oil it, bring the tires up to pressure and ride that bike. EVERY DAY.
NO EXCUSES.
You feel sad? RIDE THE FUCKING BIKE!
You feel anxious? RIDE THE FUCKING BIKE!
You get Bored- RIDE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BIKE!

Do a mix of easy riding, and hard riding.
Just push yourself a little harder each ride.
If you find a cool route you like to take, start keeping time and keep trying to do it in better time.

Trust Me. If you want to get better, there is nothing better for mind, body, and spirit than exercise.
The buzz is incredible. It will clear your mind and help you to focus on what you've got to do.
Underneath it all you'll get a sense of pride in the fast progress you'll make riding.
You won't always FEEL like riding, but you'll ALWAYS feel better after you ride.

Everything will fall into place in it's own time after that.

When I first quit I was riding 2-3 times a day. Introduced a socially awkward type guy to biking, and we've been friends ever since. We were riding 30 miles a day 4-6 times a week. We'd go out at 2am and ride till the sun came up. I needed a friend, and he needed someone to get him out of his shell. It worked out good. We ended the year with a 98 mile trip to Lake Michigan. Did it in 8 hours. We averaged 22 miles an hour over the last 15 miles when we went balls to the walls.

It'll get your endorphins going, and actually makes the klonopin work better believe it or not.
You won't have to take as many, and the ones you do take will give you that euphoric feeling that they used to.
Take however many you would take during the day at once at night. Use it as a TREAT. Know that if you make it through the day and ride that you'll have that chill time.
Life isn't easy, and time management is a bitch when you're not working.

The good thing about Klonopin is the long Half-Life. You can take it all at night and be fine the next day instead of being all fucked up and foggy headed.
You've got to learn to enjoy feeling clear headed.

Ride the hell out of that bike, Take the meds only at night and at the SAME TIME, and watch things slowly fall into place.

Better than going to NA, listening to sob stories and being surrounded by other users.
That shit is depressing.
It'll work for you if you work it. Promise you that.
Maybe we'll meet up and ride one day when you get your miles up.

Peace.
Tav

Click to expand...

That is some great advice. I have a jump rope and other exercise equipment, believe it or not...no bike.
I agree fully with klonopin..lately on the streets there has only been Xanax which is the hardest hitting, shortest lasting of the benzo's. The thing's that got me into this mess probably...
I will be seeing a family doctor early Sept. and i'll try and get on a tapering program. Exercising used to be my heroin. I used to do parkour and plyometrics..i used to jump rope and had some boxing training.
Ultimately my goal is to get back to my healthy, sober, clear minded self. Thankyou for that advice, i'm more motivated to get better than before your post.

If i can get my hands on a used bike i will ASAP.

Life is rough. Now get a job.

dannyboy602 said:

Life is rough. Now get a job.

Click to expand...

Yeah, that's helpful... /rolleyes

OP: I've never experienced your addiction, but I've had my own. Like one of the other posters said; find a distraction. Exercise is a good outlet. It takes time to build the habit, but you'll start getting into the habit eventually. Use your urge to pay your ex back as a goal to focus on; it's the right thing to do and you get an achievable goal to divert your attention towards.

As far as the breakup issues go. The only answer is time. You don't just stop caring about someone because the relationship ended. With some people, that feeling never truly dies. You just learn to care about someone else. At this point, I'd say your mission is to be the person someone else would want to be with. This doesn't mean changing who you are, but it does mean seeking self-improvement.

I started riding on an old Schwin Continential. Ugly as hell and the thing must have weighed 100 pounds, but it rolled.
The good thing about biking is you get to cover so much ground.
Jogging truly is the ultimate, but it's hard to get into. Progress can be slow and sometimes you feel like you're not getting anywhere.

Whatever works for you man. Get back into the things that you did before your life got crazy. You owe it to yourself.

Yessir. I would not care about the looks of the bike..honestly. If i could get my dad to help pay for a cheap used one you have my word i'll be riding one by the end of next week. Jogging is indeed slow..and hard to get into. I used to run cross country but my stamina is 1/4 of what it used to be. Thankyou again for the responses and advice guys. It helps ease my mind as well as gives me ideas.

kpmarine said:

Yeah, that's helpful... /rolleyes

OP: I've never experienced your addiction, but I've had my own. Like one of the other posters said; find a distraction. Exercise is a good outlet. It takes time to build the habit, but you'll start getting into the habit eventually. Use your urge to pay your ex back as a goal to focus on; it's the right thing to do and you get an achievable goal to divert your attention towards.

As far as the breakup issues go. The only answer is time. You don't just stop caring about someone because the relationship ended. With some people, that feeling never truly dies. You just learn to care about someone else. At this point, I'd say your mission is to be the person someone else would want to be with. This doesn't mean changing who you are, but it does mean seeking self-improvement.

Click to expand...

Broke up with a girl 10 years ago, still have feelings for her. Can't have her on Facebook, or talk to her, see her, or anything. Had two serious relationships after we broke up, I'm in one now, going on three years; and I love her to death. Amazing girl, we connect on so many levels; but I still can't shake the feeling that the one that got away may have been 'the one'. Fucked up.

So, I hear ya, bro. lol

Listen to Taviddude. If I could give one "magic bullet" for most personal problems (most of all relationships), it's hard exercise. It just filters down positively into so many aspects of your life. If you want to feel better, here are the steps:

1) Hard exercise in the morning.
2) Chill with headphones on after working out and listen to David Deangelo's "On Being a Man" audiobook (sounds cheesy but it's necessary to hear another voice than the negative one inside your head).
3) Spend the rest of your day directly tackling tasks that have been piling up (it helps to make lists).
4) Repeat every day.

Problem over. Trust me.

I booted heroin for 3 years straight, and i lost everything by the end of the third year. Family, friends, material goods, and worst of all i had lost myself.

My only advice is that you will stop ONLY when you truly want to stop, when you look into the mirror and cannot stand the person looking back at you. When you really want to try to be who you are, a good person, a loving person and a trustworthy person.

If you can do that before you end up in jail and lose everything, it would be so much better for you in the long run. It takes a very long time for those you love to regain their trust in you, years... if ever. Some people may never want to be in your life again, a constant reminder of the mistakes we made in the past, and how much it costs us to waver from the true path of who we really are, and who we really want to be.

All in all, it's up to you, no matter what anyone here on RIU says, or what anyone tells you in the real world. It's all you, and it is your decision, you just have to make it. And when you do, you will have no one to thank but yourself, and the people in your life that love you too much to ever give up on you.

Good luck dude, my heart goes out to you.

Also, the only real way to stop if you are serious about stopping... is that you have to distance yourself from the people and places that are enablers to your drug use. To me, that was the hardest thing to do... to stop hanging with some of my best friends, but man, trust me... it's the only way. If anything, take that advice the most serious.

But seriously benzos are bad man they destroy ur ability to sleep naturally. The other stuff will fall into place just do one thing at a time. Geez, kids today. Thank god I forgot to have them.

Yeah, they pretty much take away every last shred of mental coping mechanisms you have. It's hard to rebuild your mental faculties to the point where you can deal with even the smallest stress normally. It takes a while depending on how long you've been on them, and how you used them.
Taking them throughout the day is the worst. When you get used to taking that pill just to deal with normal stress and everyday things you lose the ability to deal with them without it. Quitting benzo's is just HORRIBLE. The withdrawl is HORRIBLE. Like you're not in control of your thoughts AT ALL. Hallucinations, delusions, racing thoughts ALL DAY LONG, physically being sick, total loss with realit, Scary. I went through it all and kept it to myself for the most part. It's obviouse when you're having manic episodes thinking you've figured out the secrets of the universe, or that God is talking directly to you and you haven't slept for 3 days. I got forcefead a few Klonopin at that point and BAM, all was good. Don't cold turkey if you've been using a while I guess is the moral to that story. Your brain just goes haywire.
Aside from that, the psychological damage takes SO LONG to repair. Can take weeks, months, or even years for the anxiety/panic attacks to go away and to get back to feeling "normal".
I got physically sick, and weak in the knees when the doctor told me that. Like, "Are you fucking kidding me" I can't live like this. He talked me into taking some at night just to keep the withdrawl away. It worked, and I realized that I got all the way through the day without feeling like I NEEDED it until about 9pm which is when I would take them.
Gotta remind yourself that there is such a thing as Good Stress.

Hmmm didn't know the 'other' names of those drugs.

I used to take Clonazepam, lorazapam, and Diazapam for shits and giggles.... guess I never found them addictive..... but then again, when I was doing them I had access to copious amounts of Ecstacy, Cocaine, and Ketamine - so I guess I kept busy with other stuff? LOL


Hind sight, I guess it wasn't really all that funny. It took me about 3 years to feel normal again after my year of binging...

So you had a relationship and it failed miserably. You fucked up. You broke it. Get over it. You will do it another five times before you finally find true love. Uh.. six times.

What a bitch... Trying to tell you to pay rent. Doesn't she know you need your goddamn bennies?
Sincerely Chewberto

You need to work on "yourself" and no one else...I read a book by the author Maryann Williamson called " A Return To Love" that helped me as I transitioned out of a 10 year relationship that I was the cause of its demise...I wish you luck...it's all about YOU right now...g/l

I, much like you, was prescribed benzos for an anxiety condition.
And i, just like you, became addicted to those benzos.
I also (just like you) had a cold hearted bitch break my heart right around that time, making it spiral out of control.

My advice *for what its worth* is not only attempt with renewed vigor to procure a job, but you NEED to find something productive to fill that void.
We are predictable creatures of habit and emotion... When a part of our routine, or regular daily/core functioning is changed or removed, it creates a void.
When a void is created we seek to fill it, and with an addiction/addictive personality the first instinct is to fill the void with that. This is ill-advised.
A hobby, meditation and growing personally works for me. But anything you can do to distance yourself mentally and occupy your time/energy.
I wont insult you and say "just forget her", neither will i lie to you and tell you it will be either. Both of those are the farthest from the truth.
But we all do what we must, and it must be remembered that this is the end of one thing, not the end of all things.
And where one journey ends, another has already begun.

My advice is to not put the blame on others. Always look inward and take responsibility for your own situation. I sympathize with the heart break thing, most of us have gone through it, I did. Time heals. While you are hurting, look for some sort of distraction to take your mind off it. Physical exercise is a great thing, it clears your mind and makes everything work better.

Hang in there, it gets better.

Wow, first breakup, and drug addiction? It's harsh. Sometimes it's rock bottom that brings change.

Good luck to you. Forget about the girl. Get you straight. You can never have a meaningful relationship as long as you depend on another. 1+1=2, except in most relationships. No second halves, no better parts. Be true to you, before ever being true to another. Otherwise, they only love you for who you pretend to be. Alanis Morisette - " I don't want to be your second half, I believe 1 and 1 make 2."