You're a nice person, and I want to help you be happy any way I can
Anyone else relate?
I never just liked bars...too loud, too crowded, too chaotic.
I am exactly the same. I just don't go. The only times I've been I could probably count on one hand and it was for the purpose of supervising my mother.
When i did go out I enjoyed the dance-club scene. Nothing made me happier then when girls danced with me...I considered it a rush, like sex, getting excited and everything
I have to say it's nice getting a little attention. HOWEVER, these people are not really interested in you, I'm sorry. Those girls are most likely trying to boost their self esteem gyrating around you.
Sometimes I think...maybe I'm sorta autistic. As a little kid, I had a HUGE imagination and would play by myself often rather than with others...with toy cars and tonka trucks and tools...you know, little boy stuff. During car rides, my mom said I'd just gaze out the window and avoid talking to her often...she actually told me as an adult that she expressed her concern to my pediatrician about it... lol
I am on the autistic spectrum myself. It's a sociocommunicative disorder that affects your ability to socialize /interact 'appropriately' with other people (you did mention you found it hard to 'read' when girls were actually giving you good signals). It can also affect you physically. I am hypersensitive to alot of things, have a visual perception disorder/dyslexia ((ASDs often come with something like full blown OCD though ASDs often incorporate OCD traits anyway), frequent panic attacks, hate things being disordered or changed (routine, the cutlery/crockery I use or how my food is prepared/handled)tend to miss the big picture and focus on details, always played by myself, you tend to interpret things differently somehow to how the general populus might. ASD kids are often highly intelligent despite having learning difficulties and trouble expressing themselves, but girls are good at masking their symptoms because of inherently higher emotional intelligence and using linguistic ability to cover up shortfalls.
I'e even cried because the lines in my textbook made me 'feel weird' the way they intersected, or I get overloaded because I can 'see' orthographic projections drawing themselves from building sometimes and the angles and intersections feel like they are encroaching on my brain. I can totally freak out if I get crowded, or too many people are trying to talk to me. I'm a little funny about how I am touched. Either I will totally freak out if someone brushes past me but I'm extremely tactile with people I like. I can feel where something has touched me in one place for hours afterwards. Like if you were to touch my hand, sometimes it can drive me crazy that I'm still aware of that spot and the sensation isn't spread evenly everywhere, like it's blaringly obvious. Arrg. I can feel alienated, like no one understands me or be left wondering 'what the hell did I do wrong this time'. ASD kids are often told they behave 'inappropriately'. Sometimes I overload and lash out or withdraw. I like black and white thinking, solidarity and the theoretical makes my head spin because there are just too many variable and it makes my fucking head hurt. I identify better with animals. Did you know Temple Grandin wrote many books (Animals in Translation, Animals Make us Human etc) comparing the autistic mind to that of nonhuman animals. This might explain why so many members of the therianthropic community are on the autistic spectrum, like myself... So much more I could say but don't wanna thread jack.
^
So, if any of this sounds familiar, or you can identify with it, it is quite possible you are on the spectrum. The most frustrating thing is being intelligent enough to know your feelings, sensory experiences and behaviors are 'illogical' but most of the time being powerless to fix or ignore your own symptoms. Then getting people to understand that yes you are smart and self-aware, but there a places when you need people to be understanding and you might need help.. Learning to then accept the help can be hard, too.
And fuck them, do you WANT to hook up with some girl sitting around getting drunk, willing to go off with anyone, hunting for a piece of man/wallet?
You might find a hobby and find a proactive girl with other interests than drunken debauchery at the gym or fencing club or something. Or you stay at your computer and find yourself someone who connects with you, doesn't just say things to get in your pants telling you what you want to hear or trying to sway you with their body. Sometimes the computer helps you find the human side of people, encourages a little honesty when you think you might not have to deal with that person face to face, especially for us isolated, autistic people.
Hey... worked for me and Tip Top xxx
