Anyone know any jokes?

Steve French said:

Well, I was referring to the RCMP, but that works too.

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Fuck...AMBER ALERT?

I better go put on my disguse so I look LESS rapie...


I think the glasses really bring out the seriousness in my eyes...

Q: What has 100 teeth and holds back a monster ?

A: my zipper !

Q: What's the difference beetween infatuation, lust and love ?
A: spitting, swallowing and showing off gargling

Q: what's better than a rose on your piano ?

A: tulips on your organ

this guy walks up to a 5 year old kid and he says, "hey kid you shouldn't eat so much candy"

the kid says "my Grand father lived to be 100 years old"

the man says "did he eat a lot of candy?"

the kid says "no, he knew how to keep his fucking mouth shut!"

Commander Strax said:

this guy walks up to a 5 year old kid and he says, "hey kid you shouldn't eat so much candy"

the kid says "my Grand father lived to be 100 years old"

the man says "did he eat a lot of candy?"

the kid says "no, he knew how to keep his fucking mouth shut!"

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bahahahahahahahahahahaha - THAT is great!

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?







Washing machines don't follow you around for a week after you throw a load in them ...

Little Johnny and his brother decide to start using swear words. One morning they go down with a plan to swear first thing.
Their mother already waiting in the kitchen asks the boys "What'll you boys like for breakfast?"
Little Johnny's brother says "shit, some cheerios bitch" ,
his mother smacked the shit outta him . He Flew out the chair.
She then ask Johnny " what about you ?"
Little Johnny looks at her and says , " whatever it is- it's not goddamn fucking cheerios!"

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The polar bear says, "Oh, I'll have a rum-- ... ... ... and Coke."

The bartender replies, "Sure, but... why the big pause?"

The polar bear responds, "Oh, these? I've always had these."

...

It works better when it's verbal...

which one doesn't belong in the group?

Meat, Wife, Blow Job









it is Blow Job, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your Wife , you can not beat a Blow Job!

Lol ^^

What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?

A live one at the bottom of the pile eating it's way out!

Pinworm said:

What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?

A live one at the bottom of the pile eating it's way out!

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Reminds me of my child hood

Whats grosser than gross Siamese twins connected at the mouth

Whats grosser than that one of them throws up

Whats grosser then that? A mother giving her kid a used tampon to use as a crayon

Whats grosser than that? sitting on grandpas lap and talking about the first thing that pops up

ThE sAtIvA hIgH said:

i was in walmart today and saw this blind man pick up his dog and start swinging it around his head , so i ran over and said 'what the fuck are you doing ' he said 'he was just having a look around'

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hahaha i giggled

whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pants ?














your mum !

Q. Why did the stoner cross the road?
A. Cause the grass is greener on the other side!


Q. Why was Jesus not born in Mexico?
A. Cause they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin!

Hollywood is like a bowl of cereal,
it's full of fruits, nuts and flakes!


Q. What is the quickest way out of West Hollywood?
A. Go straight!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband: - I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: - What is her height?
Husband: - I’ve no idea. About so high??
Inspector:-Slim build or big set?
Husband:-Not slim; I suppose a bit on the plump side.
Inspector:-Colour of eyes?
Husband:-Never really noticed; probably brown.
Inspector:-Colour of hair?
Husband:-Changes according to the mood or season.
Inspector:-What was she wearing?
Husband:-Not sure whether it was a blue dress or skirt - or maybe jeans.
Inspector:-Was she driving?
Husband:-Yes.
Inspector: describe the car? . . . . .
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6; 333 horse power; eight-speed tiptronic gearbox. Alcantara beige leather seats with heat and ventilation, full Satnav, full LED headlights and has a very thin scratch on the front left door just below the handle.….and then the husband started sobbing...
Inspector: don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.