A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,

''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''.

herbose said:

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and.................. coke”.

The bartender asks, “what’s with the huge pause?”

The bear say, “I’ve had them all my life.”

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Oh great, a coked up bear, LOL.

The Metro Beat reporter heard a rumor about a fellow who lived in the nearby countryside. This fellow was becoming a local sensation by being a blind skydiver. The reporter gains permission for an interview. Ater the usual pleasantries, the topic turns toward the obvious.
"How do you manage to skydive blind?"
"I pack my chute by touch, and a sighted friend is always at hand to oversee that."
"How do you know when to jump?"
"Like anyone else, I wait for the jumpmaster's command."
How do you know when to pop your chute?"
"That's the best part. At one thousand feet ... not eight hundred, not twelve ... I can begin to smell the ground. Dust, grass, car exhaust. That's my signal."
"And how do you know when to brace for landing?"
"Oh ... that's easy. Dog's leash goes slack."
cn

The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to insure that the young man knew who was in charge.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --"


and the farmer shot him.

potpimp said:

Great jokes Herbose!!

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Stay tuned pp, I got a million of 'em.

cannabineer said:

The Metro Beat reporter heard a rumor about a fellow who lived in the nearby countryside. This fellow was becoming a local sensation by being a blind skydiver. The reporter gains permission for an interview. Ater the usual pleasantries, the topic turns toward the obvious.
"How do you manage to skydive blind?"
"I pack my chute by touch, and a sighted friend is always at hand to oversee that."
"How do you know when to jump?"
"Like anyone else, I wait for the jumpmaster's command."
How do you know when to pop your chute?"
"That's the best part. At one thousand feet ... not eight hundred, not twelve ... I can begin to smell the ground. Dust, grass, car exhaust. That's my signal."
"And how do you know when to brace for landing?"
"Oh ... that's easy. Dog's leash goes slack."
cn

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Not funny but an interesting aside. Modern paratroopers drop their heavy equipmpent on a long strap before they hit the ground. That way they don't land with all that weight on their legs which used to result in a lot of broken legs.
Another aside. My father trained with the very first 82nd airborne paratrooper regiment. Fortunatetely for me he shattered his wrist in a jump and wound up in artillery in Germany in WW2. If not for that I probably wouldn't be here to write this story tonight.

herbose said:

Not funny but an interesting aside. Modern paratroopers drop their heavy equipmpent on a long strap before they hit the ground. That way they don't land with all that weight on their legs which used to result in a lot of broken legs.
Another aside. My father trained with the very first 82nd airborne paratrooper regiment. Fortunatetely for me he shattered his wrist in a jump and wound up in artillery in Germany in WW2. If not for that I probably wouldn't be here to write this story tonight.

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A somewhat humorous event in WWII involving paratroopers happened during the failed Market-Garden Operation, know to some only because of the movie "A Bridge Too Far." On either the second or third day an American fighter aircraft was shot up over one of the American drop zones. The paratroopers in foxholes who were fighting off a German attack saw the fighter aircraft twisting and turning in flames. Some stopped fighting and began to shout JUMP, JUMP, hoping the pilot would parachute from his burning aircraft. He didn't. The fighter skidded to a halt on the drop zone in a flaming belly-landing. The pilot got out of his burning aircraft, ran and dove in a foxhole where some of the American paratroopers had been yelling JUMP, JUMP. The paratroopers asked him why he didn't jump. The pilot said he was to scared to jump. He could try to belly-land a shot up burning aircraft, but he was afraid to jump. The paratroopers got a big laugh out of that one.

RavenMochi said:

†LOL† dude, as fucked up as that is, I'm glad I didn't hear that joke when I had my last cat as a teenager. Giving that bastard a bath was like handling a demon from hell whose sole desire was to tear apart my flesh. I would have heard it, laughed...Then gone serious and starting staring at the toilet, contemplating on wether or not I should try it...damn sure would have saved me some blood loss...

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That reminds me of a post I read some years ago. A noob writes "My cat got into my grow box and knocked my cfl down so I nailed it up in six places."
So I replied "Jesus, if I tried to nail my cat up in six places I'd be a bloody mess."

Brick Top said:

A somewhat humorous event in WWII involving paratroopers happened during the failed Market-Garden Operation, know to some only because of the movie "A Bridge Too Far." On either the second or third day an American fighter aircraft was shot up over one of the American drop zones. The paratroopers in foxholes who were fighting off a German attack saw the fighter aircraft twisting and turning in flames. Some stopped fighting and began to shout JUMP, JUMP, hoping the pilot would parachute from his burning aircraft. He didn't. The fighter skidded to a halt on the drop zone in a flaming belly-landing. The pilot got out of his burning aircraft, ran and dove in a foxhole where some of the American paratroopers had been yelling JUMP, JUMP. The paratroopers asked him why he didn't jump. The pilot said he was to scared to jump. He could try to belly-land a shot up burning aircraft, but he was afraid to jump. The paratroopers got a big laugh out of that one.

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Aaah, a student of history, I LIKE that.

I have an unrelated question: I'm laying here under the mosquito net with only a small amount of whiskey left in tonights last bottle (it's 9:22 pm and all the village stores are closed). I reach over and grab my glass and bottle and start pouring. The whiskey goes all over the floor. I think "Shit, I missed the glass." I move the glass and bottle closer to me and try again. The whiskey goes all over the floor again! I move the glass and bottle into the only light available which is from my laptop. The fucking glass is upside down!
My question is: "Should I lick the whiskey off the wooden floor?"


I kid you not! That just happened to me.

herbose said:

Not funny but an interesting aside. Modern paratroopers drop their heavy equipmpent on a long strap before they hit the ground. That way they don't land with all that weight on their legs which used to result in a lot of broken legs.
Another aside. My father trained with the very first 82nd airborne paratrooper regiment. Fortunatetely for me he shattered his wrist in a jump and wound up in artillery in Germany in WW2. If not for that I probably wouldn't be here to write this story tonight.

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Not funny - !?!? Harumph. I say again, haRUMph. I rather liked it. cn
(never a worry ... i know you were referring to your following text. But how can I refuse the opening?)
...I wonder how they know when to drop the pack in blackout conditions.

A penguin was driving through the Mojave, when his Riviera developed concerns. He got it to one of those pustnuclear-movie-set service stations out beyond the middle of nowhere, where a weathered and disturbingly asymmetric desert mutant in overalls set forth to diagnose his car. While mystery noises were floating in from the service bay, the penguin decided that the ice cream chest in the office looked promising. He consumed a vanilla cone, but (being a penguin) the evolution was somewhat messy. While he looked for something resembling a napkin, Overalls popped his head into the office to declare
"Well, it looks to me like you blew a seal."
The penguin held his flippers up in a warding motion and squeaked
"No, no ... it was just ice cream!"
cn

cannabineer said:

A penguin was driving through the Mojave, when his Riviera developed concerns. He got it to one of those pustnuclear-movie-set service stations out beyond the middle of nowhere, where a weathered and disturbingly asymmetric desert mutant in overalls set forth to diagnose his car. While mystery noises were floating in from the service bay, the penguin decided that the ice cream chest in the office looked promising. He consumed a vanilla cone, but (being a penguin) the evolution was somewhat messy. While he looked for something resembling a napkin, Overalls popped his head into the office to declare
"Well, it looks to me like you blew a seal."
The penguin held his flippers up in a warding motion and squeaked
"No, no ... it was just ice cream!"
cn

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Here ya go: [video=youtube;ZUabDrfjATY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUabDrfjATY[/video]

a man walks into a bar ............ouch

Upstaged by a chimp in a suit. Oh, the shame. cn

cannabineer said:

Upstaged by a chimp in a suit. Oh, the shame. cn

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Go to Youtube and check out "monkeyed movies". They are short clips from famous movies and are done with apes as the characters. They have a twist to them and are a real scream. My favs are "The Full Monty", "Men in Black", and "Braveheart", but the rest are good too.

Brick Top said:

A somewhat humorous event in WWII involving paratroopers happened during the failed Market-Garden Operation, know to some only because of the movie "A Bridge Too Far." On either the second or third day an American fighter aircraft was shot up over one of the American drop zones. The paratroopers in foxholes who were fighting off a German attack saw the fighter aircraft twisting and turning in flames. Some stopped fighting and began to shout JUMP, JUMP, hoping the pilot would parachute from his burning aircraft. He didn't. The fighter skidded to a halt on the drop zone in a flaming belly-landing. The pilot got out of his burning aircraft, ran and dove in a foxhole where some of the American paratroopers had been yelling JUMP, JUMP. The paratroopers asked him why he didn't jump. The pilot said he was to scared to jump. He could try to belly-land a shot up burning aircraft, but he was afraid to jump. The paratroopers got a big laugh out of that one.

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That is too funny and scary at the same time. The movie " A Bridge too Far" is based on a book named "The Bridge At Remagen", it's also the bridge where Tom Hanks bought the farm in "Saving Private Ryan."
Enough serious shit, here's a letter (paraphrased) from General Patton to his wife during the occupation. It took me a while to get the joke, but it is brilliant:
Dear Bea,
Today I made a surprise inspection of one of the companies in my command. I walked into the mess hall and noticed that all the soldiers had a fork in their blouse pockets. I asked one what the fork was for, and one soldier told me "Well General, the Captain is a real stickler for hygene so he ordered us to carry a fork and when we want a slice of bread from the loaf on the table we have to use the fork and not our hands." I thought that was very interesting. Later I was walking around and noticed that all the men had a white string coming out of the zippers on their trousers. I asked a Private what the string was for and he said, "Well General, the Captain is a real stickler or hygene and he has us all tie a string to our willies so we don't have to touch it when we pee." I thought about it and asked, "But Private, how do you get it back in your trousers?" He looked left and right sheepishly and said, "I don't know about the other guys sir, but I use my fork."..............................

General George S Patton's headstone should have the inscription: "PEACE IS HELL"

GreatwhiteNorth said:

An Apple a day keeps the...oh wait...nevermind.
-Isn't it ironic the thing that killed Steve Jobs has the initials PC?
-What's the difference between cancer and black people? Cancer gets Jobs.
-His funeral probably won't be a flashy affair

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Boo on the racist joke

tet1953 said:

Boo on the racist joke

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Here's another then.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

GreatwhiteNorth said:

Here's another then.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

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ehh allright..that one's ok LOL