No suspense, just letting things settle.
Ate a little more than 9 grams at about 4:00, They brought me to an expected plane about an hour or so later where I got some stomach problems, held them for a bit and then purged. Lost track of time after that.
When I was very sick with pneumonia, I had very strange dreams, my mind was compressed into two dimentions, not three. I believe that our minds are membranes between two infiinite universes - and was criticized roundly by a large group of folks who heard my assertion - this played heavily in the come on. My mind was "compressed" just as it was in the sickness. It was so funamentaly foreign, so completely out of the thinking process that I grew frightened
I knew I was going to be challenged as wave after wave brought me to new states - and I reached an...... edge, I knew I was supposed to jump voluntarily and I could not. As I said, the colors, patterns and all the fancy stuff that I complained about last time were squeezed out, while I was still "I" I fretted, knowing that I was supposted to jump - this was not "going with the flow", this needed to be an effort and a decision and I would not go.
And so the mushroom simply drove me off that cliff, into "not me". Into a realm I have not seen in all my years of taking such substances. I was not "one" with the universe, I was one with what I am and what we all are. I had fleeting glimpses of ultimate truth. I was incapable of participating, and my wife says I said nothing for hours, not moving, not seeing, not feeling, not noticing - trance like is what she said. I felt utter shame at needing to be forced and I believe I wept over it.
But she saw no signs of that.
OF course you all know that time has no meaning in such a state so I can't do the typical count down of hours or minutes that most "trip" reports, I do know that I was not "myself" until late last night and things keep reoccuring, memories of myself overlaid upon other "myselves" layers upon layers of hamony and dischord.
What "I" there was, was constantly being distracted by cracks and gaps through which solid lights or sounds or notions slipped through but it was not right for me to go to those sources of power because it was not proper, it was not appropriate. Some of them were horrifying, some beautiful, all now haunt me and perplex me but with each still more powerful "wave" I was pushed beyond those sights or sounds or "existances". Behind one I was certain was the library of every phycadelic experience I had ever had, perfectly recorded. Had I had the volitiion I lost when I was thrown away, dashed against the infinite within me I would have relived them, Perhaps each in turn, perhaps all at once, Gone to that place and had I been capable of emotion, been happy to do so but my feelings by that time were mute.
There were eons of quiet, stillness and I think those were the troughs between the peaks but each propelled me closer to what I knew was destiny. I have such trouble now with the word I, It doesn't work it has far less meaning and I shouldn't use it but there is no other.
Again, after that coming out from two dimentions, after that final violent - ever ever so violent push into complete chaos, there was nothing but the very core of being, no memory of having been a human being and no expectation of ever being one again, no sorrow, some pity but as I said, eitherr I had no emotions or they were so fleeting as to defy my now sober memory of them.
there was "sense" somewhere before me, if all the distractions were ignored, If what I had become or did not become simply continued to fall, or rise, I don't know which, there would be clarity, certainty, the tiny distances between things would be large and open and beyond these tunnels and passages, these gardens with the gates open and enticing passed by me with both speed and grace, with unknowable perspective but still I was forced to pass them by.
I have always tried to surrender, I found it to be the best way in all things actually, I recalled that I once was so passive I almost choked to death on a piece of meatt, that surrender was so troublingly sweet. In this intance I knew that even the act of surrender is an act of willpower and force and even those acts abraded and disolved as i was propelled to a place that I "remembered" but had yet ever to have seen before.
I never arrived. I was left, beached and in pieces.
I believe now that I was unable to metabolize this stuff as I have always been able to - the experience lasted about 12 hours with the aftermath still leaving me unable to collect myself as I am in normal reality.
I suspect that I was given what I came for but it will be a while before I understand the messages. I am told I spoke many times in the last few hours, talking with some thing, or commenting upon something and the words, only a few at a time were coherent. I suspect then I was in a twilight sleep while still quite high.
I do remember looking at the computer for a bit, thinking it would be nice to communicate with someone here but this became one of those forbidden stops and it was silly beyond measure to consider such folly.
My periferal vision is still filled with after images and my fingers work on their own (quite an interesting power), I have only to conjure the words in my mind and the appear on the screen.
I was given cetain assurances however, a few certainties that were returned to me after all of the unknowns I was subject to.
But clarity is not yet among the gifts. I hae no idea how much sense all this makes, but if anyone can comprehend it is some on this site and I am grateful for all of your presence - as etherial as it is.