The Rui Story

jordann9e

jordann9e

Well-Known Member
Thank to everyone who added to this story!!!


While in Amsterdam, (we almost) starred in POTFEST but, got TOO blowed at the strip club where I met my ex-wife. When she saw my meat was raw, she cut it off!!! I sewed it on, but (it) came back off. Then the ex-wife glued it to her forehead and started to (frantically) run around asking people if they wanted to suck on it. Then everyone went to the dumpster (to look) for scraps of excess marijuana but instead we find - 4 used rubbers, a bottle of quervo, and my shoe. Then (I) grabbed (my) umbrella, headed outside to (rip a) 4 foot bong. (I) took the biggest rip of the day. Next, we went to the Red light district, BUT it was closed ... FOREVER!!!

Meanwhile, back in reality, a flying dog/dragon offered us a ride too Hell and Back and around Gryffindor tower spitting balls of fire. This dog/dragon lit the biggest bong, then passed-out for 420 years and waited for time to slip into memory and memory to conscience conscience to reality here. Now, dog/dragon has a boner which he let Atreyu (touch) because of complete hornyness and slowly slid it up, down, back and forth, inside and out, and across five feet of sandpaper, with brocken glass bits repeativly. (He) bled all over the cockpit while we were 30,000 feet above Earth. Baked as fuck, flying around looking for Jerry Garcia's grave. so figured we had to Dig him up and smoke some wicha dog!!

Then the kangaroos came and you know what happened... they kicked us in the fuckin balls for not sharing buds. So we ate them and tripped for hours. Then we saw ninjas, psychadelic ninjas, dressed in rasta colors, turning invisible in the sunlight, but glowing RED at nighttime. Finally, when the marijuana monkeys came to the grow room, they threw poop, Fox Farm nutes, and Fox Farm soil in the air because of roid rage. Then they ate the evidence cuz po-po was (sayin 'Do It!') or you'll be sorry. So then we (went to) eat at Psychedelic Shrooms, but their pizza sucked, so they pulled out guns to rob old people and young people alike. Then we pulled down our pants and scared everyone away.

We had to light up a fat blunt to chill the fuck out and relax like Max. But (then) a dolphin appeared, dressed like Frank Sinatra, and started doing an Irish Jig while playing motha fuckin Guitar Hero 3 in front of mom. Naked. Stroking her favorite pussy while mom got off. Dad watched from corner recording with his camera thinking only about youtube. Then the battery exploded in his hand, killing him and the acid burned off his face and hands, so he called president bush, Marc Emery, and Donald Duck to have the wierdest threesome ever. Pity they were guys, with very small dicks using tiny anal probes in each other's ears to get their jollies.

But it didn't work until they found an oil rig in Bush's favorite hiding place, Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch! Where he drinks 'Jesus Juice' and (allegedly) rapes small boys up the butt and mouth. Little does Michael know that his sister Janet farted so loud that it became a mega-hit and American Bandstand was still very gay yet they still dance SSSS-AAAA-FFFF-EEEE-TTTTT-YYYY dance on a river of radishes grown in shoepolish. Along came this llama with the flu who talked like Yoda drunk off rice beer: "Pissy drunk, I am. An erection have I." Better go to the doctor, or it could result in indigo balls. No fucking lie, bro. And I mean INDIGO. Look in my eyes they're indigo, too.

Moral to the story is: never, EVER, EVER smoke meth. It causes ADHD at it's greatest, and happiness at the least. Or crystal dick. Better yet, crystal pussy! Pussy? I like pussy boys and butch girls with dicks. Big ones that glow in the dark and vibrate, 'buzz' that women seek greedily, with batteries not needed. Carefully, when night falls I sneak out to hide bodies in marshmellows. Add 6 cups rice crispys and wow. WOW, indeed said the stoner. After hitting some potent pubic hair he found laced with fresh dingleberries in a phone booth change slot to avoid the cops he pretended to call his fathers-brothers-cousins-sisters-nephews-shrinks-formal roommate. I laughed till i farted the psychadelic pizza remains.

Confused, and trapped I succumbed to white horse, in case my toes smelled like cheese again. Barely concious, I staggered into a whorehouse. Little did I know... they were all men. After I got fucked by 10 sweedish brutes (sobing like a little girl who lost her blanky) at the same time. I really needed some friendly conversation, or a fat blunt with JD. Even though already ripped, we looked for buds. We looked here we, we looked there, we looked inside our pockets, but we came across only a red rocket. So I googled 'red-rocket' and found porno involving dogs that made me ill and i puked a lil. "Fuck porno!!" I said.

What do we do? I thought about melons but resorted to hand me-downs from Aunt Edna's collection of pocket pussies. I tried one on but it didn't fit around the mass of flesh. So I had to suck it in like daddy told me. Unexpectedly, swishhh, it slid right over me landing on the floor. Fuck it i said, and rolled a blunt-sized homemade pleasure hole. I offered to share for no extra charge so, of course I called all my friends. Even my fathers brothers came. LITERALLY. After 'dinner' all wearing cowboy hats all wearing cowboy hats as part of tradition. Finally I learnt that nobody in the world really gives a shit but that's just life.
 
mastakoosh

mastakoosh

Well-Known Member
that shit is just too funny. good thread idea jd. then a dolphin appeared dressed like frank sinatra doing an irish jig lmao.
 
F

fdd2blk

Well-Known Member
pussy, dick, butt, balls, suck, farted, gay, dick, farted, pussy, ............ sounds like a 7th graders "MAD LIB". lol
 
jordann9e

jordann9e

Well-Known Member
hey... I hade mostly sane ideas... I guess this is what you get when you put creativity in the hands of RUI people... the new story is coming along nicely...

and if i had the means of editing or deleting other peoples crap... I would...

why can't we delete other people's replies on our OWN threads??
 
mastakoosh

mastakoosh

Well-Known Member
there were some subjects on there that even embarrased me and i didnt want to touch them with a ten foot pole. but i agree jd you did good with what you had to work with. and me and the dolphin thing is very dramatic, it is hard to talk about.
YouTube - Humped by a Dolphin
 
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jordann9e

jordann9e

Well-Known Member
NEW RIU STORY WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON!!!

One dark stormy night, at summer camp R.I.U., fdd2blk gave rolling lessons in exchange for free weed obviously. In addition upon arrival, he held a magical skunk #1 bubble hash (making) Lesson. And we all learned the ways of Stinky Killer Monkey. After gettin blowed like a category 5 hurricane, I proceded to CALIGROWN's expo. And got ripped just for a minute before making love to cali And as I rammed my humungeous 10 foot nose into her sweet bowl of wheaties, dragons will not be mentioned. After a quick nap, I decided to roll around in greased flour and then in oatmeal to impress a hermaphrodite dressed like Osama Binladen mated with zz top Then came a DRAGON!! because Aerosmith was busy in rehab... AGAIN. For abusing fire. Among other things. Along the way, I furiously masturbated to pictures of Bob Newheart poolside. I then "splashed" the lifeguard with a huge loogie!! Moving left quickly, he caught it in his right eye. Blind now he walks with a pimp cane and pirate patch. With his new getup he gets a discount at any walmart worldwide. K-mart was closer so he walked on over a dead crack harlot and bought 40lbs of instant decaffeinated coffee grounds and jars for farts.

After filling the jars and wiping the leftovers on my upper lip, my dead grandmother called me from hell to ask about her childhood cat, 'Marvin.' Who smoked my stash of PCP one night and went comatose. I said, "Grandma, I hope hell is fun, and tell Hilter 'Hello' and that he's a pansy ass who can't paint my likeness at all!" He just couldnt capture my scary sex predator essence or amazing pedo-smile. Since he only uses tough actin tinactin for his reagan shaped jock itch which has the unmistakable smell of rotten fat children and milk. "Tacos taste good in hell," said Grandma. So I gathered up 10,000 dolphin teeth, ground them up and snorted them. Then according to the prophecy I saw purple elephants swimming in cottage cheese. Then came the flying out of White Castle sixteen vestal virgins. Who were in porn once, throwing tartar sauce and posing for the camera. So I went to Mexico for tequila jello. But they only had poop and peanut soup I said "no gracias" then i flew to cuba for poop and peanut casserole with fancy ritz crackers! Yummy in my tummy! MMM good. Damn good bud I was smokin with a pop can, Mountain Dew like always.

I got so stoned I sobered up, so I decided to get 2 jugs of urine and pour it all onto the neighbors dog, AKA my life partner. His name is cletus and he fulfills me....from behind.. bars...of swiss cheese and razor tipped licorice is full of fleas that bite my neck and fart a lot...give plague to cops what I was told by the mayors gardner was... to KILL EVERYONE!!! So i gladly did a jig while whistling "Reminiscing of My Ex" and slicing my eyeballs with a cheese grater. Collecting the shavings I could finally see everything with 3-D glasses on. After tripping major balls I decided to bake a layer cake of Shrooms, Buds and my aunt's toe mold. Two bites in I loved it! But then I realized that it looked suspiciously like cafeteria food from '89. Ahhhh, 1989. When I last used hairspray while hitting my joint and seeing richard pryor. Spontaneous combustion ignited the fabric softener, which ate holes in my toes and bald spots in my black shoes. No prom for me. But I didn't care my girls in underwear and selling ass. Still, I wish she'd wash my car when asked but she's too lazy. So I bought a hooker and talked quantum physics along with string theory for a couple days. So she shot me when I turned around. Luckily, she missed my Garbage Pail Kids collection. But instead hit my Dungeons and Dragons figurines missing the M*A*S*H collection. Even though they were covered in peanut butter cups and skittles, I still re-inacted the final act of Richard III. Make-up and all, my audience consisted of George W. Bush Look-alikes all participating in the Tranny party.

When I looked at the hamburgers I cought errie chill then exploded in a flash. Then ironman walked up, "Oil my joint, ok?" I quickly abliged while tightening his nuts with my monkey wrench. The cops showed up and joined in. So my boss calls and says, "You're fired for smoking and not once sharing!" I said "That's cool," and then I smoked with my boss finally. You could say I baked his biscuits, man butter and all. So he gave me a full body massage and I freaked out, then demanded a raise. As he elivated my pay rate, we kissed. Feeling very confused I pooped in his desk and pissed R. Kelly style all over his face. Quickly, he stopped the gay innuendo realizing that Hairy orangatangs do not eat foot odor, but do eat meat. So I sliced my wrist, transforming emo crying, whining and whimpering while taking a drag. Then knowm showed up in form of mastakoosh on vegetable/oil powered scooter that was FDD approved and used BurgerKing oil.

Potroast showed up and wiped out the biggest cat litter box ever. Amazed, he offered Jordann a blunt, (a) knife and a toothpick and said which one are you goint to stab yourself with, huh? Sadly he replied "What was the question?" Only to be smacked (repeatedly) receiving 3rd degree five finger slap action. "WHICH ONE ARE YOU GOING TO USE ON MY ASS I SAID!!!" "Lucky for you, both of my ass cheeks have been sewn shut so, no luck there!!," (I replied.) During the next week seven people died of Siberian Butt slugs brought on by Oprah and her talking cooch which she named Gayle. Gayle and I go way back to the cervix, by means of attraction and repulsion. After finally getting head from Russian Olga Keifkeeper, he vanished. Once again, I was young, dumb, and full of hormones, we eloped gracefully for hours. After eating some shrooms we took a walk on the wild side Where the Wild Things Are. The Wild things were in a dark forrest. It was completely infested with croth crickets, alas I can enjoy the taste of butter with half the calories! Violently, the wild things started surround their victim and offer him coupons for the local head-shop where I like to get some head from Miss Stony McFried. After much comtemplation, I realized Miss Stony McFried gave head like a gumless crackhead which I didn't mind because I blew my load on the sidewalk and zekedogg ate it. Stoney likes zeke anyway. Some people in this world have NO CLUE!!!

Anyway, as I went to get a clue I tripped on a dead baby. I said, "(That's) a rather large insult." Before the zombie ate my dangling shoestrings. Then, I bought a candybar, and shoved it up a girls skirt where it has rested and since grew roots. Then I fell into an endless pit of flesh devouring sea monkeys. I wondered why sea monkeys were cool, so I put my hands in the next pile of dog shit looking for The Great never ending cannabis plant (or) answer to life's most critical of problems. Anyway I was tired when I slept for minutes. Rejuvinized, I hunted down some buds to smoke, and stumbled upon the largest stash ever of schwag and cigarettes. So we started exporting premix to the world at $20 a joint. Now everyone is down with the brown and getting sick from the large amounts of mold in the schwag Utilizing it as Penicillin, I cured my gonorrhea, clap, herpes, and AIDS!!!!! Now I do porn commercials. People tell me I should get plastic surgery on my ugly face so that people could actually watch on the new show, but I don't listen.



We'll be working on a new story.. This one's rules are the same as the first two, but this one, you CANNOT/WILL NOT USE THE WORDS I or ME!!

HELP US OUT!!!

https://www.rollitup.org/toke-n-talk/73460-never-ending-story-16.html#post951319
 
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