haha.... everytime I see the title of this thread "PICTURE of YOURSELF THREAD" all I see is "PICTURE YOURSELF THREAD."
Im sooooo baked right now.... drowning my depression and the fear/anxieties of what lays in front of me in smoke this morning! Smoked a couple bowls and now... I ashed the last bowl in my hand, it didnt all come out, some stuck in the bottom, so I packed it down a little bit and trying to finish it.... this last little bit in the bottom of the bowl has provided me with more fatty hits than the previous bowls of the morning.... provided me with visions... past and future... Picturing myself...
past- Im picturing myself happy, forcing the image to the front of my mind... smiling outside in the sunshine, on a mountainside surrounded by wildflowers and a waterfall not far away.... with good friends, perfect temps and a gentle breeze, all smiles and happy to be there just..... there.... the view of the canyon below picture perfect through the leaves of the plants and trees we are surrounded by..... picturing myself....
past- Alone and broken, walking on the side of the road.... a backpack on my back and I wonder why I even bother to have that... walking.... just walking... starving... cold and soaking wet... tired sore and sick. Matted hair, dirty, its 40 degrees out and I have soaked pants and a t shirt on... delerious.... alone, walking to no where, to where ever the road goes... not even wanting a ride... wanting to die.... knowing Im not allowed to... its getting dark and I need to find a rock or good tree to sleep under...... picturing myself....
past- Driving and singing.... singing madly, with passion and full force, because the lyrics, the rhythm, and the beats all are components of myself and they build me up, and I have to let it out... all the emotion and the pain and the love.... turning it up louder and louder as I drive faster and faster... a demonic look in my eyes as they see only the road before me... feeling my pulse pounding and rising faster and faster.... images of my past fly through my mind.... all the pain... all the love.... fills my voice... just as the tears fill my eyes.... not about me... none of it about me.... oh the tragidies of this world... the tragedies of my family.... accelerate through turns... passengers giving me furtive looks, gripping the Oh Shit handle.... flying on, singing on.... picturing myself.....
in the future knowing those memories will be repeated or similar, and that I am blessed to have any of it... scared... I will not live in fear, I will face my fears, shed the tears, and continue to love on.... healing and new pains to come... successes and tragedies. I picture myself.