Nine Years Trapped Inside My Own Head

[CanadianCoyote]

Whoooookay. I usually don't talk about this, as it really makes me sound crazy, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Nine years ago I was a total mess. I was dealing with a lot of shit that a 15-year-old shouldn't have to deal with and I was coming apart at the seams. The doctor put me on anti-depressants and I've been on them ever since. Every day I take a handful of pills that cost disgusting amounts of money and about six months ago I decided that I'd had enough.

I went to my doctor and told him that I wanted out. He said we'd have to ween me off gradually, very very very slowly, as coming off the particular med I'm on can cause some serious problems (not just mental ones). I've been reducing the dose steadily ever since, and it's felt like waking up out of a long and boring dream.

I thought the pills weren't helping my problem, but it seems that they WERE the problem. It seems I've forgotten what it's really like to FEEL things. My happy times are HAPPY, I actually feel GOOD. I'm more motivated to do ANYTHING than I have been in nearly a decade. Sure, I get bummed sometimes, but I know how to deal with it (as I'm not 15 and vulnerable anymore). I feel more social and ambitious and confident, things that I rarely seemed to have before.

What sucks is that every time I reduce my dose, even a bit, I'm sick for at least a week. And not just feeling drowsy and uggy, I mean shaking and occasional puking and downright scary states of mania and depression, switching between the two at a moment's notice. That goes away and I level out, and when it's happening I at least KNOW what's causing it, but it still sucks. When I'm lucky enough to have weed, I find that even smoking one bowl a day (usually when I wake up) helps my mood and the shaking/puking thing. I'm tempted to mention it to the doctor, but I'm not sure how he'd take it.

And, as a side benefit, I've been losing weight like mad. I haven't been doing anything differently with my eating and exercise habits (which really aren't all that bad), but since I've been coming off the meds the weight is just melting off of me. I've lost nearly 25 pounds since January.

Yet, even as I try and free myself my doctor is hinting that I might be happier on another med. Try something new. The idea disgusts me, really. He said I might need them in order to be a stable, happy person. I told him that I have no idea who I am without the meds, so how on Earth am I supposed to know if I need them or not. I really wanna see just WHO THE HELL I AM without expensive and useless happy pills coursing through my veins, making me feel like a zombie. If how I feel NOW is any indication, I think I'll be a better person and I'm positive I'll like myself more.

This Wednesday, I'll be reducing the dose again. After this, I have one more reduction until I'm free. My doctor has warned me that this last few legs are going to be really tough, but I'm determined. As long as I keep an eye on myself I should be okay.

I think anti-depressants are evil. Yes, they can help people - and some people do need them, but doctors pass them out like candy and when you find they don't work they'll just hand you some more. At one point, a few years ago, I was on five different medications (Effexor XR, Welbutrin XL, Abilify, Lamictal, Paxil XR). They did NOTHING. I'd go back to the doctor, say they weren't working, and she'd just hand me something new and ignore me when I said I didn't want to be on anything else. "This'll work in conjuction with the others". I dumped her, obviously, and I managed to get off all but two of them. I got rid of one of those about a year later.

This last med is Effexor XR, and my doctor has told me horror stories about other people who tried to get off of it. Some of them had to open the capsules and take out two of the little beads per day in order to shake it, and they STILL got sick.

I'm gonna do it, though.

Go ahead, make fun of me! I'm a crazy mental patient that's screwing Them All by not taking my meds. That's the attitude people seem to have, anyway...

Love and Peace,
CanadianCoyote

 

[blinkykush]

i'm not gonna make fun of you. mental disorders are a real and serious thing, that effects millions of people everyday. I myself am on a fine cocktail of high grade KUSH and 10mg of lexapro per day. I feel better than I ever have I got on the lexapro 4 months ago because I gave alchohol up and it has helped with the mental implications that the booze can do to your brain over time. well anyways that is good that you feel better getting off of your meds, but keep in mind down the road if you ever gotta get back on it took me 3 different ones to find what works for me. AND you cannot drink on mental meds:_

 

[fdd2blk]

you need more weed. i've been thru something similar. not as extreme but very similar. weed saved me. all those feelings just melt away with 2 good tokes. it works EVERY time. my Dr still gives me pills but i don't take them. i have a "second" Dr now whose advice i follow.

 

[CanadianCoyote]

Anti-depressants DO work very will when kicking alcohol. A good friend of mine who was a serious alcoholic for years responded really well to Lexapro as well. After he did medical detox, that is. Glad to say he's doing great now! Smokes more bud than ever. XD

I don't like drinking all that much, really. Once in awhile I'll get drunk, but not stumbling-falling-down drunk. I like having one or two beer now and then, mostly in the summer when I can enjoy 'em outside.

i'm not gonna make fun of you. mental disorders are a real and serious thing, that effects millions of people everyday. I myself am on a fine cocktail of high grade KUSH and 10mg of lexapro per day. I feel better than I ever have I got on the lexapro 4 months ago because I gave alchohol up and it has helped with the mental implications that the booze can do to your brain over time. well anyways that is good that you feel better getting off of your meds, but keep in mind down the road if you ever gotta get back on it took me 3 different ones to find what works for me. AND you cannot drink on mental meds:_

 

[CanadianCoyote]

Ohh ... I'd LOVE to have more weed. But it's difficult to say "Gee Ma, instead of spending the $120 on my worthless meds, give me that money so I can buy a fat ounce of kick-ass hydro."

My state has a medical marijuana bill on the ballot for this November's election. If that passes, I'm positive I'll qualify. My Ma's only objection to weed is its illegality.

Money is tight as it is, and when I earn a bit of money it usually goes to help with bills or rent or cigs. I'm searching for a job, desperately, but ask anyone else from Michigan - it's easier to find crack cocaine than a job, even a minimum-wage shirt-folding deal at Sears.

you need more weed. i've been thru something similar. not as extreme but very similar. weed saved me. all those feelings just melt away with 2 good tokes. it works EVERY time. my Dr still gives me pills but i don't take them. i have a "second" Dr now whose advice i follow.

 

[fdd2blk]

i love an ice cold beer. i hate getting drunk. i need near-beer. lol

the thing about pot is there are different strains that have different effects on people. so will bring you down, some will pick you up. a lot of people just think "stoned" when you say pot. it's not like that for me. 90% of the time you would not know i was high.

 

[fdd2blk]

Ohh ... I'd LOVE to have more weed. But it's difficult to say "Gee Ma, instead of spending the $120 on my worthless meds, give me that money so I can buy a fat ounce of kick-ass hydro."

My state has a medical marijuana bill on the ballot for this November's election. If that passes, I'm positive I'll qualify. My Ma's only objection to weed is its illegality.

Money is tight as it is, and when I earn a bit of money it usually goes to help with bills or rent or cigs. I'm searching for a job, desperately, but ask anyone else from Michigan - it's easier to find crack cocaine than a job, even a minimum-wage shirt-folding deal at Sears.

i hope for the best in Nov. then you can spend your med money on grow lights.

 

[Stinkystu]

I hear ya man...Im a partially disabled Vet. and Ive been suffering from 1 or more disorders for the past 9 years. My doctor put me on somthing like Cyto-lopram or somthing along those lines and within 3 weeks I felt like a zombie. I went back for my monthly check-up and refused any and all drugs. after about 8 months of becoming more and more reclusive a friend suggested that I try different strains to see if that would make a difference. I found my strain (Super Skunk-Aero grown) and I have never felt better. I have a very active life now without the groggy zombie like effect of the pharmaceuticals. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

 

[blinkykush]

Fdd its so true, My guy had a new strain today and i had been loving the buzz i was getting from the old stuff he was giving me.....when i got the new O and sampled it today the high was so much more energetic and dizzy. the dro smelled and looked amazing but the high just wasnt as pleasant for me as the old stuff........lol tangent,,,,Anyways not all weed will agree with everyone, some strains will some wont.

 

[Stoney McFried]

Whoooookay. I usually don't talk about this, as it really makes me sound crazy, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Nine years ago I was a total mess. I was dealing with a lot of shit that a 15-year-old shouldn't have to deal with and I was coming apart at the seams. The doctor put me on anti-depressants and I've been on them ever since. Every day I take a handful of pills that cost disgusting amounts of money and about six months ago I decided that I'd had enough.

I went to my doctor and told him that I wanted out. He said we'd have to ween me off gradually, very very very slowly, as coming off the particular med I'm on can cause some serious problems (not just mental ones). I've been reducing the dose steadily ever since, and it's felt like waking up out of a long and boring dream.

I thought the pills weren't helping my problem, but it seems that they WERE the problem. It seems I've forgotten what it's really like to FEEL things. My happy times are HAPPY, I actually feel GOOD. I'm more motivated to do ANYTHING than I have been in nearly a decade. Sure, I get bummed sometimes, but I know how to deal with it (as I'm not 15 and vulnerable anymore). I feel more social and ambitious and confident, things that I rarely seemed to have before.

What sucks is that every time I reduce my dose, even a bit, I'm sick for at least a week. And not just feeling drowsy and uggy, I mean shaking and occasional puking and downright scary states of mania and depression, switching between the two at a moment's notice. That goes away and I level out, and when it's happening I at least KNOW what's causing it, but it still sucks. When I'm lucky enough to have weed, I find that even smoking one bowl a day (usually when I wake up) helps my mood and the shaking/puking thing. I'm tempted to mention it to the doctor, but I'm not sure how he'd take it.

And, as a side benefit, I've been losing weight like mad. I haven't been doing anything differently with my eating and exercise habits (which really aren't all that bad), but since I've been coming off the meds the weight is just melting off of me. I've lost nearly 25 pounds since January.

Yet, even as I try and free myself my doctor is hinting that I might be happier on another med. Try something new. The idea disgusts me, really. He said I might need them in order to be a stable, happy person. I told him that I have no idea who I am without the meds, so how on Earth am I supposed to know if I need them or not. I really wanna see just WHO THE HELL I AM without expensive and useless happy pills coursing through my veins, making me feel like a zombie. If how I feel NOW is any indication, I think I'll be a better person and I'm positive I'll like myself more.

This Wednesday, I'll be reducing the dose again. After this, I have one more reduction until I'm free. My doctor has warned me that this last few legs are going to be really tough, but I'm determined. As long as I keep an eye on myself I should be okay.

I think anti-depressants are evil. Yes, they can help people - and some people do need them, but doctors pass them out like candy and when you find they don't work they'll just hand you some more. At one point, a few years ago, I was on five different medications (Effexor XR, Welbutrin XL, Abilify, Lamictal, Paxil XR). They did NOTHING. I'd go back to the doctor, say they weren't working, and she'd just hand me something new and ignore me when I said I didn't want to be on anything else. "This'll work in conjuction with the others". I dumped her, obviously, and I managed to get off all but two of them. I got rid of one of those about a year later.

This last med is Effexor XR, and my doctor has told me horror stories about other people who tried to get off of it. Some of them had to open the capsules and take out two of the little beads per day in order to shake it, and they STILL got sick.

I'm gonna do it, though.

Go ahead, make fun of me! I'm a crazy mental patient that's screwing Them All by not taking my meds. That's the attitude people seem to have, anyway...

Love and Peace,
CanadianCoyote

I myself have a family history of clinical depression...my father's mother committed suicide. I have also tried as well, as a teenager. Currently, I take prozac. But i dont take two pills a day, as my doctor wants...I only take one or two when my lows get so low I can't stand it anymore. The only thing that helps with the rage I get is ....well...herbs. Those I prescribe myself once or twice a month....and its the only thing that truly keeps me sane. I'm not going to go into all the crap that goes on in my head. I've always prided myself on being able to control whatever it is thats in me.....sometimes I just take a little help. I've found out more and more about my dad, and I realize he couldnt control it as well, and he was a tough old timer. I just want to say I know what youre saying...but its very hard to explain to someone who doesnt have to go through it.

 

[euthanatos93420]

Bipolar here also found that pharmies suck. Weed rocks. Give it a couple of years tokin and you'll probably come to a point where you don't need to smoke anymore. I've come to a poit where don't smoke for long periods at a time and i'll smoke every now and then.

 

[Stoney McFried]

Bipolar here also found that pharmies suck. Weed rocks. Give it a couple of years tokin and you'll probably come to a point where you don't need to smoke anymore. I've come to a poit where don't smoke for long periods at a time and i'll smoke every now and then.

The only pharms that I found do work are the ADHD meds my doc gives me...basically legal speed...wow are those fun...I can clean a whole house in an hour with a toothbrush and a bar of soap.

 

[CanadianCoyote]

I knew a guy who was on ADHD pharms ... he hated them, so he sold them to his fellow college students. Made a killing 'round exam time.

The only pharms that I found do work are the ADHD meds my doc gives me...basically legal speed...wow are those fun...I can clean a whole house in an hour with a toothbrush and a bar of soap.

 

[CanadianCoyote]

Out of everything I've ever tried -- weed has helped me the most. Best for stress, mood and just about everything else.

Bipolar here also found that pharmies suck. Weed rocks. Give it a couple of years tokin and you'll probably come to a point where you don't need to smoke anymore. I've come to a poit where don't smoke for long periods at a time and i'll smoke every now and then.

 

[Stoney McFried]

I knew a guy who was on ADHD pharms ... he hated them, so he sold them to his fellow college students. Made a killing 'round exam time.

Yeah, if I took them every day like my doc wants, I'd never sleep and be dehydrated as hell

 

[CanadianCoyote]

First off -- I'd like to thank you for serving your country (be it US or Canada). I have nothing but reverence for those who serve in the military. My brother served in the Canadian military for many years, and he wants to go back but he can't due to an existing medical condition. Even before he served, I've always respected soldiers.

Secondly -- I do know anti-depressants can be effective, but they don't work for everyone. But the attitude is that they work all the time and if they're not working for you than YOU are at fault. That's how I feel, anyway.

And, as I was typing this, I've had A&E on in the background. Three commercials for three different anti-depressants have aired. The amount of money made from these drugs is ... well, it's disgusting. Making billions off of people's misery without really caring how things end up....

I'm not against making money. Capitalism is good! But not when it harms people.

As for feeling like a zombie ... well, you're not depressed anymore. You're not much of anything anymore. Happiness is muted and fleeting. Sadness is there but not, always lurking under the surface and waiting for the right time to strangle you.

I hear ya man...Im a partially disabled Vet. and Ive been suffering from 1 or more disorders for the past 9 years. My doctor put me on somthing like Cyto-lopram or somthing along those lines and within 3 weeks I felt like a zombie. I went back for my monthly check-up and refused any and all drugs. after about 8 months of becoming more and more reclusive a friend suggested that I try different strains to see if that would make a difference. I found my strain (Super Skunk-Aero grown) and I have never felt better. I have a very active life now without the groggy zombie like effect of the pharmaceuticals. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

 

[CanadianCoyote]

Aye, I bet if you said something to the doc about it they'd add another med.

Yeah, if I took them every day like my doc wants, I'd never sleep and be dehydrated as hell

 

[CanadianCoyote]

Gotta admit, the search for the right strain has to be the best part. ^^

Fdd its so true, My guy had a new strain today and i had been loving the buzz i was getting from the old stuff he was giving me.....when i got the new O and sampled it today the high was so much more energetic and dizzy. the dro smelled and looked amazing but the high just wasnt as pleasant for me as the old stuff........lol tangent,,,,Anyways not all weed will agree with everyone, some strains will some wont.

 

[Stoney McFried]

Gotta admit, the search for the right strain has to be the best part. ^^

I hate panic weed...gahhh had that once or twice...and yes my doc is happy about adding more meds...but hes old school I guess....so I just stockpile my meds for when i may be too short on cash to buy them and really need them.

 

[euthanatos93420]

I'm not against making money. Capitalism is good! But not when it harms people.

It isn't capitalism when the governement steps in to enforcably regulate laws (Or in some cases, a lack thereof) in favor of pharmacutical empires.

I've also experimented wtih Savlia and DXM in a handful singular therapudic sessions over the past 4 years with a moderate amount of success. They don't help his sociability but they have helped his perspective and ability to handle mood swings on a day to day and sober basis.