HOW NOT TO GROW WEED
1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as feck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, feckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, feckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. Got high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine poisoning from too many Mountain Dews
28. Mountain Dew powered car thing didn't work out, went back to read pot message board, figured I might be a w33d b4R0n yet
29. Read on pot board about growing plants under blue & red LEDs in pure molasses, figured this is the way of the future
30. Stole 50 LED brake lights for the red ones and stole a few mobile phones for the blue ones
31. Planted 1272 seeds in Miracle Gro soil with a couple bags of Osmocote and some 10-50-10 orchid ferts tossed in to make sure nothin starves
32. 17 seeds sprouted, fecken ace!
33. Figured the plants wasnt carbo-loading enuff, so put a kilo of cooked spaghetti on the plants
34. Spaghetti looked naked, added bolognaise sauce
35. 2 weeks pass before the plants work out that there's any light comin from the LEDs
36. Phones hung around the seedlings keep ringin in the middle of the night, fecken annoying
37. Plants get stretchy, fall over and die again
38. Mould seems to like the molasses, decided to become a m0uld b4R0n instead
39. Accidentally got some mould up my nose, turned out to be 'magic' mould, kinda sykadelic and shroomy
40. Tripped for 3 days, watched my fridge turn into a white whale which called himself Kelvinator the Magnifacent and drank up all my bongwater
41. Came down long enough to build a hydroponic magic mould grow op
42. Got all me mates higher than Jesus on magic mould, suddenly couldn't grow enuff of it
43. Me mates started a bidding war for the magic mould and I became an overnite Ebay millionaire, fecken ace!
44. Government made 'magic' mould illegal the very next day, protesters hit the streets with 'DON'T BREAK THE MOULD' signs
45. Cops busted me for proceeds of crime, took me money and let me go
46. Got stoned and went back to read pot board, read all about light spectrum and flowervegging
47. Planted 1639 seeds in wool, threw in some rocks, cos Big W don't have rockwool, figured its close enuff
48. Worked out the right light colour for vegflowering (a kinda reddish blue) and made up a piccie in my stolen copy of Fotoslop wot was the rite colour
49. Stole a half dozen real big computer monitors and connected them all to me computer, pointed me monitors at the plants
50. 18 sprouted, fecken ace!
51. Rocks I threw in the wool turned out to be limestones which musta pHucked the pH or something
52. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
53. Got stoned and tried to work out how to sell bags of stretchy, dead seedlings to pot virgins
54. Tried to sell a bag to a real noob, he reckoned I was tryin to stiff him so he busted my jaw
55. Real annoyed here in the hospital, I can get high but can't eat no corn chips with me jaw wired shut
56. Worked out how to eat corn chips thru a tube, lawyer man from Doritos calls up and offers to buy me out
57. Sold me corn-chips-thru-a-tube idea for millions, fecken ace!
58. Got sued by some wanker from Urinistan for patent infringement on his sugar-beet chips thru a tube invention, Howard's new free trade agreement let the bastard take everything but me bong
59. Found out where Howard was doin his morning walk, chucked me bong at him and yelled at the bastard a lot
60. In jail now, Ruddock sez I'm a terrierist doper, Andrews is tryin to deport me to me homeland but he can't work out wot country Wollongong's in
61. Got chucked out to Nauru til my immigration thing gets fixed by the suits
62. Bloody noice weather here in Nauru, local ganja is the bizness, learnin how to grow from these cool islander dudes workin as guards here at the detention camp, this week's lesson is about to how to sprout seeds right
63. That Rudd guy got elected and all of a sudden he shuts down the bloody Nauru camp, stopping me dope growin school
64. Just this week worked out how to feminise seeds with piss from a pregnant Nauruan tiger vole when they shut down the Spacific Solution and chucked me out to Christmas Island
65. Pissed orf, looked all over this damn island, can't find Santa anywhere, total ripoff
66. Tiger vole scratches finally healin up, they don't like bein messed with much when there pregnant
67. Some bright spark works out the Wollongong's in Australia so they sent this Oceanic Viking boat out to get me and take me back home
68. On the way home we caught up with these badarse Sea Shepard pirate dudes, so I jumped on there Steve Erwin boat, forced them to smoke Nauru Nitemare joints and demanded they hold me hostage
69. Capn Paul was sorry but he didn't need no hostages and could I please just piss orf cos he had shit to do and whales to shave
70. After that these mad stoned Sheperd dudes jumped on this Jap whale boat, totally messed with them and got taken hostage, works out they got the whole idea from me, fecken ace!
71. So I'm fineally back home, found out wile I was gone that some seeds I chucked out the back yard sprouted and grew bitchen plants
72. Plants flowered like mad cos I accidently spilled a bag of cow poo on the yard
73. While I was away, the plants dried natcherly and yielded POUNDAGE, fecken ace!
74. Too bad this all happened 2 weeks before I got home but by then the whole suburb was higher than Jesus after some dude named Cory in yellow sunnies threw a house party at my place while I was still lookin for Santa
75. Tryin to work out how plants grew so good without the minit-by-minit help of a w33d b4R0n like myself
76. Ran out of Nauru Nitemare, smoked up all the roaches Cory left around here now out of smoke again
77. Was usin this one pot forum where there sponsor was sellin this legal 'herbal cannabis' stuff
78. Couldn't find nuthn bad about legal herbs on this board so I figured I'd buy a couple pounds
79. Was like smokin pencil shavings and oregano but I got banned off the forum anyway when I told everyone about it
80. Had to get my money back out of the shit so I sold it to some noob
81. Noob smoked some of the pencil shavings and oregano and came back and punched me out for sellin him crap
82. I showed him the fancy magazine ad for these "ULTrA Hy-DRO BuDz," he still wuzint impressed
83. Back to square one, got to find a way to hide my grow from my mom, read on this pot forum about growing in a computer box
84. Stole a computer and some CFLs, put computer fanz in the thing and a carbon filter
85. Planted 1837 seeds, 4 came up, fecken ace!
86. All of em but one got stretchy, fell over and died
87. One of em kept on goin for 3 months, actcherly turning into bud!!
88. Got 10 WHOLE GRAMS of bumfluff and leaf after 4 months, fecken ace!
89. Smoked it in 20 minutes, gave me a headache, went lookin for more seeds
90. Found a buncha seeds cowering under the couch, I guess they seen wot happened to the others and were hopin I didn't find em
91. Decided to use good garden shop sense, planted 2012 seeds in Osmocote potting soil with a pound of Osmocote cos it never burns plants
92. 18 sprouts came up, fecken ace!
93. Plants are lookin like someone put em in a toaster, cant be the pound of Osmocote I put in the teaspoon of soil, it says its time released, dammit!
94. Decided I better wash the Osmocote out of the soil, took a week, but the teaspoon of soil I mixed with the pound of Osmocote is still stuck to the roots, sorta, I guess, they're all nice& brown
95. Tryin to work out how much light to give em, mebbe part of the day outside and part under some tanning bed lites I stole
96. Some smart guy on this cannabis forum told me my tanning lites was junk and to go read the GrowFAQ, I reckon he was just bein a jerk cos I've done this all before and I know better so I didn't listen
97. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
98. Mom just yelled at me for taken the innards out of her computer and wants to know why theirs pots of soil where her hard drive should be and by the way wot happened to all her god dam Osmocote
99. I got to mow the lawn for the next twelve years to pay mom back for the computer and all the missing Osmocote
100. Petrol can has a leak so I gotta push the mower to the servo to fill it up, on the way spotted a weed plant growing in some bushes a bit off the road
101. It looked lonely, like it needed the help of a w33d b4R0n like myself so I stole some birth control pills off my mom to make sure it gets feminised
102. Since it was off the road a bit and kinda private and I knew it wasn't gonna get pregnant, I decided to have a wank on the plant
103. Just when I got goin good this joker comes tearin out of the bushes yellin wot am I doin to his poor plant?!
104. I didnt know it was somebodys plant, I thot it had just kinda escaped and gone feral or something
105. Guy told me if I ever messed with his plant again he would make me into Osmocote
106. Went home and mowed the lawn and thort about Plan C
.. I have a feeling you don't have any plants
