World's Dumbest Growing Advice

doobnVA

doobnVA

Well-Known Member
llLOU said:
THIS WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE , NOT ME... MAYBE IT WAS AL B. FUCT , ANYWAY IT IS FUNNY.
Default How not to grow dope

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1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. and so on...

Smoke Legal Buds
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:clap::clap:

That was pretty hilarious. It's even funnier because there are really people like that!
 
Green Cross

Green Cross

Well-Known Member
doobnVA said:
:clap::clap:

That was pretty hilarious. It's even funnier because there are really people like that!
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"break up the rootball, and wash the soil off the roots"

I'd only do this if I had found the last remaining marijuana plant in the world, and it was growing in toxic sludge"
 
Bud Frosty

Bud Frosty

Well-Known Member
Another good one;

"Piss all around your plants so the deer wont eat em."

My wife thought this was true so, one evening a few years ago I took a big piss on the cornpile out back about an hour before they show up to eat. Hell, I may as well have poured water on Gravy Train dog food. I think they liked the new ZEST it had.
 
Ganjatopolis

Ganjatopolis

Well-Known Member
Someone told me if you cured it at extremely low temperatures it would become purple haze, and someone else said if you bury it in a coffee can for a couple weeks it will magically grow more crystals.
 
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SlikWiLL13

Well-Known Member
SlikWiLL13 said:
i had a guy say the last week of flowering he twists all the branches and pushes pins through the stems to 'stress the plant into finishing faster'.

wait, what? stress = timewarp......fucking aces!:hump:
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SlikWiLL13 said:
not like that it isnt.:roll: they use light stress, over ripening, and hormonal stress to create fem seeds. they dont kick the shit out of the plants.:dunce:
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Johnny Retro said:
I dont recall saying you had to kick the shit outa the plants to stress them... :roll:
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then maybe you should read the whole thread.:hump:
 
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guitarabuser

Guest
Bud Frosty said:
Another good one;

"Piss all around your plants so the deer wont eat em."

My wife thought this was true so, one evening a few years ago I took a big piss on the cornpile out back about an hour before they show up to eat. Hell, I may as well have poured water on Gravy Train dog food. I think they liked the new ZEST it had.
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I must admit, I still do this. Not for deer, but because it keeps my dogs from messing with them. A while back I put out a tray of plants in jiffy pucks. The next morning my damn dog had every one pulled out of the ground!

He pulled them up and dropped them next to their holes. Only about 1/4 were damaged, so I stuck the rest back in the ground, peed all around them (not on them) and they have left them alone ever since.
 
Johnny Retro

Johnny Retro

Well-Known Member
Hahah i dont have a problem? I told this guy stressing a plant is involved in feminized seed production. I said nothing about your posts :roll:
But since you oblivously know everything i guess ill stand down :lol:
 
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SlikWiLL13

Well-Known Member
Johnny Retro said:
Hahah i dont have a problem? I told this guy stressing a plant is involved in feminized seed production. I said nothing about your posts :roll:
But since you oblivously know everything i guess ill stand down :lol:
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the stress he was talking about was exactly what i was talking about. and physical stress is most definetly NOT what they use to make fem seeds.
 
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guitarabuser

Guest
Johnny Retro said:
Hahah i dont have a problem? I told this guy stressing a plant is involved in feminized seed production. I said nothing about your posts :roll:
But since you oblivously know everything i guess ill stand down :lol:
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Hey, I understood what you are saying and I know the type of stress you were refering to. It's cool.
There was a book from the early eighties or late seventies called "Sinsemilla". And in it the authors theorized that stressing a plant would result in higher potency. They suggested sticking an indoor plant outside in extreme conditions before harvest. They even suggested DROPPING THE PLANT TO THE GROUND by a few feet!
This was very different advice from letting a girl flower for a few extra weeks to induce herming. But you are correct, there is a type of stress that is used in growing that has a legitimate purpose.
 
Johnny Retro

Johnny Retro

Well-Known Member
guitarabuser said:
Yeah, somebody just posted that question recently, "How do you stress a plant?" That's what made me think of this.
What kind of whacko-bizarro mind came up with that? "Lets see, I'll baby this plant for 6 or 7 weeks, worry over every leaf that falls off, feed it regularly, and give it a perfect environment. Then, just before it's finished I'll abuse it like a red-headed stepchild."
Incredible.
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How do you know that guy was talking about YOUR kind of stress..
Is is cause you know everything? :hump:
 
Johnny Retro

Johnny Retro

Well-Known Member
guitarabuser said:
Hey, I understood what you are saying and I know the type of stress you were refering to. It's cool.
There was a book from the early eighties or late seventies called "Sinsemilla". And in it the authors theorized that stressing a plant would result in higher potency. They suggested sticking an indoor plant outside in extreme conditions before harvest. They even suggested DROPPING THE PLANT TO THE GROUND by a few feet!
This was very different advice from letting a girl flower for a few extra weeks to induce herming. But you are correct, there is a type of stress that is used in growing that has a legitimate purpose.
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Oh i know, your cool..this guy just wants to pick fights with me
 
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SlikWiLL13

Well-Known Member
he said, 'abuse it like a red-headed stepchild'. i said, 'kick the shit out of it'

wheres the big difference?
 
Johnny Retro

Johnny Retro

Well-Known Member
Where fighting like were a married couple..this is a buzz kill. Im done, i dont have any problems with you
Im sure youll feel the same when you find your bowl :eyesmoke:
 
CrackerJax

CrackerJax

New Member
Well I never... :lol:

So I tried some of your techniques, but started off with musical stress.
[youtube]YPnGPIMUnus[/youtube]

After replaying that for four hours, when I returned the plant had already slid several nails into its own stems! I suppose it was trying to commit suicide, but I think the resin count is up after three days. I bought a $1200 resin detector from my trusted hydro man and it looks good. :wink:

keep up the good information!!! Aces!
 
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