How Not To Grow Dope

[Al B. Fuct]

1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. and so on...

 

[djfeav]

what the fuck but well funny keep it comin if i was you id give up on Uncle Bob's 1972 Yippie Underground growbook

 

[TheConstantGardner]

4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!

I now have coffee on my keyboard and monitor

 

[mogie]

I laughed so hard milk came out my nose.

 

[billybob]

pretty funny

 

[mogie]

If you have been around for awhile this is rofl funny.

 

[Al B. Fuct]

If you have been around for awhile this is rofl funny.

Well, I do have to admit that this (somewhat fictionalised) bit was prompted by newbie posts, particularly the ones where the newb has planted their seeds and then gone out looking for information on how to grow. Sort of like getting roaring stoned and then going out looking for the party.

The most frustrating posts to deal with for REALLY experienced forum writers fall into two basic categories:

1) Newbie posts incredibly broad queries like "OK, I want poundage, how do I grow plants? What is soil? Why can't I use halogen motorcycle fog lights to grow poundage?! WHY AREN'T YOU LAZY FUCKIN' BASTARDS ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS, AREN'T YOU HERE TO SERVE ME?!"

2) Newbies who KNOW they are already weed barons, by virtue of reading a 35 year old growbook, who then go on to enthusiastically offer incredibly bad advice to the newer newbies, leaving the whole schlemozzle to be cleaned up by the REALLY knowledgeable crew, only for the really experienced posters to be told by the somewhat-new-newbies that the advice they've just given is TOTALLY WRONG cos it doesn't match what was said in the 35 year old grow book.

Anyone got any spare birth control pills to feminise my plants?

 

[Moon Shadow]

This needs to be a sticky

 

[Toking Tide]

Anyone got any spare birth control pills to feminise my plants?

lol, I think I read that post somewhere. There was also one about dissolving some centrum vitamins to give it nutrients.

 

[drochoker]

hahaha sadly...people actually try to start growing like that

 

[Purple_Ganja]

DUUUUUUUUDE LMAO, I'm high as a kite right now, so I dunno if I'll find this funny tomorrow but right now that is fucken halarious... People actually do things like this? What I don't understand is people that do stuff like that for praise, like its some big deal for people to like you in a forum, haha. I guess on the other hand it WOULD be a big deal to someone if they actually meant to acquire something tangeable from the forum in the long run. Maybe like, a little citral? A little white '?'? hehe

 

[Purple_Ganja]

I do have a newbie tip though, don't try to start seedlings, not even one, in the same living area as a reptile, it wont make it past 3-4 leaves haha.

 

[Al B. Fuct]

DUUUUUUUUDE LMAO, I'm high as a kite right now, so I dunno if I'll find this funny tomorrow but right now that is fucken halarious...

I thought the bit was funnier several days after I wrote it.

People actually do things like this?

Of course, I stretched this a bit for comic effect, but it was inspired by silliness I have witnessed over the years, not necessarily on rollitup, but certainly on Overgrow.com while I was moderating there, prior to its untimely demise.

 

[soloudithertz]

i went to a friends house to check out his plant only to find he was growing under some kind of crazy heat lamp. all of the leaves had only 3 blades, it was a hermie, with heat stress and spider mites.

 

[Roseman]

You need to add "tell your girlfriend you are growing pot" to the list.

 

[Al B. Fuct]

i went to a friends house to check out his plant only to find he was growing under some kind of crazy heat lamp. all of the leaves had only 3 blades, it was a hermie, with heat stress and spider mites.

Blacklights, heat lamps, auto fog lights, LEDs and those little 50 watt 2" halogen projector lamps are the stuff of legend in pot growing mythology.

You need to add "tell your girlfriend you are growing pot" to the list.

hah!

Item 1.5 should read:

"Told all my friends I was gonna be a weed baron. Doubled my number of friends in 20 minutes, now have 2."
​

 

[Toking Tide]

You need to add "tell your girlfriend you are growing pot" to the list.

maybe thats just your problem.

 

[abudsmoker]

you spent 3497.00 on light timers and food!!!!

 

[abudsmoker]

4 monthers later......




honey i want a new suv

 

[abudsmoker]

and a dream girl says " dont you think we should get another place just to grow "


Say "I DO "to this one