How Not To Grow Dope

1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. Got high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine poisoning from too many Mountain Dews
28. Mountain Dew powered car thing didn't work out, went back to read pot message board, figured I might be a w33d b4R0n yet
29. Read on pot board about growing plants under blue & red LEDs in pure molasses, figured this is the way of the future
30. Stole 50 LED brake lights for the red ones and stole a few mobile phones for the blue ones
31. Planted 1272 seeds in Miracle Gro soil with a couple bags of Osmocote and some 10-50-10 orchid ferts tossed in to make sure nothin starves
32. 17 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
33. Figured the plants wasnt carbo-loading enuff, so put a kilo of cooked spaghetti on the plants
34. Spaghetti looked naked, added bolognaise sauce
35. 2 weeks pass before the plants work out that there's any light comin from the LEDs
36. Phones hung around the seedlings keep ringin in the middle of the night, fucken annoying
37. Plants get stretchy, fall over and die again
38. Mould seems to like the molasses, decided to become a m0uld b4R0n instead
39. Accidentally got some mould up my nose, turned out to be 'magic' mould, kinda sykadelic and shroomy
40. Tripped for 3 days, watched my fridge turn into a white whale which called himself Kelvinator the Magnifacent and drank up all my bongwater
41. Came down long enough to build a hydroponic magic mould grow op
42. Got all me mates higher than Jesus on magic mould, suddenly couldn't grow enuff of it
43. Me mates started a bidding war for the magic mould and I became an overnite Ebay millionaire, fucken ace!
44. Government made 'magic' mould illegal the very next day, protesters hit the streets with 'DON'T BREAK THE MOULD' signs
45. Cops busted me for proceeds of crime, took me money and let me go
46. Got stoned and went back to read pot board, read all about light spectrum and flowervegging
47. Planted 1639 seeds in wool, threw in some rocks, cos Big W don't have rockwool, figured its close enuff
48. Worked out the right light colour for vegflowering (a kinda reddish blue) and made up a piccie in my stolen copy of Fotoslop wot was the rite colour
49. Stole a half dozen real big computer monitors and connected them all to me computer, pointed me monitors at the plants
50. 18 sprouted, fucken ace!
51. Rocks I threw in the wool turned out to be limestones which musta pHucked the pH or something
52. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
53. Got stoned and tried to work out how to sell bags of stretchy, dead seedlings to pot virgins
54. Tried to sell a bag to a real noob, he reckoned I was tryin to stiff him so he busted my jaw
55. Real annoyed here in the hospital, I can get high but can't eat no corn chips with me jaw wired shut
56. Worked out how to eat corn chips thru a tube, lawyer man from Doritos calls up and offers to buy me out
57. Sold me corn-chips-thru-a-tube idea for millions, fucken ace!
58. Got sued by some wanker from Urinistan for patent infringement on his sugar-beet chips thru a tube invention, Howard's new free trade agreement let the bastard take everything but me bong
59. Found out where Howard was doin his morning walk, chucked me bong at him and yelled at the bastard a lot
60. In jail now, Ruddock sez I'm a terrierist doper, Andrews is tryin to deport me to me homeland but he can't work out wot country Wollongong's in

Al B. Fuct said:

Well, I do have to admit that this (somewhat fictionalised) bit was prompted by newbie posts, particularly the ones where the newb has planted their seeds and then gone out looking for information on how to grow. Sort of like getting roaring stoned and then going out looking for the party.

The most frustrating posts to deal with for REALLY experienced forum writers fall into two basic categories:

1) Newbie posts incredibly broad queries like "OK, I want poundage, how do I grow plants? What is soil? Why can't I use halogen motorcycle fog lights to grow poundage?! WHY AREN'T YOU LAZY FUCKIN' BASTARDS ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS, AREN'T YOU HERE TO SERVE ME?!"

2) Newbies who KNOW they are already weed barons, by virtue of reading a 35 year old growbook, who then go on to enthusiastically offer incredibly bad advice to the newer newbies, leaving the whole schlemozzle to be cleaned up by the REALLY knowledgeable crew, only for the really experienced posters to be told by the somewhat-new-newbies that the advice they've just given is TOTALLY WRONG cos it doesn't match what was said in the 35 year old grow book.

Anyone got any spare birth control pills to feminise my plants?

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1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
27. Got high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine poisoning from too many Mountain Dews
28. Mountain Dew powered car thing didn't work out, went back to read pot message board, figured I might be a w33d b4R0n yet
29. Read on pot board about growing plants under blue & red LEDs in pure molasses, figured this is the way of the future
30. Stole 50 LED brake lights for the red ones and stole a few mobile phones for the blue ones
31. Planted 1272 seeds in Miracle Gro soil with a couple bags of Osmocote and some 10-50-10 orchid ferts tossed in to make sure nothin starves
32. 17 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
33. Figured the plants wasnt carbo-loading enuff, so put a kilo of cooked spaghetti on the plants
34. Spaghetti looked naked, added bolognaise sauce
35. 2 weeks pass before the plants work out that there's any light comin from the LEDs
36. Phones hung around the seedlings keep ringin in the middle of the night, fucken annoying
37. Plants get stretchy, fall over and die again
38. Mould seems to like the molasses, decided to become a m0uld b4R0n instead
39. Accidentally got some mould up my nose, turned out to be 'magic' mould, kinda sykadelic and shroomy
40. Tripped for 3 days, watched my fridge turn into a white whale which called himself Kelvinator the Magnifacent and drank up all my bongwater
41. Came down long enough to build a hydroponic magic mould grow op
42. Got all me mates higher than Jesus on magic mould, suddenly couldn't grow enuff of it
43. Me mates started a bidding war for the magic mould and I became an overnite Ebay millionaire, fucken ace!
44. Government made 'magic' mould illegal the very next day, protesters hit the streets with 'DON'T BREAK THE MOULD' signs
45. Cops busted me for proceeds of crime, took me money and let me go
46. Got stoned and went back to read pot board, read all about light spectrum and flowervegging
47. Planted 1639 seeds in wool, threw in some rocks, cos Big W don't have rockwool, figured its close enuff
48. Worked out the right light colour for vegflowering (a kinda reddish blue) and made up a piccie in my stolen copy of Fotoslop wot was the rite colour
49. Stole a half dozen real big computer monitors and connected them all to me computer, pointed me monitors at the plants
50. 18 sprouted, fucken ace!
51. Rocks I threw in the wool turned out to be limestones which musta pHucked the pH or something
52. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
53. Got stoned and tried to work out how to sell bags of stretchy, dead seedlings to pot virgins
54. Tried to sell a bag to a real noob, he reckoned I was tryin to stiff him so he busted my jaw
55. Real annoyed here in the hospital, I can get high but can't eat no corn chips with me jaw wired shut
56. Worked out how to eat corn chips thru a tube, lawyer man from Doritos calls up and offers to buy me out
57. Sold me corn-chips-thru-a-tube idea for millions, fucken ace!
58. Got sued by some wanker from Urinistan for patent infringement on his sugar-beet chips thru a tube invention, Howard's new free trade agreement let the bastard take everything but me bong
59. Found out where Howard was doin his morning walk, chucked me bong at him and yelled at the bastard a lot
60. In jail now, Ruddock sez I'm a terrierist doper, Andrews is tryin to deport me to me homeland but he can't work out wot country Wollongong's in
61. Got chucked out to Nauru til my immigration thing gets fixed by the suits
62. Bloody noice weather here in Nauru, local ganja is the bizness, learnin how to grow from these cool islander dudes workin as guards here at the detention camp, this week's lesson is about to how to sprout seeds right
63. That Rudd guy got elected and all of a sudden he shuts down the bloody Nauru camp, stopping me dope growin school
64. Just this week worked out how to feminise seeds with piss from a pregnant Nauruan tiger vole when they shut down the Spacific Solution and chucked me out to Christmas Island
65. Pissed orf, looked all over this damn island, can't find Santa anywhere, total ripoff
66. Tiger vole scratches finally healin up, they don't like bein messed with much when there pregnant
67. Some bright spark works out the Wollongong's in Australia so they sent this Oceanic Viking boat out to get me and take me back home
68. On the way home we caught up with these badarse Sea Shepard pirate dudes, so I jumped on there Steve Erwin boat, forced them to smoke Nauru Nitemare joints and demanded they hold me hostage
69. Capn Paul was sorry but he didn't need no hostages and could I please just piss orf cos he had shit to do and whales to shave
70. After that these mad stoned Sheperd dudes jumped on this Jap whale boat, totally messed with them and got taken hostage, works out they got the whole idea from me, fucken ace!
71. So I'm fineally back home, found out wile I was gone that some seeds I chucked out the back yard sprouted and grew bitchen plants
72. Plants flowered like mad cos I accidently spilled a bag of cow poo on the yard
73. While I was away, the plants dried natcherly and yielded POUNDAGE, fucken ace!
74. Too bad this all happened 2 weeks before I got home but by then the whole suburb was higher than Jesus after some dude named Cory in yellow sunnies threw a house party at my place while I was still lookin for Santa
75. Tryin to work out how plants grew so good without the minit-by-minit help of a w33d b4R0n like myself
76. Ran out of Nauru Nitemare, smoked up all the roaches Cory left around here now out of smoke again
77. Was usin this one pot forum where there sponsor was sellin this legal 'herbal cannabis' stuff
78. Couldn't find nuthn bad about legal herbs on this board so I figured I'd buy a couple pounds
79. Was like smokin pencil shavings and oregano but I got banned off the forum anyway when I told everyone about it
80. Had to get my money back out of the shit so I sold it to some noob
81. Noob smoked some of the pencil shavings and oregano and came back and punched me out for sellin him crap
82. I showed him the fancy magazine ad for these "ULTrA Hy-DRO BuDz," he still wuzint impressed
83. Back to square one, got to find a way to hide my grow from my mom, read on this pot forum about growing in a computer box
84. Stole a computer and some CFLs, put computer fanz in the thing and a carbon filter
85. Planted 1837 seeds, 4 came up, fucken ace!
86. All of em but one got stretchy, fell over and died
87. One of em kept on goin for 3 months, actcherly turning into bud!!
88. Got 10 WHOLE GRAMS of bumfluff and leaf after 4 months, fucken ace!
89. Smoked it in 20 minutes, gave me a headache, went lookin for more seeds

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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Estrogen can bend gender of male fish living in water contaminated by birth-control pill residue
By Seth Borenstein[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]WASHINGTON - The female hormone estrogen can bend the gender of male fish that live in bodies of water contaminated with the residue of birth-control pills, a new study indicates.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]For three years, Canadian scientists have put birth-control pills into a remote Ontario lake to measure this impact. The results: All male fish in the lake - from tiny tadpoles to large trout - were "feminized," meaning they had egg proteins growing abnormally in their bodies.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The experiment was intended to match the impact that the female hormone estrogen may be having on many American bodies of water, as city sewage systems empty waste into them that is contaminated with residue from birth-control pills.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One-third of male Pearl Dace minnows grew eggs in their testes. The entire population of the common Fathead minnow, once numbering in the several thousands, crashed to near zero because the hormone-stoked fish couldn't reproduce.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Any fish species we have in the lake, any male is responding to the estrogen," said Karen Kidd, a research scientist at the Canadian Freshwater Institute and the study's chief researcher. She presented her findings to the American Chemistry Council this week. "It is a feminization. ... It's enough to be concerned about what's going on in the bigger picture (from estrogen)."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Kidd's research - the most controlled experiment ever to look at the effects of estrogen on ecosystems - has heightened concerns that human female hormones may be hurting wildlife, said several scientists in the U.S. government.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Scientists are looking at whether estrogen and chemicals that act like estrogen are affecting human males, as well, said Mike Mac, the director of the U.S. Geological Survey's Columbia Environmental Research Center. He noted that a study earlier this month in the journal Environmental Health Perspectives found that rural men exposed to certain pesticides that act like estrogen had lower sperm counts.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Kidd's $925,000 study is mostly funded by the Canadian government, with help from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency and private industry.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Estrogen gets into waterways through a familiar path. Millions of women take different types of estrogen in birth-control pills and hormone replacement therapy; Kidd's study used the synthetic estrogen called ethynylestradiol, or EE2. When the women urinate, the estrogen passes into sewer systems, where bacteria eat much but not all of it. The remaining estrogen leaves sewage-treatment plants and flows into rivers, lakes and streams along with the treated wastewater.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"We do not have a good handle on what's (coming out of) these sewage treatment plants in this country yet," said Jim Lazorchak, the acting chief of the EPA's molecular ecology branch in Cincinnati, who has worked with Kidd on the lake experiment. "This is a very emerging issue."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Scientists have suspected for years that estrogen from humans is at least partially to blame for strange animal sexual oddities - such as hermaphrodites, which have both male and female characteristics - but other hormones and common chemicals also are thought to disrupt animals' endocrine systems. As a result, scientists have had a difficult time finding a direct cause-and-effect example in the wild. Kidd's study shows that link.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The clarity of the result stems from the fact that Kidd used Canada's unique Experimental Lakes Area, a range of 85 unpolluted lakes hours from any city. For 35 years the Canadian government has set it aside for experiments in environmental science.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Since 2001, Kidd and her colleagues have put birth-control pills into one lake three times a week every summer. She then compared the fish in the lake to those they found there in 2000 and to those in two control lakes where no estrogen was added.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Kidd seeded the lake with 5 nanograms of EE2 for every liter of water, a level roughly equivalent to a typical U.S. urban waterway, said Larry Barber, a USGS geochemist who studied the prevalence of estrogen in 70 U.S. rivers, lakes and streams. In Barber's study, four U.S. sites - in Florida, New York state, Massachusetts and Montana - had EE2 levels many times higher than in Kidd's lake. The Florida site, near Moriczville, had 273 nanograms per liter, according to Barber's study.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"The study in the experimental lakes shows that EE2 as an environmental contaminant has an important ecological impact," Barber said. "This is an issue in the U.S."[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]But there's hope, Kidd said.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Bacteria that occur naturally in lakes and are used for treatment in sewer plants consume the estrogen in water. The answer to the estrogen problem in waterways could be simply to arrange for more prolonged bacteria treatment in sewer plants, she said.[/FONT]​

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"These are issues that are starting to come to the fore a little bit more now," said Adam Krantz, a spokesman for the Association of Metropolitan Sewerage Agencies. "We're waiting to see what the science shows us. We're tracking it."[/FONT]​

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