It's been a long day, and pretty much the kickoff to a long week.
Business is picking up at the hardware store, which = more hours. A good thing, if I wasn't closing at the restaurant every night starting Wednesday. Again, not so bad except my day starts at 5am where at the first job, then ends around midnight or later at the second job. So pretty much I'm going to sleeping in the parking lot of job one. A couple of nights this week. Should still be at the restaurant, but management let me leave early since we were slowing down.
paychecks not come in yet. Everyone else got theirs, but mine's running late. Luckily I was able to buss tables to get gas money otherwise work wasn't happening. How is it I'm working two jobs at 60+ hours a week, and only have $2 in my pocket...
Personal life is a mess. Never get to see my wife, and I'm currently debating divorce with myself. Long list of reasons, but in the end I'm not happy. If we could ever see each other I'd to sit down and talk to her about it. Problem is I leave for work before she gets out of bed, and I don't get home until she's already asleep.
blah, blah, blah, poor me. Bottom line is I'm stressed, depressed, sleep deprived, starving, overworked, under fucked, out of weed, out of money, and at this moment soaking wet.
Why do I hate myself for all this. This is life. Beyond my control.
A coworker and I were talking today. She was discussing her previous drug issues and all I could think of was - you're lucky. You have an excuse. An outside force that can be blamed. My problems all come from inside me. There is no fix, no rehab, no cure for my mind turning against itself. The drug cocktails and therapy was never effective.... I am this way.... I was born this way.... I will die this way...
I envy people... so many people... average people. Everyday people. You go about, you have your friends, you have your hobbies and your passions. Other people find you attractive. Other people respond when you call. You have sex with your gf/bf/S.O/whoever. You have people that desire you. You have your moments of weakness, and your moments of triumph. You have a life that.... makes you feel alive.
I try. I have my jokes, my flirts, A "positive can do attitude" when I'm with people. Never let them see the real me. Put on that happy mask for them. Maybe if I'm casually and they think I'm happy they'll want to be my friends.....
Dealing with my own fucked up mind, my own self loathing... the only thing I truly feel is that I'm just waiting to die.
I'm not talking about suicide. As romanticised as it seems, and as often as I think about it, I'm just not there... not truly.
I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely.
These are my thoughts. This is as raw as I can allow myself to become.
Mock me, sympathize with me, ignore me, hijack the thread and turn it into naughty - 3.... do what you will what you have been told.
Business is picking up at the hardware store, which = more hours. A good thing, if I wasn't closing at the restaurant every night starting Wednesday. Again, not so bad except my day starts at 5am where at the first job, then ends around midnight or later at the second job. So pretty much I'm going to sleeping in the parking lot of job one. A couple of nights this week. Should still be at the restaurant, but management let me leave early since we were slowing down.
paychecks not come in yet. Everyone else got theirs, but mine's running late. Luckily I was able to buss tables to get gas money otherwise work wasn't happening. How is it I'm working two jobs at 60+ hours a week, and only have $2 in my pocket...
Personal life is a mess. Never get to see my wife, and I'm currently debating divorce with myself. Long list of reasons, but in the end I'm not happy. If we could ever see each other I'd to sit down and talk to her about it. Problem is I leave for work before she gets out of bed, and I don't get home until she's already asleep.
blah, blah, blah, poor me. Bottom line is I'm stressed, depressed, sleep deprived, starving, overworked, under fucked, out of weed, out of money, and at this moment soaking wet.
Why do I hate myself for all this. This is life. Beyond my control.
A coworker and I were talking today. She was discussing her previous drug issues and all I could think of was - you're lucky. You have an excuse. An outside force that can be blamed. My problems all come from inside me. There is no fix, no rehab, no cure for my mind turning against itself. The drug cocktails and therapy was never effective.... I am this way.... I was born this way.... I will die this way...
I envy people... so many people... average people. Everyday people. You go about, you have your friends, you have your hobbies and your passions. Other people find you attractive. Other people respond when you call. You have sex with your gf/bf/S.O/whoever. You have people that desire you. You have your moments of weakness, and your moments of triumph. You have a life that.... makes you feel alive.
I try. I have my jokes, my flirts, A "positive can do attitude" when I'm with people. Never let them see the real me. Put on that happy mask for them. Maybe if I'm casually and they think I'm happy they'll want to be my friends.....
Dealing with my own fucked up mind, my own self loathing... the only thing I truly feel is that I'm just waiting to die.
I'm not talking about suicide. As romanticised as it seems, and as often as I think about it, I'm just not there... not truly.
I want to be alone, but I don't want to be lonely.
These are my thoughts. This is as raw as I can allow myself to become.
Mock me, sympathize with me, ignore me, hijack the thread and turn it into naughty - 3.... do what you will what you have been told.
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