VIANARCHRIS
Well-Known Member
'Twas the Night Before Christmas 2018
Offensive Language / Politically Incorrect
(I wouldn't have it any other way)
Twas the night before Christmas,
as Santa fixed the old sleigh
Some of the dumbass reindeer
had eaten the seat instead of their hay
I'm too old for this bullshit
he muttered to the moon
Something needs to change
and it better happen soon
With three final stitches
he finished the seat
49 billion presents to deliver
and he was already beat
He was loading the presents
when he heard a great roar
it was just Mrs. Clause
wanting more beer from the store
Santa called for the reindeer
he wasn't playing games
He yelled “get the fuck over here”
he couldn't remember their names
He checked the sleigh over
and with one loud final cry
12 deer heard the command
“let's see you bitches fly!”
Santa didn't feel like travelling
the weather was the shits
he was sure it was cold enough
to freeze a brass monkey's tits
He thought of all the gifts
he had stashed in the back
the purple bike for Suzy
and a big blue bong for Jack
The storm raged around him
and Santa struggled to see
then his face felt all warm
Blitzen had taken a pee
A “god damn you” rang out
as Santa slammed on the brakes
“in twenty four hours
you'll be fucking steaks”
For two hundred years
his route hadn't shifted
the little kids in the east
were always the first gifted
He knew a house in Canada
he always got beer and a cookie
and if the kids were in bed
he might even get some nookie
He decided right then
that traditions really suck
he reset his gps
for a place called Tuktoyaktuk.
Santa slid down the chimney
being quiet as a mouse
then his heart sank
he was in the wrong fucking house
Back up to the sleigh
he went with a curse
coming down the chimney sucked
but going back up was much worse
he was back in a flash
and what to his eyes does he see?
there covered in ornaments
was a huge cannabis tree
Well isn't that wonderful
he thought to himself
a tree that bears gifts
and cheaper than an elf
Santa placed all the presents
neatly under the tree
then he spotted the cookies
“they must be for me”
Two of the cookies
went down in a flash
two more in a pocket
the start of his stash
Back to the sleigh
and off to Rob and Mary
a quick in and out
that neighbourhood can be quite scary
A few moments later
Santa did something odd
He left gifts for Karen
in a stocking meant for Claude
To his sleigh he did stumble
something just wasn't right
he found himself laughing
on such a cold, shitty night
His face feels all funny
so he looks in the mirror
the cause of this strangeness
just became much clearer
With eyes red and squinty
and a permanent smile
Santa hopped on the sleigh
and tuned Ozzy in on the dial
He flew down Jane's chimney
and what does he see
there in the corner was
another cannabis tree
Placed on the table
were some doobies and hash
Santa had a quick toke
and put the rest in his stash
Back to the rooftop
he was feeling quite jolly
he dashed to the next house
with the doll made for Molly
In house after house
and hour after hour
every Christmas tree was cannabis
and some were in flower
And in every new dwelling
were snacks on a plate
the edibles were plentiful
Santa was feeling great!
As he flew through the sky
it started to sink in
these people had gone crazy
“what country am I in”?
Flying over parliament
Rudolph took a big dump
he was aiming for Trudeau
cause he couldn't find Trump
Just a few moments later
Santa arrives in St. John
he was hours behind schedule
it was fucking near dawn
A little bit earlier
while over 'la belle province'
was le cannabis est légal
there.... written on a fence
The fog started lifting
his mind began to clear
Santa had almost forgotten
Canada legalized this year
He dug in his pockets
for a joint or some dab
he was pretty well wasted
he should have hailed a cab
Santa floated around
for the rest of the night
struggling to remember
his left from his right
He managed a gift
for every Canadian girl and boy
but kids around the world
woke to Christmas without a toy
For Santa had failed
though try as he might
to travel the world
on that dark stormy night
The snow and the cold
had given him fits
but the actual delays
were caused by bong hits
No gifts for Amsterdam
or even Washington, D.C.
those places have nothing
compared to the bud in B.C.
So, you see boys and girls
why you don't have a gift
Santa was too baked to drive
and could not get a lift.
With new rules confusing
and the fucking RCMP
driving and toking
is scary as can be
There will be no more Santa
now and forever more
there will be only presents
from the Amazon store
Santa's decision is final
his mind is done made
he ain't delivering shit
it's below his pay grade
He will move from the pole
to a nice spot at the lake
Mrs. Clause in the kitchen
cooking venison steaks
So have a great Christmas
Canadian cannabis crowd
celebrate the milestone
and hold your bong proud
Offensive Language / Politically Incorrect
(I wouldn't have it any other way)
Twas the night before Christmas,
as Santa fixed the old sleigh
Some of the dumbass reindeer
had eaten the seat instead of their hay
I'm too old for this bullshit
he muttered to the moon
Something needs to change
and it better happen soon
With three final stitches
he finished the seat
49 billion presents to deliver
and he was already beat
He was loading the presents
when he heard a great roar
it was just Mrs. Clause
wanting more beer from the store
Santa called for the reindeer
he wasn't playing games
He yelled “get the fuck over here”
he couldn't remember their names
He checked the sleigh over
and with one loud final cry
12 deer heard the command
“let's see you bitches fly!”
Santa didn't feel like travelling
the weather was the shits
he was sure it was cold enough
to freeze a brass monkey's tits
He thought of all the gifts
he had stashed in the back
the purple bike for Suzy
and a big blue bong for Jack
The storm raged around him
and Santa struggled to see
then his face felt all warm
Blitzen had taken a pee
A “god damn you” rang out
as Santa slammed on the brakes
“in twenty four hours
you'll be fucking steaks”
For two hundred years
his route hadn't shifted
the little kids in the east
were always the first gifted
He knew a house in Canada
he always got beer and a cookie
and if the kids were in bed
he might even get some nookie
He decided right then
that traditions really suck
he reset his gps
for a place called Tuktoyaktuk.
Santa slid down the chimney
being quiet as a mouse
then his heart sank
he was in the wrong fucking house
Back up to the sleigh
he went with a curse
coming down the chimney sucked
but going back up was much worse
he was back in a flash
and what to his eyes does he see?
there covered in ornaments
was a huge cannabis tree
Well isn't that wonderful
he thought to himself
a tree that bears gifts
and cheaper than an elf
Santa placed all the presents
neatly under the tree
then he spotted the cookies
“they must be for me”
Two of the cookies
went down in a flash
two more in a pocket
the start of his stash
Back to the sleigh
and off to Rob and Mary
a quick in and out
that neighbourhood can be quite scary
A few moments later
Santa did something odd
He left gifts for Karen
in a stocking meant for Claude
To his sleigh he did stumble
something just wasn't right
he found himself laughing
on such a cold, shitty night
His face feels all funny
so he looks in the mirror
the cause of this strangeness
just became much clearer
With eyes red and squinty
and a permanent smile
Santa hopped on the sleigh
and tuned Ozzy in on the dial
He flew down Jane's chimney
and what does he see
there in the corner was
another cannabis tree
Placed on the table
were some doobies and hash
Santa had a quick toke
and put the rest in his stash
Back to the rooftop
he was feeling quite jolly
he dashed to the next house
with the doll made for Molly
In house after house
and hour after hour
every Christmas tree was cannabis
and some were in flower
And in every new dwelling
were snacks on a plate
the edibles were plentiful
Santa was feeling great!
As he flew through the sky
it started to sink in
these people had gone crazy
“what country am I in”?
Flying over parliament
Rudolph took a big dump
he was aiming for Trudeau
cause he couldn't find Trump
Just a few moments later
Santa arrives in St. John
he was hours behind schedule
it was fucking near dawn
A little bit earlier
while over 'la belle province'
was le cannabis est légal
there.... written on a fence
The fog started lifting
his mind began to clear
Santa had almost forgotten
Canada legalized this year
He dug in his pockets
for a joint or some dab
he was pretty well wasted
he should have hailed a cab
Santa floated around
for the rest of the night
struggling to remember
his left from his right
He managed a gift
for every Canadian girl and boy
but kids around the world
woke to Christmas without a toy
For Santa had failed
though try as he might
to travel the world
on that dark stormy night
The snow and the cold
had given him fits
but the actual delays
were caused by bong hits
No gifts for Amsterdam
or even Washington, D.C.
those places have nothing
compared to the bud in B.C.
So, you see boys and girls
why you don't have a gift
Santa was too baked to drive
and could not get a lift.
With new rules confusing
and the fucking RCMP
driving and toking
is scary as can be
There will be no more Santa
now and forever more
there will be only presents
from the Amazon store
Santa's decision is final
his mind is done made
he ain't delivering shit
it's below his pay grade
He will move from the pole
to a nice spot at the lake
Mrs. Clause in the kitchen
cooking venison steaks
So have a great Christmas
Canadian cannabis crowd
celebrate the milestone
and hold your bong proud
