Mentally exhausted from looking after people...

I own a house and have allowed my dad and his partner to live in the basement. I am solely responsible for paying 100% of the bills, which have more than doubled since they moved in due to their excessive television usage.

Recently, I transitioned from full-time employment at a company to freelance work, which has its periods of busyness and calmness. I appreciate the flexibility of working from home and having control over my hours.

However, my dad and his partner frequently inquire about when I will secure a new full-time job or ask other work-related questions. I believe they are concerned that I may lose the house, although I assure them that this is not the case. They are residing with me because they have no financial stability and failed to adequately save for retirement. Their stay in my house has extended for over a decade.

Some days, I contemplate selling the house and moving elsewhere, but I am aware that doing so would render them homeless. Additionally, they both struggle with health issues due to obesity, yet when I suggest eating healthier, they dismiss my concerns with statements like "you worry too much" or "live a little." My dad's partner is in a particularly obese state, and my dad has assumed the role of her caregiver. While she has adult children, none of them are willing to step up and take care of her.

I am seeking advice regarding this situation. What course of action would you recommend?

I'm sorry your dealing with this difficult situation. Difficulties between family are extra stressful.
In my family parenthood has proven to be a lifetime appointment. My parents and older generation still support me my sibling and cousins in many ways. And the treatment is expected to be returned. We just lost my grandfather of 103, being of sound mind he was given any confort or indulgence he wish, and all necessary attention needed for all his ailments. My door and wallet will be open to both my kids and parents til they day I die. I can not advise you taking action you know will be harmful to the person that help raise you.
Loving someone dose not always mean giving them what they want, and you have all the leverage.
You pay the bills you don't have to pay for their cable/streaming.
You don't have to keep junk food in "your" house. Don't have to be rude or say anything about just "are you hungry? I made stir-fry" "no sorry we're out of ho-hos"
If they speak conser over your finances they might not understand that the gig economy can be far more profitable $/hr so you don't need to work "full-time ". If they are not conforted by that, then you can gently remind them why the situation is what it is. They won't respond well but it will be the last time it is brought up.

You are probably too nice. By the sounds of it, you are very compassionate and enabling. You don't have to move away and throw them out on the streets, but I would suggest standing up for yourself. Don't feel bad about expressing your feelings in your own home when squatters are essentially taking advantage. I get they're family, but even family members sometimes need to be reminded of the harsh realities of the objective facts. Behaviors don't change unless the status quo does.

I too am very sorry for your situation. You are in a difficult spot for sure, however when your childhood took place, there were rules as well as boundaries where there not? With that in mind, you deserve the space to make and choose your own career choices without any questions or scrutiny. I am clearly not saying take an approach that "its my way or the highway" but, if it's bothering you then it's important. In regards to the obesity situation. When you were in your adolescent years your parents hopefully encouraged you to eat healthy, did they not? I truly hope that they understand this situation, long term as you have stated, is identical to " they enter this world as a baby and leave the world as a baby. It is sad but true. I wish you nothing but good fortune.

VP, sorry you're in such a tough spot. Do you live in the USA? And how old is your Dad? Do they bring in any money or income or maximize SSI, Medicaid, Medicare. Some states have tough filial responsibility laws, others have none so it may make a difference legally. Maybe they could live on their own but they don't want to "downgrade" from their present cushy setup. Is the extra money you're spending having a detrimental effect on you saving for your own retirement? Can you really not afford it or do you just resent the situation?

Was your Dad a good, caring and mentoring father when you were growing up? Have you considered, maybe demanded family counseling? Or a family meeting with a financial advisor. Sometimes it's easier to hear the truth of the matter from an outside party.

PM me if you want

BarnBuster said:

VP, sorry you're in such a tough spot. Do you live in the USA? And how old is your Dad? Do they bring in any money or income or maximize SSI, Medicaid, Medicare. Some states have tough filial responsibility laws, others have none so it may make a difference legally. Maybe they could live on their own but they don't want to "downgrade" from their present cushy setup. Is the extra money you're spending having a detrimental effect on you saving for your own retirement? Can you really not afford it or do you just resent the situation?

Was your Dad a good, caring and mentoring father when you were growing up? Have you considered, maybe demanded family counseling? Or a family meeting with a financial advisor. Sometimes it's easier to hear the truth of the matter from an outside party.

PM me if you want

Click to expand...

Hey Barn, I'm in Canada.

The situation feels better today, I just needed yesterday to vent, thank you all for listening.

My dad isn't the problem, his partner can be. She talks about working hard her whole life and is now enjoying retirement, but she never saved anything or had any equity. My dad had over $400k for his retirement and she was put in charge of the money, that money got used up in 3 years...

Something else that triggered my venting yesterday is my grandma. She is in a home and her money gets spoken of sometimes. My dad said that his partner expects that her children also get my grandmother's money when she dies. I was shocked. I would never expect money from their grandma but she expects it from mine? Her kids also have no savings or equity, so I'm guessing that is probably why she expects us to give them money. Like because I planned for the future, they need the money more?

The good news is my dad told me this and is not going to allow that to happen. I told him to lock that money up in a savings account and don't touch it until an emergency happens. We'll see what happens.

VaSmile said:

I'm sorry your dealing with this difficult situation. Difficulties between family are extra stressful.
In my family parenthood has proven to be a lifetime appointment. My parents and older generation still support me my sibling and cousins in many ways. And the treatment is expected to be returned. We just lost my grandfather of 103, being of sound mind he was given any confort or indulgence he wish, and all necessary attention needed for all his ailments. My door and wallet will be open to both my kids and parents til they day I die. I can not advise you taking action you know will be harmful to the person that help raise you.
Loving someone dose not always mean giving them what they want, and you have all the leverage.
You pay the bills you don't have to pay for their cable/streaming.
You don't have to keep junk food in "your" house. Don't have to be rude or say anything about just "are you hungry? I made stir-fry" "no sorry we're out of ho-hos"
If they speak conser over your finances they might not understand that the gig economy can be far more profitable $/hr so you don't need to work "full-time ". If they are not conforted by that, then you can gently remind them why the situation is what it is. They won't respond well but it will be the last time it is brought up.

Click to expand...

Yeah the gig economy can definitely earn me more, but it's not lol. I quit full-time because my wife started full-time and we have a little one. We looked at before and after school programs, combined with a nanny, but why have a kid to pay someone else to raise them?

I don't bring up the weight issue anymore, they are adults and if they want to live healthy it's up to them. They buy their own food.

VILEPLUME said:

Hey Barn, I'm in Canada.

The situation feels better today, I just needed yesterday to vent, thank you all for listening.

My dad isn't the problem, his partner can be. She talks about working hard her whole life and is now enjoying retirement, but she never saved anything or had any equity. My dad had over $400k for his retirement and she was put in charge of the money, that money got used up in 3 years...

Something else that triggered my venting yesterday is my grandma. She is in a home and her money gets spoken of sometimes. My dad said that his partner expects that her children also get my grandmother's money when she dies. I was shocked. I would never expect money from their grandma but she expects it from mine? Her kids also have no savings or equity, so I'm guessing that is probably why she expects us to give them money. Like because I planned for the future, they need the money more?

The good news is my dad told me this and is not going to allow that to happen. I told him to lock that money up in a savings account and don't touch it until an emergency happens. We'll see what happens.

Click to expand...

You have two issues you need to deal with a Health issue and an inheritance and housing legal issue.

I would check on this with Canada's public health service system. I'm in the US but I'd try filling this out from their perspective and then from your own:

If their health declines you need to be ready with a placement plan and you should be coordinating this with a social worker. Find out now and make a plan. They are essentially homeless without your shelter so it's time to speak with a social worker regarding future skilled or intermediate care and shelter.

Next you need to speak with an attorney and ask about what rights they may have to your home if you allow them to live there for free. Further might their living there give them legal rights et cetera. You also need to make a will or living trust. So speaking with an attorney is crucial.

TL;DR
1. Speak with a Canada Public Health Social worker about your 'homeless' aging parents
2. Speak with an attorney about your estate plans and any rights your relatives might have for living in your home.

Best of luck on this, it's a very tough place to be in. I'd recommend a psychologist you can see to vent and offer suggestions on say a monthly basis. Hang in there.

You can't worry about you grandma's estate unless she named you executor, or has specifically promised to leave you something it hers to do with what she wants then who ever she leaves it to to do with as they please.
I simply would not discuss money with your step mom anymore, if she brings it up just tell her as calmly and politely as possible "you already fucked up 2 estates, yours and my dad's. You don't get to have influence over mine unless you get some financial education. "
Gonna have to second @curious2garden on the therapy it's good for everyone even the psychologically sound. Know it has done me a lot of good just to have a safe place to vent and think
If the home environment and living arrangements are be coming to difficult then your gonna have to make some hard choice.
Family counseling is one option. If you know what it is costing you to house them and that number equal or greater then the cost of local rent just offer them the money as a housing allowance(pay the rent don't give stepmother a check)
My home life is difficult at the moment to and I just got dropped by my counseling firm do to staffing issues. Most of my closes friends are going though harder times then myself right now, so I've been feeling pretty hopeless and alone lately. Just gotta do it the AA way 1 day at a time do the best that you can today

Your feelings are valid and deserve respect.
Your well being is important. Life is short and you need to take time to care for yourself and enjoy the journey- stress can and will effect your health- if you let it. It is a silent killer.

I thought Canadians put their elderly on an iceblock and pushed that shit out to sea?

LOL, kidding. Sorry you're dealing with such a tough situation. KUDOS for stepping up and helping family though, that is HIGHLY commendable and respectable that you're doing that. Good on ya. There's a special place in Heaven for people like you.

VILEPLUME said:

Hey Barn, I'm in Canada.

The situation feels better today, I just needed yesterday to vent, thank you all for listening.

My dad isn't the problem, his partner can be. She talks about working hard her whole life and is now enjoying retirement, but she never saved anything or had any equity. My dad had over $400k for his retirement and she was put in charge of the money, that money got used up in 3 years...

Something else that triggered my venting yesterday is my grandma. She is in a home and her money gets spoken of sometimes. My dad said that his partner expects that her children also get my grandmother's money when she dies. I was shocked. I would never expect money from their grandma but she expects it from mine? Her kids also have no savings or equity, so I'm guessing that is probably why she expects us to give them money. Like because I planned for the future, they need the money more?

The good news is my dad told me this and is not going to allow that to happen. I told him to lock that money up in a savings account and don't touch it until an emergency happens. We'll see what happens.

Click to expand...

I feel for you being in such a difficult situation. I'm pacing while thinking about it and debating if I should post. I'm posting because I have empathy for you. I can see you have empathy. The woman living in your house appears to be lacking any empathy for you and comes across as an entitled narcissist. You need professional help and need to form a plan to get her out of your house. If she is a narcissist, she is not likely to change. You're in for some tough choices. If you do seek outside help to decide on a plan of action, I would not share with either one of them what you are planning. If you share what you are doing my guess is she will play all the favorite guilt cards narcissists use along with getting you to doubt your own reality.
Sorry if I'm off base, maybe I should have stepped back and thought about it before posting. Hope you can work through it.

Kushash said:

I feel for you being in such a difficult situation. I'm pacing while thinking about it and debating if I should post. I'm posting because I have empathy for you. I can see you have empathy. The woman living in your house appears to be lacking any empathy for you and comes across as an entitled narcissist. You need professional help and need to form a plan to get her out of your house. If she is a narcissist, she is not likely to change. You're in for some tough choices. If you do seek outside help to decide on a plan of action, I would not share with either one of them what you are planning. If you share what you are doing my guess is she will play all the favorite guilt cards narcissists use along with getting you to doubt your own reality.
Sorry if I'm off base, maybe I should have stepped back and thought about it before posting. Hope you can work through it.

Click to expand...

Not off base and thanks for replying. She is a nice person, she just doesn't have any money, and that is what makes it so hard. They are on a waitlist for government housing, but it's like a 5-year wait. She also has trouble walking and getting up stairs, so as soon as she can't walk up stairs anymore then the decision is made for me.

Talk straight to them like you said this to us.
Do not allow them to manipulate you with guilt.
If you pay the bills, you should buy the groceries,
and if they do not like healthy food,
then they can try elsewhere.

A decade…you’re a saint. I believe in taking care of family. I also believe in taking care of personal wellness first. Old people can be pretty dense too. Honesty is essential. They need to live by your rules to some degree. Hope the system places them somewhere soon. Too bad you had to leave your job to provide childcare when two people are already living there.

Good luck on the freelancing! Engineering? Are you on Upwork or something similar?

Just a thought but maybe ask dad if grandma has a revocable trust. It's designed to avoid probate and distribute assets more easily. Keep in mind that it's possible for dad to go before grandma. It might get dad to thinking and planning. You might want to tell him that her passing might add another burden on you if you're forced to get involved. It wouldn't hurt to get a little help without fighting relatives when that time comes.

Good luck. Deep respect.

There is a very very thin line between nice guy and sucker. Once the line is crossed it can be very hard to see the other side of which once was.