ok, i've decided i might as well admit it. i am god. i've been hiding out and waiting for y'all to understand that i really do exist all on your own, but i've grown bored with that and i'm now declaring that i do exist. i figured i'd just start by telling everyone here first. next week i'll be on a few local access shows. following that i'm going on a some pbs channels and then moving on to the networks. i haven't decided whether or not to do oprah, but i'm definitely avoiding the view. yes, i'm starting out small. i don't want to freak everyone out with some big flashy display. no floods, no plagues, no sending my son down to get slaughtered by you heathens. this time i'm doing it gradually and letting you all get used to the idea. there are going to be a few changes around here as well. for one thing, starting october 17th any non-believers will immediately be consumed by my wrath and burst into flames. no second chances folks. i've also decided that everyone should spend every other wednesday worshiping me. the whole sunday thing was really cutting into my "me" time, i felt compelled to listen to all that whining on the weekend and it was really bumming me out. another thing, no more of this asking for shit. prayer will be strictly a matter of praising my glory and silently contemplating your sins. i don't know what idiot first came up with the idea that i actually answer prayers, but i never have and i never will. you folks have got to realize that you owe me, you're just here for my amusement and i really don't give a shit whether you live or die.
there are also a few minor changes i've been thinking about and i figured i'd see what you folks thought of them (just for shits and giggles). i've been toying with the idea of adding a third gender. i don't know whether anyone would notice, but i thought it might spice things up. 83 hour days and turning the oceans pink are a couple more slight alterations i've been mulling over. i'd also like to try giving you gills and bringing back fire breathing dragons. yes, they did exist (i created them one day when i was feeling my oats) and i think it's time they made a comeback. i've got a whole bunch of nifty shit i think i'll give a try in the next few centuries, so hold on to your hats. it's going to be a bumpy ride.
