Question
- Thread starter Havek
- Start date
Dislexicmidget2021
Well-Known Member
As they say,,shit happens.
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
HeartlandHank
Well-Known Member
No. I have not really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.
Have you?
answer these first
Don’t think that you are thinking .If you think that you are thinking, you only think that you are thinking.
Why is it, that when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator at a nudist camp.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up at the post office? What are we suppose to do, write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen can look for them while they delivered the mail?
If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to hire taller dancers?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do “fat chance”, and “slim chance”, mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
You know how most packages say “open here”
What is the protocol, when the package says, “open somewhere else?”
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
Why isn’t “Palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why do we sing “take me out to the ballgame”, when we are already there?
Why are they called “stands”, when they are made for sitting?
Why does “slow down”, and “slow up”, mean the same thing?
Why do we send cargo by ship and shipments by car?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
How do we know, if it’s “new and improved” dog food?
Two wrongs…are only the beginning!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Do Roman paramedics refer to I’vs, as “4s?”
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be, if sponges didn’t live there.
If a cow laughed really hard, would milk shoot out of his nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t they make mouse flavored cat food?
Is it true cannibals won’t eat clowns, because “they taste funny?”
If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do.”, is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred , and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that, musicians are denoted, cowboys are deranged, models deposed, & drycleaners depressed?
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Ambition is a poor excuse, for not having enough sense to be lazy!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown to?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still # 2?
If you ate pasta and anti Pasto, would you still be hungry?
Light travels at the speed of sound, is that why stupid people appear bright, until you hear them speak?
What cruel idea was it for the word lisp, to have an “s” in it?
If it’s zero degrees outside today, and it’s suppose to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw Hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you “a nonsufficient funds fee”, on money they already know you do not have?
If a tree falls in the forest, & no one is there to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over?”
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is abbreviated, such a long word?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that night falls, but day breaks?
Why it is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “a penny for your thoughts”, and you “put your two cents in”, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a “broker?”
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with?
If cheese could speak , what would it say when it got its picture taken?
Why are a wise man and a “wise guy”, opposites?
If horrible means, to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced, onety one?
Why do overlook, and oversee, mean opposite things?
If most car accidents happen within five miles of the home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys, and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When sign makers go on strike, is there anything on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered wild animal eating an endangered plant?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline, through a recreational area?
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
If first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they “garnish” his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a “walk?”
Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?
My friends, we have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
If the funeral processions at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless, or naked?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you are one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look just like you.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How do we know if a word is misspelled in the dictionary?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
You ever look up the word dictionary, in the dictionary? A little hand comes out and slaps you.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
If you lend someone $20.00, and never see them again, it was probably money well spent.
Why do we say “something is out of whack?” What is “whack?”
Why is it called “after dark?”, when it really is “after light?”
Doesn’t expecting the “unexpected”, make the unexpected, expected?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog -few people are interested and the frog dies!
Some day we will all look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Why do we put suits in garment bags, and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Jack Handy: “ It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at them.”
If a kid says “why is it raining?” I think a good thing to tell him is, “God is crying?” If he asks why, tell him, “It is probably because of something you did!”
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set, when you only have one?
Christmas oxymoron: what other time of the year, do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy from your socks?
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real POO!
Why is the word big, so small and the word little, so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: low wages for long hours of arduous labor under brutal conditions; months of continual darkness and extreme cold; great risk to life and limb from disease accidents and other hazards; small chance of Fame, in case of success.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails with a hunting knife, and he backed into it, 14 times!
Just because I have a short attention span, doesn’t mean I……
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If “con”, is the opposite of “pro”, then what is the opposite of progress, Congress?
What does it mean, in the sentence “what time is it?”
Why do we wait until the pig is dead, before we decide to “cure”, it?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
A guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says “where did you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck!” Bartender says, I was talking to the duck!”
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
When I was in school, I cheated on my Metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me.
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with, but I can’t. Will you take two negative points?
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
You never know how many friends you really have, until you rent a house at the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four year old.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand…you have different fingers.
Married people, don’t live longer than single people, it only seems longer!
I went to a book store and asked the sales woman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
If al the psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed Up?
A mans best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet, and drools in your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their job.
I’d make my bosses life a living hell for a week or two first.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad, and draw just as much blood, when you grab a thorn!
I believe 5 out of 4 people, have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you are ahead?”
What hair color do they put on drivers licenses of bald people?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
If it is true we are to help others, then what exactly or “others”, here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards, is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide-n seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
It is hard to see how a cemetery can raise its burial costs, due to “the cost of living.”
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability, you’ll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars end to end. Someone would be stupid enough, to try to pass them.
Latest survey shows, 3 out of 4 people, make up 75% of the world’s population.
“If the shoe fits, get another on e exactly like it.”
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter, since no one listens.
I wished the buck really stopped here, as I sure could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people that were not smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound .This is why people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. TEACH A MAN TO FISH, AND HE WILL SIT IN A BOAT DRINKING BEER ALL DAY.
Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why does “flammable”, and “inflammable”, mean the same thing?
How can someone draw a blank?
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A long forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price!
You know my motto, “forgive and uh…the other thing.”
A friend is someone; you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The worst month of the year is February. It only has 28 days in it. If you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don’t get.
Try to avoid Februarys when ever possible.
Wherever you go, there you are.
This person called up and said, “You’ve got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life, in just one weekend.” I said “well I don’t want to completely change my life in one weekend. I’ve got a lot of things to do on Monday.”
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad, on a toadstool?
How can there be self help “groups?”
How do you get off a “non stop” flight?
How do you write 0, in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, & dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part time band leaders “semi-conductors”
Do stars clean themselves, with meteor showers?
Why is the time of day, when traffic is the slowest, called “rush hour?”
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
Support bacteria –they’re the only “culture”, some people have.
Depression is merely anger, without enthusiasm.
If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get, until just after you need it.
For every reaction, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
If cats & dogs didn’t have fur, would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies, made from?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look like that?
Why do signs that say “slow children”, have a picture of a running child?
“If I had a boy scout I could make a fire by rubbing his legs together.”
“I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink!”
“Ed I see you are out drinking again, what’s the occasion?” “I was sober.”
You know the oxygen masks on planes. I don’t think they actually have oxygen in them. I think they’re just to muffle the screams!
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
If your wife wants to drive don’t stand in her way!
The only real diet, if it tastes good, spit it out!
By the time a man is old enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
It’s hard to be nostalgic, when you can’t remember anything.
We could certainly slow the aging process down, if it had to work its way through Congress.
An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Birthdays are good for you .Studies show that people who have the most, live the longest.
Smartness runs in my family. When I was in school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for 5 years.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
“My luck is so bad, that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“What’s the use of happiness, it can’t buy you money?”
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap.”
W. C. Fields: “A woman drove me to drink, & I did not even have the courtesy to thank her!”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to?
“Nostalgia aint what it used to be.”
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
Jack Handy: “I wish I had a dollar, for every time I spent a dollar, cause yahoo I’d have all my money back!”
“Police station toilet stolen…cops have nothing to go on.”
“Schizophrenia beats being alone.”
“If at first you do not succeed, redefine success.”
“You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, you will learn a lot today.”
“A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.”
“Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?”
“All true wisdom is found on tee shirts.”
“ I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.”
“ I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it!”
“The meek shall inherit the Earth ... after we’re through with it!”
“If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already!”
“ Ham & eggs: a day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig!”
“Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
“Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.”
“Sometimes too much to drink isn’t good enough.”
“Jesus loves you, it is everybody else that thinks you’re an ass!”
“It’s hard to make a comeback, when you haven’t been anywhere.”
“Don’t get married. Find a woman you hate, and buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you.”
“A closed mouth gathers no foot.”
“When blondes have more fun, do they know it?’
“Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.”
“Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible!”
“My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.”
“Is reading in the bathroom, considered “multi tasking?”
I’ve seen it all. Done it all .Can’t remember most of it.
Always be modest, and be damn proud about it!
Why do bankruptcy lawyers, expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it’ll be a great trade!
I’d kill for a Nobel Prize!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener!
Hell hath no fury, like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the post, at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future .Laziness pays off now.
If a book about failures doesn’t sale, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the “graveyard shift?”
Borrow money from pessimist. They don’t expect to get it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
There’s no future in time travel.
Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.
“Polynesia”-memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Change is inevitable ,except from a vending machine!
If we weren’t suppose to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps!
“Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.”
“Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.”
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
I want patience…AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!!!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.
It’s sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for tone deaf.
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Why is it that you have a pair of pants and only one bra?
Why are they called buildings, when they are already built? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrists when you ask them the time?
If most car accidents happen within 5 miles of the home, why doesn’t everyone move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do we say something is “out of whack?” What is WHACK?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two planes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger baby? Mr. Bigger’s baby, because he is a little bigger.
The pen is mightier than the sword…if the sword is very small and the pen is really sharp.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Alzheimer’s advantage: new menus every day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember I have had amnesia.
Bombs don’t kill people, it’s the explosions!
Bureaucrats cut red tape length wise.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Clones are people two.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming terrified like his passengers.
Do not put statements in the negative form!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I could care less about apathy.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I use to be schizophrenic, but we’re alright now.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
If nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, you don’t live in a small town.
If life gives you lemon, make lemonade. Then throw the lemonade back at life and steal the oranges you asked for in the first place!
If Noah would have been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
Roses are red & violets are blue. I am schizophrenic, and I am too.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Shake it more than three times, and you are playing with it.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
“Me broke, no. I am just having an “out of money experience.”
“ I don’t get even, I get odder.”
Can you get cavities in your dentures, if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Can a stupid person be a “smart ass.”
What if the Hokey Pokey, is really what it’s all about?
What is a free gift. Aren’t all gifts free?
Don’t think that you are thinking .If you think that you are thinking, you only think that you are thinking.
Why is it, that when a door is open it is ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator at a nudist camp.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up at the post office? What are we suppose to do, write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen can look for them while they delivered the mail?
If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to hire taller dancers?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do “fat chance”, and “slim chance”, mean the same thing?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
You know how most packages say “open here”
What is the protocol, when the package says, “open somewhere else?”
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
Why isn’t “Palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why do we sing “take me out to the ballgame”, when we are already there?
Why are they called “stands”, when they are made for sitting?
Why does “slow down”, and “slow up”, mean the same thing?
Why do we send cargo by ship and shipments by car?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
How do we know, if it’s “new and improved” dog food?
Two wrongs…are only the beginning!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Do Roman paramedics refer to I’vs, as “4s?”
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be, if sponges didn’t live there.
If a cow laughed really hard, would milk shoot out of his nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t they make mouse flavored cat food?
Is it true cannibals won’t eat clowns, because “they taste funny?”
If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do.”, is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred , and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that, musicians are denoted, cowboys are deranged, models deposed, & drycleaners depressed?
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Ambition is a poor excuse, for not having enough sense to be lazy!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown to?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still # 2?
If you ate pasta and anti Pasto, would you still be hungry?
Light travels at the speed of sound, is that why stupid people appear bright, until you hear them speak?
What cruel idea was it for the word lisp, to have an “s” in it?
If it’s zero degrees outside today, and it’s suppose to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw Hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you “a nonsufficient funds fee”, on money they already know you do not have?
If a tree falls in the forest, & no one is there to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over?”
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is abbreviated, such a long word?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that night falls, but day breaks?
Why it is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, “a penny for your thoughts”, and you “put your two cents in”, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a “broker?”
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with?
If cheese could speak , what would it say when it got its picture taken?
Why are a wise man and a “wise guy”, opposites?
If horrible means, to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced, onety one?
Why do overlook, and oversee, mean opposite things?
If most car accidents happen within five miles of the home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys, and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When sign makers go on strike, is there anything on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered wild animal eating an endangered plant?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline, through a recreational area?
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
If first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they “garnish” his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a “walk?”
Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?
My friends, we have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
If the funeral processions at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless, or naked?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you are one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look just like you.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How do we know if a word is misspelled in the dictionary?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
You ever look up the word dictionary, in the dictionary? A little hand comes out and slaps you.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
If you lend someone $20.00, and never see them again, it was probably money well spent.
Why do we say “something is out of whack?” What is “whack?”
Why is it called “after dark?”, when it really is “after light?”
Doesn’t expecting the “unexpected”, make the unexpected, expected?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog -few people are interested and the frog dies!
Some day we will all look back at this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Why do we put suits in garment bags, and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Jack Handy: “ It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at them.”
If a kid says “why is it raining?” I think a good thing to tell him is, “God is crying?” If he asks why, tell him, “It is probably because of something you did!”
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set, when you only have one?
Christmas oxymoron: what other time of the year, do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy from your socks?
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real POO!
Why is the word big, so small and the word little, so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: low wages for long hours of arduous labor under brutal conditions; months of continual darkness and extreme cold; great risk to life and limb from disease accidents and other hazards; small chance of Fame, in case of success.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails with a hunting knife, and he backed into it, 14 times!
Just because I have a short attention span, doesn’t mean I……
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If “con”, is the opposite of “pro”, then what is the opposite of progress, Congress?
What does it mean, in the sentence “what time is it?”
Why do we wait until the pig is dead, before we decide to “cure”, it?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
A guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says “where did you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck!” Bartender says, I was talking to the duck!”
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
When I was in school, I cheated on my Metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me.
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with, but I can’t. Will you take two negative points?
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
You never know how many friends you really have, until you rent a house at the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four year old.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand…you have different fingers.
Married people, don’t live longer than single people, it only seems longer!
I went to a book store and asked the sales woman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
If al the psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed Up?
A mans best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet, and drools in your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their job.
I’d make my bosses life a living hell for a week or two first.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad, and draw just as much blood, when you grab a thorn!
I believe 5 out of 4 people, have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you are ahead?”
What hair color do they put on drivers licenses of bald people?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
If it is true we are to help others, then what exactly or “others”, here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards, is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide-n seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
It is hard to see how a cemetery can raise its burial costs, due to “the cost of living.”
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability, you’ll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars end to end. Someone would be stupid enough, to try to pass them.
Latest survey shows, 3 out of 4 people, make up 75% of the world’s population.
“If the shoe fits, get another on e exactly like it.”
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter, since no one listens.
I wished the buck really stopped here, as I sure could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people that were not smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound .This is why people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. TEACH A MAN TO FISH, AND HE WILL SIT IN A BOAT DRINKING BEER ALL DAY.
Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why does “flammable”, and “inflammable”, mean the same thing?
How can someone draw a blank?
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A long forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price!
You know my motto, “forgive and uh…the other thing.”
A friend is someone; you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The worst month of the year is February. It only has 28 days in it. If you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don’t get.
Try to avoid Februarys when ever possible.
Wherever you go, there you are.
This person called up and said, “You’ve got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life, in just one weekend.” I said “well I don’t want to completely change my life in one weekend. I’ve got a lot of things to do on Monday.”
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad, on a toadstool?
How can there be self help “groups?”
How do you get off a “non stop” flight?
How do you write 0, in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, & dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part time band leaders “semi-conductors”
Do stars clean themselves, with meteor showers?
Why is the time of day, when traffic is the slowest, called “rush hour?”
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
Support bacteria –they’re the only “culture”, some people have.
Depression is merely anger, without enthusiasm.
If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get, until just after you need it.
For every reaction, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
If cats & dogs didn’t have fur, would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies, made from?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look like that?
Why do signs that say “slow children”, have a picture of a running child?
“If I had a boy scout I could make a fire by rubbing his legs together.”
“I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink!”
“Ed I see you are out drinking again, what’s the occasion?” “I was sober.”
You know the oxygen masks on planes. I don’t think they actually have oxygen in them. I think they’re just to muffle the screams!
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
If your wife wants to drive don’t stand in her way!
The only real diet, if it tastes good, spit it out!
By the time a man is old enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
It’s hard to be nostalgic, when you can’t remember anything.
We could certainly slow the aging process down, if it had to work its way through Congress.
An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Birthdays are good for you .Studies show that people who have the most, live the longest.
Smartness runs in my family. When I was in school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for 5 years.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
“My luck is so bad, that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a more pleasant form of misery.”
“What’s the use of happiness, it can’t buy you money?”
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap.”
W. C. Fields: “A woman drove me to drink, & I did not even have the courtesy to thank her!”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to?
“Nostalgia aint what it used to be.”
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
Jack Handy: “I wish I had a dollar, for every time I spent a dollar, cause yahoo I’d have all my money back!”
“Police station toilet stolen…cops have nothing to go on.”
“Schizophrenia beats being alone.”
“If at first you do not succeed, redefine success.”
“You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, you will learn a lot today.”
“A thing not worth doing isn’t worth doing well.”
“Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?”
“All true wisdom is found on tee shirts.”
“ I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.”
“ I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it!”
“The meek shall inherit the Earth ... after we’re through with it!”
“If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already!”
“ Ham & eggs: a day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig!”
“Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
“Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.”
“Sometimes too much to drink isn’t good enough.”
“Jesus loves you, it is everybody else that thinks you’re an ass!”
“It’s hard to make a comeback, when you haven’t been anywhere.”
“Don’t get married. Find a woman you hate, and buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you.”
“A closed mouth gathers no foot.”
“When blondes have more fun, do they know it?’
“Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.”
“Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible!”
“My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.”
“Is reading in the bathroom, considered “multi tasking?”
I’ve seen it all. Done it all .Can’t remember most of it.
Always be modest, and be damn proud about it!
Why do bankruptcy lawyers, expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it’ll be a great trade!
I’d kill for a Nobel Prize!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener!
Hell hath no fury, like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the post, at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future .Laziness pays off now.
If a book about failures doesn’t sale, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the “graveyard shift?”
Borrow money from pessimist. They don’t expect to get it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
There’s no future in time travel.
Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.
“Polynesia”-memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Change is inevitable ,except from a vending machine!
If we weren’t suppose to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps!
“Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.”
“Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.”
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
I want patience…AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!!!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.
It’s sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for tone deaf.
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Why is it that you have a pair of pants and only one bra?
Why are they called buildings, when they are already built? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrists when you ask them the time?
If most car accidents happen within 5 miles of the home, why doesn’t everyone move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do we say something is “out of whack?” What is WHACK?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two planes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger baby? Mr. Bigger’s baby, because he is a little bigger.
The pen is mightier than the sword…if the sword is very small and the pen is really sharp.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Alzheimer’s advantage: new menus every day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember I have had amnesia.
Bombs don’t kill people, it’s the explosions!
Bureaucrats cut red tape length wise.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Clones are people two.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming terrified like his passengers.
Do not put statements in the negative form!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I could care less about apathy.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I use to be schizophrenic, but we’re alright now.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
If nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, you don’t live in a small town.
If life gives you lemon, make lemonade. Then throw the lemonade back at life and steal the oranges you asked for in the first place!
If Noah would have been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
Roses are red & violets are blue. I am schizophrenic, and I am too.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Shake it more than three times, and you are playing with it.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
“Me broke, no. I am just having an “out of money experience.”
“ I don’t get even, I get odder.”
Can you get cavities in your dentures, if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Can a stupid person be a “smart ass.”
What if the Hokey Pokey, is really what it’s all about?
What is a free gift. Aren’t all gifts free?
Rastafari InI
Active Member
WTF is going on? lol was the OP guy asking a real question and just doesn't know how to write or is he just retarded?
Here's how you do it! Compare post 1 with post 4. Game on!
HeartlandHank
Well-Known Member
Yes, I have and no you did not.
WeedKillsBrainCells
Well-Known Member
im in a time portal back to 2008
ASMALLVOICE
Well-Known Member
What ever the hell the op meant, it gave me a damn headache
Peace
Asmallvoice
Peace
Asmallvoice
dannyboy602
Well-Known Member
I understand now. It's random jibber jabber. What did I win?
cannabineer
Ursus marijanus
Total Head
Well-Known Member
loquacious
Well-Known Member
[h=2]About[/h]Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like? is an incoherent question which is often quoted on image boards, discussions forums and comment sections across the web.
[h=2]Origin[/h]The question first appeared in a thread on the /v/ (video games) board on 4chan about an upcoming Wii game The Conduit on February 12th, 2009. The original post featured a link to a YouTube video of someone playing the beta version of the game, accompanied by list of notable features. An anonymous user responded to the post asking Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like? (shown below). Several users attempted to decipher the question, speculating that it was asking if a video game company had ever gone to such great lengths to make a game appear realistic
loquacious
Well-Known Member
Obvious troll is obvious troll.
Perfextionist420
Well-Known Member
did somebody say question!?
[video=youtube;ENBv2i88g6Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENBv2i88g6Y[/video]
[video=youtube;ENBv2i88g6Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENBv2i88g6Y[/video]
dirtsurfr
Well-Known Member
But yesterday I could do this,
now I fly up when the door opens.
I can't get any sleep unless the hatch is pointed towards the stars
if it isn't I get real home sick.
But yes some times if I squeeze my eyelids real tight
I loose 49 lbs of coffee stained shirts.
Damn those Republicans weres my tin hat??
Now were did I sit down my pipe???
now I fly up when the door opens.
I can't get any sleep unless the hatch is pointed towards the stars
if it isn't I get real home sick.
But yes some times if I squeeze my eyelids real tight
I loose 49 lbs of coffee stained shirts.
Damn those Republicans weres my tin hat??
Now were did I sit down my pipe???
doublejj
Well-Known Member
Exactly!..........
Is that a Giraffe fish ?A burning fish.
